Thursday, December 31, 2009

Break out the bubbly...

It's New Year's Eve...

As this year comes to a close the proper thing to do would be to reflect on what has gone on this past year, assess the lessons that have been learned (if any... sometimes it takes a few times) and make a plan of attack going into the new year.

Screw it... I am going to do no such thing.

I have already documented the complete mess that my life has been for the past year... no need to relive it again, in my opinion. After all, it always there just waiting to be read when I'm feeling a little nostalgic.

Instead I'm going to relax and enjoy the holiday. Wulfe is making the trek down to help me celebrate and it should be a fun weekend. Let the festivities begin...

Oh, and Happy New Year to you all!!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Just like old times...

So, I talked with Farmer tonight by phone. I hadn't spoken to him in a while and I thought I would see what he was up to. And what he was up to was his old self... and man, have I missed that!!

It really was just like old times... laughing, joking and ribbing each other. We were actually able to laugh and joke about our relationship... His take being that we should have just cut to the sex and left the rest of it out of the mix. Let's see, how did he put it? Oh yes... Just leave your pants at the door. That sentiment made me laugh so hard there were actual tears...

I mean, yes. It was rough... often he felt like he was being BBQ'ed anytime he opened his mouth. I'm hoping it wasn't quite that bad... but we were pretty far apart on a lot of things. And this trait that I find so endearing in a friend drove me completely nuts as his girlfriend. Ah, well... it was worth a try. I will never regret giving it a go... and I don't think he will either (with more counseling and possibly some shock treatment).

The most important part is this: we are still very good friends. The thing that mattered most stayed in tact...

Now, as I sit here I wonder if Wulfe is having the same kind of conversation with his ex? Their situation is a little different. He broke up with her (for good reasons that I won't get into) and she immediately went out and got a new boyfriend. Then a month later she got engaged... Yeah, I know... I had that same thought. A little quick, don't ya think?

For Wulfe it was just too much. He broke off contact and decided to let things heal before pursuing that friendship again. Smart move, if you ask me...  Anyway, as we were sitting over dinner this past weekend, I just got the impression that she was going to reach out to him again. And, lo and behold, not an hour later there she was showing up in a text. He decided to meet her tonight and wrap up that unfinished business and offer friendship if she was interested. Never an easy thing to do... especially when his mind is on someone else.

Hopefully it's going OK for him. I know for me and Farmer things are back to the way they were... and that alone is worth celebrating.

Hey, it could happen...

So, as the new year starts to draw near these are the times I once again start thinking about what I would like to accomplish in the next year. My theory in the past has been to shoot high in the hopes that maybe something will stick. So, here is my wish list for the next year...

1. Purchase a home. Now there are a few obstacles standing in the way of this one... I need to get the house in Idaho sold. Without that being out of my hair I really have no down payment and the thought of more than one mortgage scares the hell out of me. (True, ex-hub is taking care of it now, but as his circumstances change, this might too). As far as must haves for the home - Land... the more the better. Preferably with it's own water source somewhere on the property. The house itself I really don't care about as long as it has good feng shui. It has to have the right feeling... yes, yes, I know. That sounds stupid. But it's how I operate... Ask Wulfe. He witnessed that side of me first-hand this weekend (scared the crap out of him). The other thing is that I would like that home to be here, at the coast. I love this place... it has the best of all worlds. Jobs are tough to come by, but I happen to have one that I love and I really would like to stick with it (at least for a few years).

2. Love. (Shhhhhhhh... this is my wish list). Yes, I really want to be in love again. I know, I know. I am a glutton for punishment... I can't help it. It has been rough in that department this past year but as the end of this year draws to a close there is light on the horizon for this particular wish.

3. The horses here with me. This kind of ties in to #1, but I would like to have the critters here as soon as possible. I just need to find a way to make that happen. What I need is someone close that has a pasture sitting vacant that only wants $25 a head per month. Again... this is my list, so a girl can dream, can't she?

4. Shed a few pounds. OK... maybe more than a few. I feel better when I am at least 10 lbs lighter than I am now... I would prefer 20 or so. The puppies and I have started walking every morning so I'm hoping that will help. Plus, if I can get the horses down here I'd like to start training for endurance races again. I know Flash is ready to go and the first race I'd like to do is in April. Not sure if I can get the camper rounded up from Idaho by then... but something to think about.

