Thursday, November 26, 2009

Giving thanks... Not the heimlich...

It's Thanksgiving today... all day. For me, now back in the newspaper business, it's hard to remember that Thanksgiving hasn't actually happened yet. I'm already onto deadlines for papers coming in December... and the focus is on Christmas. Sometimes it's hard to remember that it's still November.

But, I have the day off (paid) and I'm at the Parentals looking forward to good food and good times. Unfortunately my body doesn't realize that we are not back in EO... once again I am awake at 5:45am on the nose (again, I totally blame this on Farmer). So, while the rest of the house sleeps peacefully (dogs included) I have decided that now is a good time to reflect on where I'm at, what I'm thankful for, and where I'm headed in the future. Deep, I know...

So, let's start with the "where I'm at" portion of this program:

It has been a crazy year filled with some incredible ups and some very tough downs. I have survived a failed marriage, 2 failed relationships (one of which really had potential), being fired (from a job I hated and don't miss one bit) and 3 monumental moves. Yeah... no wonder I'm tired all the time. It's been a hell of a year.

However, somehow I have managed to land in a good place (and we are now in the "what I'm thankful for" portion of the program for those of you who didn't catch the transition). I love the coast. I have the gorgeous coast range at my back, the ocean at my front, my family and friends only a short drive away, and a job that I really love (even when I'm working hellacious hours). It is a good place where I am at. I would usually stop and lament about the things that didn't work out quite the way I wanted, but that's for another post. This post is about the things that are working... not the ones that aren't or didn't. Oh, and did I mention I get to move into my place this weekend? I get my to have my doggies with me!! I can't tell you how much I've missed them. I know they've had a good time with Farmer, but they are my pups and I miss having them around. I know all you critter owners out there know exactly what I mean.

The other thing that has been very interesting is the phenomenon of FaceBook. I have reconnected with so many people and rekindled so many old friendships... it is wonderful. It's like a huge support system that you could never have outside of technology and the internet. For instance... my buddy Wulfe and I met up for drinks and some din-din last night. I had been friends with him in high school. Hadn't seen or heard from him in at least 20 years. He found me on FB and we began reconnecting which led to an extremely fun night last night. We talked for hours. He's a cool guy that I'm glad came back into my life again. And so it has been with many others... old roommates, ex-boyfriends, past classmates... all there at the touch of my fingers. When I'm down, I know just who to tell... all my friends on FB and the love and support just rolls in. Fantastic!!

As for where I'm headed in the future? I do know that love will eventually find me again. Until then I think I'll just take it easy and have some fun. I feel the old confident me starting to re-emerge... I have missed her. And this is why my dinner with Wulfe was so interesting... he reminded me of the person I used to be. I had forgotten some things that I really need to hold on to. Oh, there are things about that person I used to be that I have no problem leaving in the past... but there are some things that I have rediscovered that I plan on keeping better track of in the future.

Nothing is quite so liberating as seeing yourself through someone else's eyes. It gives you a whole new perspective. It was one of the things that I really enjoyed with Farmer (and still do...).

Well, Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Thank you for your support and kind words over the last 8 months... it has been much needed.

And now I'm going to lay off the happy pills and see about rustling up some turkey...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I wonder who's shower I'm in?

Despite having the drive home from hell on Sunday night/Monday morning and then working a 12 or 13 hour day, I'm up at the butt-crack of predawn again (thanks Farmer... this is totally your doing). My neck feels like it has been vice-gripped and my range of motion is limited to a 1/2 inch side to side and down. I really need to stretch it back, but that is a no-go right now. Neck pain is the worst.

Anyway, I figured that since I was up I might as well get in the shower and see if the hot water could take some of the stiffness out. I'm standing there with my head down letting the water do it's magic when out of the corner of my eye I catch movement.

I am not alone...

There, scampering along the wall, is a spider. I HATE spiders. And of course he is headed down the wall and into the tub where he could possibly touch me. Completely unacceptable.

To discourage this move, I flick some water his way. He (or she... tough to tell unless it's a black widow. And I'm happy to report that it wasn't) He stops in his tracks and decides that it is far to wet now to continue and starts to make his way back up the wall (good spider). To encourage that movement, every time he hesitates I flick a little more water. Pretty soon he is up on the shelf with the shampoo seeking refuge. Good spider. Stay!!

But it got me wondering. To him the water droplets must have seemed monumental. I'm pretty sure he wasn't aware that I was the one flicking it at him. To him it was just "something" and he took the hint and got the hell out of dodge. Disaster averted and he lives to see another day. Makes me wonder if this isn't true for us as well?

