Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Birds of a feather...

This morning when I got up it was gray and dreary (not unusual for the Willamette Valley). I was going to skip taking the dogs to the field to run around, but then I rolled over and saw 2 sets of very sad eyes looking into my soul and pleading with me to get my ass out of bed.

Of course, I complied. That's the one thing about dogs, they keep you going.

So, I loaded everyone up in the truck and headed over to the field. As the dogs were running around in glee, I heard a huge commotion coming our way... in the form of thousands of geese heading for... well, not sure about that actually. But the sight was awesome. It was like watching the ocean - wave after wave of birds passing up above making the most wonderful patterns across the sky.

These are the kinds of things that the Biologist and I loved to show each other... interesting weather coming in, some cool animal track across the pasture... and all of a sudden my heart was aching again. I miss having someone close to me who thinks these things are as amazing as I do.

And that got me thinking. How important is it that you are with someone that shares the same wonders in life that you do?

Ex-hub and I had very few of these things in common as time went on. One of my favorite things to do was to go to the beach and watch the weather roll in... he never found it as interesting as I did. At the time, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then, when I met someone that had this same "thing" in common, it opened up a whole new world of conversation and intimacy. I realized how much it really did mean.

But how do you know, until you know... you know?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Is it better to be single alone or single together?

When the ex-hub and I first got together, we used to do a lot of stuff together... we played soccer, went golfing, watched sports and hung with the fam quite a bit. I had this alternate life that included my horse Flash, but I was OK with having that be a separate thing. He was supportive for the most part and we had other things in common... or so I thought.

As time went on, we seemed to go our separate ways. Getting ex-hub out to play soccer became a frustrating prospect, he gave up golf because he was always pissed about the fact that he didn't play well, we moved away from family and getting him out of the house to do anything was like pulling teeth. I became a married single person. Everything we were invited to I went to alone... making excuses for why he wasn't there. Oh, and let's not forget our sex life... we were like married roommates. Every time I tried to get him interested he completely checked out on me. It wore on my self-esteem and I was very unhappy.

Now that I'm not in any relationship at all, I wonder if I am OK with being alone single? This is the question that my mom proposed to me this morning. And I must say that I had to stop and really think about it. Ex-hub and I had a lot of good times, and as friends we work out wonderfully (probably better for me than for him, though).

At least now I have the dream of finding everything I want... someone not just to share space with, but someone to share life with. And that means all aspects of life... good and bad.

So, as I gaze to the sky and wonder what the universe will bring me next, I take comfort in the fact that everything I want could be just around the corner. It's not probable... but at least it's possible.

Friday, April 24, 2009

"Love" is a four letter word

Why is it that those who say they love us (and I'm talking romantic love) usually end up treating us the worst?

In a moment of weakness, I texted the Biologist telling him I missed him. Weak, I know. I blame it on that time of the month. I was broken down by cramping and a general feeling of yuckiness. Of course, he didn't respond. But when we broke up, he kept telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. Wouldn't someone who actually gave a shit at least acknowledge the sentiment?

Or not...

I've decided I'm a fool... but who isn't? On a up-note, I was invited to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and I'm being assured there will be many cute, single guys there.

Promises, promises.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Job search... another name for torture?

So, when I was forced to tuck my tail and run home to mommy, I was hoping that the job market here in Oregon would be a little better than in Podunk Idaho.

When I first moved to Idaho, against my better judgment and good sense (and thanks to the ex-hub's job transfer), I had decided to make a go of it on my own and start my own business again doing what I love - graphic design and marketing. The first year and half I was there was great. I had great clients and tons of work. I was able to bank a lot of cash and get a ton of stuff paid off. I even bought a brand new computer and updated all my software.

Then the market turned.

I was forced to get a job I hate doing tech support for a sat TV company. But, doggies and horses needed to be fed and I had no work coming in for my own business. But, boy, was it depressing... nothing like getting yelled at for 10 hours straight making a miserable $10/hr. Just kill me now. The good news about leaving Idaho was that I got to leave that miserable job behind as well.