5. Deal with Idaho. I am tired of uttering the phrase: I have that... but it's in Idaho. Ex-hub and I are still on pretty good terms, but I'm wondering how long that will last? He seems to be entering into the "angry" phase... as witnessed by the fact that he apparently stuck his hand through a window last week. Definitely not the person I remember. Plus, I am just ready to cut ties with that relationship once and for all. If there really is a friendship there it is pretty one-sided. Just like our marriage, if I don't make the effort then it just doesn't happen. I am ready to cut those types of people out of my life.

Well, I think that is an intimidating enough list for now... We shall see how well I do in getting 'er done.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas...

To all my readers, I just wanted to say a few things on this special day of the year. First of all, I hope that the things that I write touch you in some way... And although some don't understand why I do it, I know that it makes a difference to me to know that I am not alone as I travel through life's difficult times. And it makes me happy when I get to share the utter joys that life delivers, as well.

Wildflower has reminded me that there is no time to waste. Things may or may not turn out how you want them to, but not having the courage to grab an opportunity and take full advantage of it is the cowardly way to live life. I may experience more hurt than some other folks, but I also get to experience more joy. I have always leaped before I looked and accepted the consequences as they have come. Some things have worked... some have not. But I feel like I am trying to live life to the fullest and that is all we can do.

The tail end of this year has brought about some unexpected changes in my life that I am looking forward to exploring... and to all of my family and friends (especially bff, Wildflower, Wulfe and Farmer) you mean the world to me... Thank you for being a part of this crazy ride that is my life!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I repeat.... oh, nevermind...

So, it's basically been one thing or another since I've moved into my place. Don't get me wrong, for what it is I love it. It's.... cozy. Which is another way of saying I have moved into a postage stamp. Good thing it's just me and the dogs... it would be pretty tight with another human being here (not that that wouldn't be nice).

My landlord is interesting to say the least. I'm pretty sure he was one of the most active hippies in the 60's... and is still going strong. For instance... my water heater did not really work when I moved in. You could get maybe 5 minutes of good hot water until it would poop out on you and turn lukewarm. So I would have to do things in shifts. This shower: wash my hair. Next: shave... you get the idea. But see, one of my deepest pleasures is a long, hot shower. And I was being seriously deprived!! So, I kept mentioning to Hippie that it really needed to be fixed. He agreed... and then would promptly forget we had spoken. I am pretty sure he is a few bottles short of a six-pack.

You can't just have a conversation with him on a particular subject... there has to be many. Eventually the job does get done though... I do have a new hot-water heater... oh, and internet. The cable is a WIP (work in progress). The dish people set it up wrong so now we are both fighting over the same signal... I'm supposed to be on my own signal so I can watch what I would like... not whatever he is watching. It is a different experience to watch your TV while someone else (not even in the same house) is manning the controls. Let's just say we do not agree on what makes for good TV.

So maybe, if I'm lucky, we'll have that sorted out by the first of the year... but I'm not holding my breath.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A sad day...

My good friend Wildflower lost her ex-lover/best friend yesterday. And because she and I are like twins, always thinking and feeling the same things, my heart breaks for her. I have only felt what she is feeling to a small degree and I know how the bone-crushing grief can be overwhelming, barely allowing you to breathe.

And just when you think you might get your head above the ocean of sorrow, the smallest thing pulls you back down again. I want to hug her and tell her it will eventually all be OK. Not better... it will never be better. After all, he is gone from this world. But, with time, it will be OK. The grief will be replaced by happy memories. Instead of incredible sadness when she thinks of him there will be joy that she got to have him in her life for that brief period of time... and experience comfort knowing that he is now watching over her (and I am CERTAIN that he is).

Wildflower was there for me on one of the darkest days of my life... I am so very sad that I cannot return the favor.

I love her and am thinking of her...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Troubling thoughts...

Occassionaly there are moments in your life when a triggering moment will start a cascade of emotions. All of those carefully crafted walls are no match for the sea of emotions that has just been unleashed. And just like the levies in New Orleans, those walls are no match for the tide that has just engulfed them. Everything that you thought had been dealt with comes to the forefront, once again.

I am troubled by the fact that things that I thought I could always count on being there start to disintigrate before me... with nothing for me to do but watch. Where once words of compassion and love filled the air, now only awkward conversation and miscommunication can be heard. Promises that were made start to fracture like delicate glass. And just like fractured glass, the harder I try to hold on to it the deeper the cuts go.

