Too bad I can't just tie him to a tree...

And leave him there. Seriously.

It started on Thursday. I got a call from Mower saying that Elmo was out. At that time Mower couldn't catch him so I left work (in the middle of a busy deadline, I might add) to go round him up and see what the problem was.

As soon as I pulled up, Elmo ran straight up to me and wanted a scritch on the forehead. So I threw a piece of twine around his neck and put him back in the pasture. By that time Mower was hiking back up the hill. Apparently the elk had been through and had knocked down a good portion of the fence but he had strung it back up. But because it was draping along a lot of foliage it wasn't hot. I didn't really worry about that at that time... I figured it would be good enough to hold him until the weekend when I could really get it fixed up again.

Guess I was wrong. Because the fence wasn't hot he would just duck under the top strand and step over the bottom strand and help himself to the grass, the neighbors garden (they weren't too excited about a 1,000 pound horse munching on their garden goodies) and the other neighbors flowers. He was quickly becoming equina non grata. And I kept getting calls from Mower about him going walk-about.

Unfortunately the solar charger wasn't getting enough sun but there wasn't a power supply down to the hot fence to put an electric charger on there. I told mower until we got power down there, there wasn't much I was going to be able to do...

On Saturday when I arrived to begin fence fixage Elmo was, once again, out. Of course. Why stay in a pasture with no grass when you can just let yourself out and eat to your heart's content? Grrrrr....

Anywho, I just left him to graze and started taking the fence down and restringing it. The previous time when I had looked, it only seemed that the top portion up around the barn needed to be dealt with. Wrong. The whole thing was in shambles (grumble, grumble, damn elk, grumble). So I took both strands down and began to restring the whole fence... which consists of stringing it along a very steep hillside as well.

Damn. That's steep...

How steep? Well, it's "I'm hanging onto a tree for dear life" steep...

 

The top strand went up just fine and without incident. We cut away any foliage touching the strand and then plugged it in. Then I put Elmo back in the pasture.

I then proceeded to put up the bottom strand (which isn't hot) and that was going pretty well until I started down the hillside again. At that point Noelle, who was tearing up and down the hillside with Daisy, ran into me and I lost my footing and slipped and fell and proceeded to slide about 20 feet down the hill... getting mud into places it ought not to be. Like down my pants. Up my shirt. In my hair. In my shoes (I was only wearing my rubber Crocks). In my teeth (don't ask, 'cause I'm not sure). And when Mower caught site of me he laughed. I gave him the stink-eye.

I also learned a very important lesson on that slide down the hill... which is: if you are going to grab onto the fence to help arrest your fall, it is much wiser to grab the non-hot strand. I, unfortunately, grabbed the top strand. It hurt. A lot. That sucker was HOT. 

Good news was that I was sure it was getting plenty of juice to keep Elmo off of it.

When I got home and got in the shower, the water was a very distasteful color for almost 5 minutes. Getting the dried mud out of my hair wasn't easy and required several shampooings.

For the rest of Saturday and Sunday he stayed put. 

When I went out to feed this morning he was out again. Damn this horse is a nuisance. 

I put him away again and then proceeded to walk the fence seeing if I could figure out where he was getting out. The hot fence was fine. When I came around the other side of the barn by the far gate I saw this:

 Hoofie prints on the wrong side of the gate...

There used to be about a 1 foot gap between the fence and the post of the gate. However, Elmo had apparently used his significant girth to widen the gap so he could get out.

Any gap is an opportunity in Elmo's mind...

Notice the very bent t-post on the right-hand side... and the traumatized tree that got trampled in the process of his escape. Poor thing...

Hopefully this will do the trick...

Man that horse is becoming a serious pain in my ass...

It looks good on paper...

I'm not sure if I've discussed this particular phenomenon of my internet dating experience or not, but I seem to have trouble getting to a second date... sometimes by my choosing, but mostly by theirs.