I personally believe that there is something out there. Call it what you will. He (or She) goes by many names to many different people. I just call it the universe. I would dive in way deeper but that's like 400 posts. Suffice it to say that I believe and for now that's what I call it. I also believe that He (or She) didn't just make this place and then leave it to us. I still think there is a guiding hand to nudge us in this direction or that. And I also think that if you don't seize the opportunities that come along, they stop coming. This is the main reason why I'm at the coast. This is where the universe nudged me. I don't know why yet... but that will come along at some point. I did my part and grabbed onto the opportunity that was presented. I knew at some point it would come along, but not before I was ready.

I'm sure you're wondering where all this is leading? Well, Farmer and I called it good this weekend. He doesn't see any value in pursuing anything other than a friendship and I have no intention of pursuing something that someone else doesn't see value in. So... that's done. The friendship will go on... and be better for all that's gone on between us. But it's time to move on.

Don't get me wrong... I'm very bummed about this particular turn of events, but when the universe flicks water at you, you move. End of story. Plus I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me. I know Farmer enjoys my company, but not like I would want.

I'm hoping I did him a favor. I'm hoping that he saw that life could be different than what he thought... That there is more to it than just work. Only time will tell if he learned that lesson. As for me, I learned that you can have many things in common but see the world from a completely different point of view. Farmer has made me look at things from a different perspective. He'll probably always be someone I go to for advise. He's good at pointing out angles I had never even considered. He's the calm in my storm.

So life will move on...

On a side note: My buddy Wulfe has started a blog called "My Thoughts". I have posted a link to it at the top of the page. Go check it out... I think it's going to be a good one to follow.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I hope not...

I'm know I'm not the only one, although some days it feels that way. I'm talking about depression. It's an insidious creature that doesn't discriminate... It envelopes you in a foggy cage that seems almost inescapable sometimes.

For the most part I have been pretty good about doing the things that keep the depression at bay... living in sunny areas, riding frequently, getting out with my friends and family, creating a good home environment. There was one year where I was completely hamstrung by depression and I NEVER want to have a time like that again. I was basically sleeping for 18 to 20 hours a day and completely non-functional.

So, why am I bringing this up? After all, I finally have a job that I LOVE... so what's the problem, you ask? Yes, that part of my life is finally straightened out, but it's the only part. And as much as I love my job I am not the type of person that lives to work. I work to live... doing something I like to do is just a huge bonus.

This week (if you've been reading back) has not been the best week. I can feel the wisps of depression starting to surround me. I don't think it's weather related... surprisingly enough, the sun is out quite frequently here (and trust me, I am surprised... it is the Oregon coast, after all). I think it more has to do with the fact that I've been living out of my car for almost a month, money is extremely tight (and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to get this enormous deposit together), I really have no friends here, I don't have any of my animals here. I sit around stressing out about all of the aspects of my life that are still a mess and then I stress out over the fact that I'm stressing out when I should just be grateful that I have a job... and one I like.

I feel myself chasing my own tail and that's a tough cycle to break. I continue to have the "oh shit" moments although I know I've done the right thing. People keep telling me that it will all get sorted out (I know they mean well) and intellectually I know this is true... emotionally is a completely different matter and I'm an emotional person (like you couldn't tell). And I don't feel like there is anyone who really understands... so then I don't feel like really calling anyone and talking about it. I find myself defending these feelings and I hate doing that. Plus I have no idea what I want from them... I know I'm tired of hearing that it's just in my head and I'm fine. Right now it's really hard and people don't seem to get that. I have just moved to a place where I know no one... alone. It's a hell of a lot harder than it seems...

During work I'm a happy person and glad to be here. After work when I'm sitting around alone is when I feel it most. Some people like and crave that alone time... I, on the other hand, fear it. I'm too much in my own head as it is. I really don't need this much time for it.

I know it seems like I'm a whiny, ungrateful bitch. Mostly I just need to vent without feeling like I'm being judged...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Are you sure?

One of Farmer's favorite sayings is to remind me that the world does not revolve around me. But sometimes I just can't help but wonder about a cause and effect thing going on...

For instance, Monday night I happened to mention that I missed him. On Tuesday I didn't hear from him at all... other than a 2 word reply to a text I had sent him a couple of hours previously. When I called him around 9pm he was already in bed and not in the mood to talk.

So then I wonder... is the lack of communication a response to me saying that I missed him? Or was he just having one of those days and didn't have the time or energy to chat with me?

I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I just can't help it...

Monday, November 16, 2009

Didn't see that one coming...

As you may know, I spent the weekend at my parents' house dog sitting Simba (their Rottweiler/St. Bernard) and Midas (Booty's Chow Chow). Midas is hangin' at the parentals until Booty comes back from East Asia. For an entertaining read, click on the link to the right about her travels. She's having an awesome time.