It is amazing to me that the actions of another can wound our souls so deeply. I am still struck by the deep betrayal of ex-hub. He promised, in front of God and witnesses, to always love and cherish me... that we would be two halves of a whole. And I believed... only to find out that I didn't mean to him what I thought I did. His pride was way more important than our happiness.

And now with two more failed relationships behind me, I wonder if I want the impossible? Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? Someone with whom your soul can't and won't live without? I think I have seen this here on this Earth, but then again... looks can be decieving. Perhaps it's just not possible. There is a line from a movie that goes something like: "you don't want to be in love... you want to be in love in the movies...". Do I suffer from this affliction?

This is the one myth that I don't want to find out doesn't exist... like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. I continue to believe because I want so very much for it to be true. But I am plagued by the fact that perhaps it is not love that is the problem... perhaps it is me. Maybe I am the kind of person that does not inspire these kinds of thoughts or feelings. Am I so difficult that I make it impossible for this type of relationship to really exist? I realize that I come with a lot of baggage... but I always believed that this was balanced out by the fact that there were a lot of good things there too. But am I giving myself way too much credit? I don't know...

And perhaps it is just one of those days... I just need to wait for the tide to recede and build the walls back up. I hope that what I fear does not come to pass... that what I am witnessing is just a difficult time that will work itself out.

Only time will tell...

Friday, December 11, 2009

Cat attack...

So, I was sitting around on the beach this morning chit-chatting with some newly made friends. They are a married couple that walk their puppy around the same time I do every morning. Their puppy is thrilled to have friends to play with... Noelle seems pretty ecstatic about the proposition as well. Daisy just wants to be left alone to go sniff and roll in whatever she deems worthy.

So anyway, we were relating funny stories back and forth. And I was telling them about the 2 kitties that are still with Farmer... Bug and Spiderman.

Bug is a skinny gray and white cat that is so named because he is a PEST. No ifs, ands or buts about it. He is always right under your feet, or elbow, or back, or knee... and he is very naughty. When you hear squeeking coming from inside the house (usually in the kitchen) this just means that Bug has brought his still semi-conscious dinner inside to play with.

At this point I'm usually pointing at Farmer to dispose of both cat and din-din... and no, I don't care that it's still alive. Just get it out of here... STAT. To remove the mouse is simple enough... just grab the cat by the scruff of the neck and make sure he has a grip on the mouse. Then unceremoniously toss them both outside. Problem solved... until he drags it back in through the dog door.

Spiderman, on the other hand, is a somewhat chunky black cat with a kinked tail. Hunting for him is a recreational sport... not a matter of eat or not. In fact, if given his choice Spiderman prefers dog food over cat food any day of the week. If you think your dogs get excited at feeding time, you haven't seen anything until you've seen a black, pudgy fur ball going mach 20 across the kitchen floor in hopes of picking up a few morsels that the dogs (or Farmer) may have dropped or left behind. And if he's not stalking the dog food then he's laid out on one of the dog beds... usually on his back with his legs stretched out as far as they can go. If a dog dares try to take over the dog bed then they soon learn the error of their ways.

So a while back I was at Farmer's place and it was a beautiful day so I had gone for a ride. As I was unsaddling I noticed that Spiderman was herding the neighbor's wild chickens towards the barn with Bug in hot pursuit. They managed to get the chickens (about 20 of them) into the barn and up on a stack of hay.

So Bug sits down in front of the stack while Spiderman goes around the back and begins to climb the stack and prep for his stealth attack. And as I'm watching this I'm thinking they are pretty smart. Bug is keeping their attention forward so Spiderman can catch one from the back... not bad, kids.

Spiderman then launches himself off the stack and manages to actually land on the back of one of the chickens. Mass chicken hysteria ensues. The one with Spiderman attached to it actually takes flight with him hanging on for all he's worth. The rest of the chickens have, in the meantime, sprinted down the stack and right over the top of Bug.... he didn't stand a chance. He was literally flattened by 19 chickens running around like... well, like chickens with their heads cut off. But I am here to tell you that all of the chickens were definitely in possession of their heads when they flattened the cat.