I've had several men read my online profile and then send me a message wondering how I'm still single. On paper I look like a good deal. However, when they actually meet me in person somehow it doesn't translate.

I'm like the Ryan Leaf of internet dating... (for those of you non-sports types... Ryan Leaf was drafted #1 out of college and was possibly the biggest flop in the NFL to date)

I do have a couple of theories on this. I'm kinda thinking it's one of two things...

1. People get an image in their head when you read a profile, look at someone's pictures and chat by text and phone... and when I don't meet the mental image they've created it falls flat.

2. Men (more than women, I think) are looking for that absolute instant chemistry. But I have met some men and my initial impression was not so much... but then after spending some time with them and really getting to know them, some of those not so much men became some of the best relationships I ever had.

Still, it's hard not to take it personally. I know I have a lot to offer and the right person will see that... right? Right? Right.

Now the other problem... When I do choose to go on a second date, that's when I typically find out about all the baggage that I really don't want to deal with... not over an ex, been in jail, not divorced, a closet smoker, or just a jerk. Thus far, my track record is not good.

I know at this age we're all going to have some baggage... that's a given. But I am at the point in my life where I'm going to be pretty choosy about what I want to deal with. And the list is getting shorter and shorter...

Still, there is hope. I got this fortune when I went and got sushi the other night: A new relationship is about to blossom. You will be blessed.

Sounds promising, right? Right? Right...

Perhaps we need to define the word "drama"...

Actual definition of drama: any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results...

Last night I get a call from Farmer (actually it ended up being like 5 or 6 calls) about his current situation... which involved him driving to somewhere in Washington and hauling a horse through the ghetto of Pasco and delivering it to... well, somewhere else. Oh yeah, and he hadn't actually met this girl before... she was a contact from the internet dating site.

(Yes, he does have "SUCKER" tattooed on his forehead if you were wondering)

So, of course, I must know the story... but he didn't have the whole story. Yet. That comes later. All he knew was that she needed to move her horse out of Location A and deposit it to Location B (and why she would pick a stranger she's never met before to do this defies explanation... but anywho). Oh, and she mentioned there wouldn't be any drama. OK. Good to know.

Except her definition of drama seems to vary from, well... the rest of the world's.


So, here is the text conversation after Farmer asked for the whole story (after horse was already moved and he was headed home)...

Crazy: Just 2 clarify...i dated him years ago..so there is no drama

He just wanted the horse gone

Farmer: So whats the whole story? Why'd you need to move the horse?

Crazy: She had only been there one month

Prior 2 that she was at my friend bryans house

I only moved her 2 petes house cause there was more ppl in burbank 2 ride with and for some reason he got it in his head that i was moving her out there so i  could work stuff out with him

However...i never said that he just assumed

which is his fault

so instead of telling me that he was butt hurt over it he began telling me i was neglecting my horse..which i don't....i was just neglecting giving him the attention he wanted......so he told me i had 1 week 2 move her after i 've dumped thousands into his land

which is his fault for assuming and not communicating

had he said that was a stipulation or expectation then i'd have never moved her

he chased me for 3 years in RN school and i always told him we were just friends...he couldn't handle that...  Last year he proposed and we had never even dated...that lasted only 3 months and he broke it off cause i worked lots of hours and he said i chose my career over him

(wait... you never dated but you said yes to a proposal? methinks that is not quite the way things went down)

I said "whatever" and tried 2 b friends and he can't handle friends so i just have 2 walk away so he can heal

so r we good or r u weirded out?