Anyway, I was supposed to see Bff and a couple other people while I was in town... but that was derailed when I came down with flu-like symptoms. I don't if it was the flu, per se but I was running a pretty good fever and felt like absolute crap. This was not helped by the fact that my period also started so I was dealing with cramps and that crap as well. Not the best weekend I've ever had.

So, to make a long story short, I didn't see anyone. No one wanted to be around my germs. And I don't blame them and I completely understood. I did have dinner last night with my parents and that was nice (and yummy, too).

When I got back to the gay guys' house I was all of a sudden hit with the most profound sense of loneliness... I was totally unprepared for it. I was having an oh shit, what have I done moment. I don't know anyone here. I don't have any friends here. I don't have Farmer here. I don't have my dogs or horses here.

I am ALONE...

Oh, the feeling finally passed after some seriously intense moments but I so didn't like that.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I wonder...

So I've been giving the question of Farmer and I a lot of thought, lately. I keep going back to the morning that basically was the beginning of the end and I wonder why I was so upset that morning. I also wonder why Farmer and I sometimes bring out the worst in each other?

As for the first question, I think I may have an answer. Information, I think, is a major key to a relationship working or not. So much can be kept secret simply by the act of omission. The Biologist was a master at this... and so was ex-hub to some extent (although ex-hub did it merely out of laziness... not in trying to keep secrets from me). I tend to get very defensive when things are going on that I had no prior knowledge of. And it's not like I cared where he was going or what he was doing (I was NEVER worried about him cheating on me or anything like that) but it somewhat seemed a repeat of my marriage... two people going their own directions and doing their own things without really consulting or involving the other person. I'm probably very hyper-sensitive to it. In my mind it's like how long does it take to make a quick phone call when things arise? I'm sure to Farmer it was no big deal. In fact, knowing him like I do, I'm sure that morning he was trying very hard not to wake me up because I had to get up later and work. That's just the kind of person he is. I know I came at him way to hard... but there is nothing I can do about that now. I try to slow down and not be so reactionary these days... but I don't always succeed. For better or worse, it is a part of who I am. You can ask my mother...

As for the second question... that one I'm still working on. I think it has something to do with 2 very strong personalities clashing on occassion. My very strong will brings out his very strong will. For the most part I think this is a good thing... occassionally it really trips us up. I actually really love the fact that his opinions are as strong as mine... once I've stepped back and really thought about what he had to say. In the moment, I'm probably not nearly as appreciative of that trait as I should be. And this is where I start to wonder if a long-distance situation could maybe be a very good thing?

I have no intentions of dating anyone else. I'm pretty sure he doesn't either (could be wrong... wouldn't be the first time). We need time and a little distance to figure each other out. I think in time we could get those things ironed out and really make something of this. Of course, this could all be a completely moot subject. I'm probably jumping the gun considering that I have absolutely no idea where he's at on this.

But I'm just doing what I do best... putting out there what is on my mind. For better or worse...

Friday, November 13, 2009

Good question...

I gotta admit, I'm quite liking my new town of residence. Only one problem that I see so far... no one my age really. During the winter this is basically a retiree place. Which is fine except that it would be nice to interact with people in my own generation. Oh well...

A couple of things that have been weighing on my mind a bit though...

1. A place to live. This has been way more of a challenge than I thought it would be. The places that I can afford (and that will accept my dogs) have been places I wouldn't want to be... for a couple of reasons. Either the place was a complete pit or the neighborhood was somewhere in "deliverance" country. However, I may have found a place last night. A guy called in to the paper to place an ad for his small rental cottage. 1 br/1 ba (fine... just me, don't need a ton of space), fenced yard, dogs accepted and all utilities included except power... and in my price range. It will be ready at the end of the month. Perfect timing too. I think I'll be taking that one. Also, it's on a month-to-month if I happen to find something better.

2. Farmer. He's on my mind for a couple of reasons. First I have basically dumped my critters on him while I've been off trying to get things figured out here at the coast. This I feel really bad about... although he doesn't seem to know why I would feel guilty. The guys have said I can bring my dogs here to stay while I'm house sitting and I appreciate the offer. The problem? The have a TON of knick-knack type items that I am afraid Noelle would (not intentionally) destroy while I'm not at home to supervise. I know at Farmer's that they are safe and can get into very little trouble. Oh, he'll call me and tell me about things they've done (such as chewing the top off of a medicine bottle or dragging stuff out of the burn barrel) but for the most part it is a working farm where there is very little to get destroyed. But I feel like I'm taking advantage of Farmer and I never want him to feel that way... because I love him.