Meanwhile, Spiderman is going for the 8 second ride and trying desperately not to get bucked off by the hysterical beast beneath him. No luck... he's dumped after about two flaps of the feathers. So now there are two flattened cats laying on the barn floor desperately trying to assess what the hell just happened as feathers from the recently departed chickens gently float to the floor. And you can just see them staring at each other with a look like "well that didn't go the way I thought it would".

And then the blame game begins...

Bug: What the hell? Why didn't you hang on longer?

Spiderman: Me? You were supposed to keep them there on the stack... not let them run over the top of you.

Bug: Run over? They did no such thing. I just happened to think that I really didn't want to keep them there anymore for strategic purposes. Plus, all you had to do was ride that one to the ground and then we would have had it.

Spiderman: I tried!! Did you see the way that thing was flapping around? It was wild!! Plus it was like way bigger than I am...

Bug: Uh huh. Sure. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You're huge. That chicken was lucky to get in the air at all with all the combined weight.

Spiderman: Oh never mind. Let's go find Daisy or Missy... they'll be more than happy to kill one for us.

Bug: Deal...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Am I really asking for too much?

So, I'm back to thinking about what I would like to find in a future mate... and have discussed this topic with a few of my friends... male and female. Everyone, of course, has a different opinion on what I want as far as a mate goes... Bff, being ever practical, shrugs her shoulders and basically tells me I might be alone for the rest of my life if I hold out for all that. Wildflower, who is exactly like me, thinks that it is definitely attainable. Wulfe (the man's perspective) wonders why I don't just go out and have some of my needs met... oh and he's more than willing to provide that service, of course (what breathing man with functioning equipment isn't... really? Except for my ex-hub... and that's a whole other conversation). Thanks for the offer, but...

Anyway, I don't think that my list is all that unreasonable. Basically it boils down to 3 things. I want to be the world to that person... I want that person to be the world to me... oh, and the sex needs to be fantastic. Seems reasonable to me... but then again I do tend to live in my own little universe. Farmer loved to point this out to me quite frequently.

Nothing wrong with that, I say. I just need to find a man that doesn't mind visiting my universe for stretches at a time...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

So much for the banana belt...

So, I've been down at the coast for a little over a month now. When I first moved here I would talk to my mom in the valley and the weather there would always be colder than here. Every one explained to me that this was the "banana belt"... however, I will be the first to tell you that I have yet to see an actual banana tree anywhere in the vicinity.

So while the rest of Oregon was preparing for the cold snap, I figured I wouldn't need to worry... after all, we are in the banana belt, right? So imagine my surprise when I woke up the other day to a balmy 9º. Perhaps they meant banana belt in the ironic sense?

But even though it was only 9º out, the dogs still needed to be walked... otherwise Noelle might actually go stark-raving mad (she's a heeler mix and just can't help herself... she's got a lot of energy). So I began to bundle up.

Long johns? Check. Wool socks? Check. Arctic insulated Carharts? Check. Puffy down jacket? Check. Gloves? Check. Hat? Check. Dogs? Check and check.

So out I go into the frigid weather looking like the Michelin Man's long lost ugly step-sister. I mean, I've got so many clothes on I am waddling. The dogs, on the other hand, are ecstatic about the cold weather... they are running around like chickens with their heads cut off but I finally manage to get the leashes on the stupid beasts... I mean dogs.

So off we go... them bouncing around... me just trying not to fall over as I waddle along (because if I do happen to hit the ground there is no way I'm getting upright again). We make it to the beach with little incident so I decide to let them off to run around on the sand. They take off like bats out of hell, racing each other down the beach... and as I'm watching them I realize that Daisy, being the extremely smart dog that she is, has positioned herself on the upside of the beach whereas Noelle is racing along the wet sand where the tide has gone out. For a while this works out great until they come upon a spot where the water has pooled somewhat... and is now ice because it's only 9º out (wait... did I mention that already?)

Noelle hits that patch at full speed... unfortunately for her. All four legs immediately go out from underneath her and as she hits her stomach she begins to spin like a top across the ice. Daisy, of course, has stopped to watch the festivities... Noelle finally hits the other side of the ice patch (still on her stomach) and comes to a screeching halt. I am laughing so hard by this time that I am in danger of falling over and possibly becoming an oceanic float when the tide comes back in.

Noelle sheepishly picks herself back up, gives her fur a good shake and proceeds to take off down the beach again at full speed. This is a dog that I can see trying to lick a metal pole just to see what will happen... more than once.

Not my brightest animal. But I love her just the same... and nothing compares to the comic relief she provides on a daily basis.