After looking for a week plus a few days with no nibbles, I'm beginning to think that it wasn't such a bad gig after all. There is nothing worse than putting yourself out there for a perspective employer only to be turned down again and again. At this rate, the bank account is going to be very sad, very soon.

My new strategy is to branch out and send out resumes for anything that even remotely sounds interesting. Who knows, maybe I'll fall into something that really turns out to be a good thing. I keep thinking the universe is about to show me the way, but I'm still blindly feeling around like a bat with stuffed up ears. Not a good way to be flying.

So, what's the worst job you've ever had? Give me your best shot in the comments. If nothing else, it will be therapy for you and definitely make me feel better.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Feelings... friend or foe?

So, there I was having a perfectly decent day. It seemed like I had started to put things in perspective and was beginning to realize I was better off without the bum. I watched a little TV, folded some laundry, had din-din with the fam and then got ready for bed.

After sleeping for a couple of hours, I rolled over and in my dream-like state reached out for The Biologist (we were always sleeping practically on top of each other)... and all of a sudden I realized I was in the bed, alone. Alone, alone, alone. Oh god, all alone.

Goddamn feelings... I thought I had this one licked already. Sleep in the middle of the bed - check. Snuggle with my fuzzy bear - check. Tip back a few to dull the memories - check, check, and check. So what was the BFD? Why had my feelings ambushed me like this? I'm a relatively decent person... what did I do to deserve this? After all, I had sat down and explained to them that we needed to be there for one another. So, why now were they choosing to bring me to my pathetic knees?

Good thing my friends and family seem to think these types of random outbursts are normal. Otherwise I would be in deep shit. I've scolded my feelings and explained to them that this is unacceptable behavior. They've promised to be better in the future. Am I being the hopeful optimist, once again? Only time will tell.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Relationships.... déjà vu all over again?

After a particularly bad break-up, it's normal to want to sift through the wreckage to see what went wrong. Not to say that the break-up from The Biologist was that nasty, but the urge is still there.

Was it me? Was it him? Was it the butterfly effect? Someone breathed wrong on the other side of the planet that resulted with The Biologist and I saying good-bye to one another. I'd like to think that relationships are a little more teflon coated than that, but who can say?

With him, I thought I had it all. Looking back, I've had that same feeling with quite a few people. Am I just the hopeful optimist that is forever putting on those rose-colored glasses, overlooking what should have been obvious signs? Now, looking back, it seems there were quite a few signs that I ignored. Stuff that I think would have been a red flag with anyone else.

For instance, he was a previous cheater. And not just a little bit. And cheating is something that is absolutely non-negotiable! Someone cheats on me and they do not get a second chance... period. At least, that's been my philosophy in the past. Why did I ignore that now? Did I think that he was just foolish in his youth and had changed? Do cheaters ever change? It seems like once a cheater, always a cheater. But the hopeful optimistic in me wanted to believe.

What is non-negotiable in your relationships? What are the things that you just cannot or will not put up with? And have you overlooked the warning signs because you thought maybe this time would be different?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Oh Dear God.... Not Again

OK, a few facts to get you oriented. I married a wonderful guy 8 years ago who I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. The problem? We had no sex life (and I mean NONE) and nothing in common. Other than that, it was great.

I left ex-hub for a new guy - the biologist. He was into the same things I was, the sex was FANTASTIC and he said the magic words first. I thought I was set. We moved in together and everything seemed to be going well.

Then, all of a sudden, it wasn't. Not quite sure what happened... the break-up hit me like a ton of bricks. We split up on a Wednesday, I packed up the house and put stuff into storage on Thursday and had moved back in with my parents on Friday. Did I mention the move was across 2 states? And that I had 3 horses and 2 dogs to move as well?

Details, details.

So... here I am. 36 years old. Single. Jobless and, for the sake of argument, homeless as well. I know I'm not the only one doing this. Sure feels like it though.