(I know I'm weirded out)

 

what i ment by "no drama" was that there is no yelling or fighting or white trash shit gonna go on

(thanks for clarifying your definition of drama)

farmer: no, i'm not weirded out, just had a feeling there was more to the story
(I'm hoping he said this because he doesn't want her showing up on his doorstep with a shotgun) 

crazy: and i told u only b/c i had nothing 2 hide

Had i not said ne thing u'd have never known.  but that's not me...i'm honest 2 a fault

ok well sorry.....this was not the way i wanted 2 meet u

(now I'm curious as to how her normal meet-and-greets go... and why she had not one other single person on the face of this earth that she could call to help her move a horse... makes ya wonder. I mean, I know Farmer isn't an ax murderer... but she didn't know that)

farmer: no worries...shit happens thats all

(again, I'm kinda hoping he's just saying this for self-preservation's sake...)

Once he was home and we were discussing his crazy evening with Crazy, I have decided to upgrade myself from crazy to pretty-damn-normal... 

The party for this momentous event will be at 3... 

*Deep sigh...

Sometimes work is just so much, well... work.

The bane of my existence is, once again, due to the printer by end of day tomorrow. I just got the information today. Which means it's going to be a long night... Basically I've just started the stupid thing and I'm already sick of it.

Not a good way to start hump day.

So, mentally I'm going to my happy place...

That's where I'll be if you need me...

Integrity is so last year...

Clown called me a few nights ago to tell me about this article he was reading in maxim titled "Sex: Have your cake and eat it too". Written by a woman telling men how to get away with cheating on their spouse or significant other...

He thought it sucked. So do I...

Full article here: http://www.maxim.com/amg/humor/stupid-fun/87491/sex-have-your-cake-eat-it-too.html

Basic points:
1. Make your girl a guy. If it is, in fact, that whore in your office that you've been boning that is calling or texting, by no means should she be in your phone under her real name—or a female name at all. I mean, there is no way your lady is going to think it odd that your buddy "Chuck" is sending you texts saying how hot your ass is. Uh huh...
2. Hackproof your life. Self-explanatory.
3. Always be reachable... even if you have to stop mid-whatever to do it. This one makes me speechless.
4. Take it to the grave. Again, self-explanatory.
5. Choose wisely. Perhaps the single most important factor in having your affair go unnoticed is choosing a girl who won’t—or can’t—throw you under the bus. Newsflash: no such thing exists. There is a reason the saying is: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I'm so blown away by the idiocy of this article that I will just highlight the parts I found most offensive. Well, actually the whole premise is quite offensive... is there no integrity in the world anymore? I mean, who would read this crap and think "yeah, now I have the tools to get away with it"?

If you want to be a cheating bastard, go find a whore who could care less (and is most likely cheating on you too) and leave the rest of us with morals, integrity and a heart out of it.

We don't want you, or whatever diseases you might be bringing home...

It's a sign...

A sign of what, though?

Only time will tell...

A plethera of pups...

I'm here at Farmer's for the weekend... to check on Flash and to pester my friend with my unending laundry until he kicks me out.

Today, Farmer decided that going to see a bunch of trucks, tractors and stuff was more exciting than riding with me (his priorities are in serious question sometimes) so I decided to take all the pups for a ride with Flash and I.

Your eyes do not deceive you. There are four fuzzy butts ahead of us...

...and a pint-sized one riding by my side.

We passed this gobbler who might not be long for this world.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and there was hardly any wind. And Flash was feeling pretty frisky after lots of food and relatively no exercise. I was not thrilled with how he chose to show it. Trying to buck is not acceptable behavior regardless of what he thinks.

Finally the little annoying one is not pestering me. Let's turn around and go the other way, Mom. They'll never notice...

Flash: Yummm, grass. Dogs: Yummm, cow poop.

Flash's lover Dante (on the left) and his son, Jack (on the right).

Oh yeah, lots of cow poop to roll in. I smell soooo good now...

Hey mom, do you mind? We're trying to have a moment here...

They wuv each other... Thank goodness there's a fence between them.

It also looks like Flash has put on a little weight, so that is good. With all the food that is lying around I find it hard to believe that he's not a walking blimp... but he's not. Grrrrrrr... 

That horse is going to be the death of me, someday...