So happy to have my mutts back with me...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

How much I is TMI?

I know this will come as a complete shock for some of you, but I'm going to go ahead and put it out there anyway... I can be a blunt person *gasp*

I know, I know. My mother swears that when filters were being handed out in heaven I chose to go and play with my friends. I don't know... apparently it just didn't seem that important to me at the time. And to be honest, I still don't really think there is a need. Oh, occasionally I will say something that will make all those around me gasp in horror... but those times are becoming more and more infrequent.

So, one of two things is happening:
1. I am becoming more careful in what I say (yeah, right)
2. People are just getting more and more used to TMI.

I suspect in my case I can thank number 2. I suspect this tolerance of TMI has come about because of the wonderful world of FaceBook. I can log on at any time and get the status updates from hundreds of my closest friends... and these people have NO problem saying whatever is on their minds. Seriously.

Case in point... I'm looking through it right now and a current status is: Bigfoot encounter in Wahkiacus, WA. 3:00 am, dogs going crazy, horses galloping like mad in the corral. Stepped outside to smell the fowlest smell I had ever smelled. I was being watched...

I'm telling ya... these people will just put it out there.

But then you have those that don't give you enough I. They hold things back that they definitely should be saying right up front. For instance... I have a friend, Wildflower, who was dating this guy for a few months. Things were going great. She was a little concerned because they were kind of in different places. She has a steady job, he's just now starting back to school... but she was really enjoying his company and thought that it could really go somewhere when he got his life figured out.

So, she ran into the friend that set them up a few days ago. This friend asked Wildflower how things were going. Wildflower explained that it was good but that she wasn't sure about being in such different places, because she was ready to settle down, get married and have kids. So the friend stops in her tracks and turns to Wildflower and says "you know he can't have kids, right?".

Um, NO!! Wildflower was NOT aware of this little fact. Come to find out, he not only had had a vasectomy, he also already had 2 kids from a previous relationship... WTF? How do you manage to not mention that once in the 5 or so months you have been together?

Of course, Wildflower did the only thing she could... she dumped the bum.

Good for you, girl!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

It's the 100th post!! Have a drink on me...

Hard to believe, but this is my 100th post. Amazing to think that I would have so much to write about that could possibly fill 100 posts... but there you have it.

I have a hodge-podge of topics to cover today, so let's get this party started...

1. El Dub (aka my dad) was mentioning that he absolutely cannot understand why I put myself out here like I do. His reasoning: people will take the information and knowledge that you give them and use it against you. And, I suppose, some might. I think that this tarnished view of the world comes from his being in some sort of sales type job for most of his life... I think jobs like that scar you for life (I mean, look at the dealership... I was lucky to escape with very little brain damage). I happen to think that most people want to see good things happen and try to support you in your endeavors. If I'm wrong about that I hope to remain blissfully unaware. So I will continue to "put it out there". It's been nice knowing I'm not the only one going through these things.

2. Moving on to mom now... She is convinced that the reason I "do not have religion" is because organized religion is very inconvenient. And it is... VERY inconvenient. But that isn't the reason. I really haven't found one yet that really "speaks" to me. Her argument would be that you have to go to know... yes, yes. I get that. Perhaps that is something I will explore in the next year. Maybe...

3. OK, now for the "big juan"... THE MOVE. Yes, it happened this weekend. And, boy, let me tell ya... what a weekend it was. Did a trip down to EO to pick up my stuff from Farmer's. That was tough but I made it through. The bonus? It was sunny with no wind so Flash and I went out for a nice ride as well. It was hard to really say goodbye to Farmer. Oh, I'll see him now and again (he does have my horses, after all) but it won't be the same. I don't live there anymore...

So, got that stuff and drove back to Hillsboro. Loaded up my brother's truck and my car and headed to the coast on Sunday. Got everything moved into the house... did I mention that I have just moved into a postage stamp? Seriously. This place is small... The dogs are wondering how the hell to get out of the way when I'm trying to get stuff put away. The bonus is that there is a yard, the utilities are paid and I'm only a block and a half from the beach.... it's awesome.

The dogs and I are loving our morning walks on the beach... and what a great way to start the day!!

I'm feeling pretty damn lucky. Things are starting to sort themselves out.... finally. It's been a tough year, but it's ending on a good note.

Couldn't ask for anything more...