The 2nd reason is a little more complicated. And one I don't know how to discuss... I miss him. I'm sure he misses me too although he really doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to make it harder. Plus we're in a very weird place right now. Hendrix had asked if we were still together... good question. The short answer? It's complicated...

We're not together, but we are more than just friends. I'm not really sure where he stands on all of this. I have put it out there about doing the long-distance thing. I'm not sure he really wants to go there either... I'm not sure exactly why but I do have my suspicions. I have a feeling that he will feel it's very 1-sided because I would be doing all of the traveling... I know he doesn't have time to come here therefore it would be up to me to go there. Which I do anyway because (like I previously mentioned) I miss him and I get to see my critters... dogs and horses. I'm probably going to have to leave at least 2 horses there so I'll be headed that way quite a bit. I don't know... my opinion is why not give it a try and if the travel gets to be a drag or if we're just not connecting then call it good. I don't know about him, but I enjoy talking to him and hearing how his day went. When I'm there it's just nice to sit around on a Saturday evening and spend time together.

But, like I said... we really haven't discussed it so I have no idea where he stands on any of this. And I don't want to discuss this over the phone... this is an "in person" kind of discussion, I think. But maybe not... who knows?

I do know that this weekend I'm headed to my parent's house to dog-sit so I won't be headed to EO. I could make a day trip but that is a lot of driving in a very short weekend.

I'm thinking if Farmer and I did make a go of this long-distance I would probably be cutting it to 2 weekends a month... for my own sanity (and possibly his).

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I've had better...

So got settled into the gay guy's home last night. They have graciously offered to let me use their house while they are off traveling for the next 20 days.

Only one problem... food poisoning. Let's just say it was a rough night with things not able to decide which way they were going to be expelled. Definitely no sleep was had... and I desperately needed it.

Oh well. My stomach is still very unhappy, but I think the worst of it is over.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

My new home?

To my readers:

Sorry I have been lax on posting. It's been very busy. I know, I know... not an excuse, but the truth non the less.

So, I'll start with the house-hunting issue. For the first 2 weeks of this job the paper has been putting me up in a motel. It's not bad... kinda like a little private cabin with very spotty internet service (hence the lack of posts). After this week is over, I'm on my own... and I have yet to find a place. The panic is starting to set in. I do have a couple of back-up options, just in case. But I'm tired of living out of my car and a suitcase. And I miss my dogs... which can't come with until I have a place of my own. And people can't come to visit until I have a place of my own.

So Pub (my publisher) tells me about a friend of hers that is in property management. I take a look at his website and find a couple that look like they could work. I know Pub has mentioned to this guy that I have dogs. When I call to inquire about the rentals I also mention that I have dogSSSS (plural).

So, anyway... I tell him which ones I'm interested in and he tells me to drive by them first to make sure it's what I'm looking for. So I drive all over the place looking at the outside of these units. Some are cute... some are a mess. Some are in neighborhoods I don't want to live. The ones that fall under the last 2 are crossed off the list, which leaves about 4. So I go by the office and tell him and his (seriously leathery) assistant which ones I'd like to see. He tells me to come back at 3pm. OK...

So I go back at 3pm. When I walk in I again mention that I have dogs and are the units I'm interested in dog friendly. They are. However, he then proceeds to tell me that he needs to meet the dogs before we can go any further. Um.... small problem. The dogs are 5 hours East. I explain the situation to him (that I am moving from far away and can't really bring them down without a place for them... i.e. a home). I also tell him that his good friend, Pub, has met the dogs when I did the day trip for the interview. Well, he says, I brought them once why not again? Um... it was a day trip? I've got no place to keep them for the week. For some reason he's just not grasping the concept of why this is not going to happen. I do, however, offer to him for him to drive out to EO and meet them that way. That would be easier, after all.

So needless to say I depart without having seen any of his units. And it's not like he only has 1 or 2 to rent. The list is like 30 units long and a couple of the buildings have multiple ones for rent. So I go back and Pub is like, uh oh... was he being a Jackass? Oh yeah. You could say that.

So it is now Thursday in week 2 and I still don't have a clue as to where I'm going to live... YIPE!! I hate being homeless... I know that there are some temporary options, but I would like to get fully moved and settled already. But something will shake loose (I hope).

As for Farmer... I guess the discussion we had last Saturday really made a difference. He was back to his old self and it was just like old times. I really enjoyed myself. I miss him (and my dogs, and the cats, and the horses) but I'm also glad to be doing what I'm doing. I still wonder if a long distance relationship is an option. He is one of the few people that I would even consider doing that with...

But that's a question for another day I suppose.