Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Birds of a feather...

This morning when I got up it was gray and dreary (not unusual for the Willamette Valley). I was going to skip taking the dogs to the field to run around, but then I rolled over and saw 2 sets of very sad eyes looking into my soul and pleading with me to get my ass out of bed.

Of course, I complied. That's the one thing about dogs, they keep you going.

So, I loaded everyone up in the truck and headed over to the field. As the dogs were running around in glee, I heard a huge commotion coming our way... in the form of thousands of geese heading for... well, not sure about that actually. But the sight was awesome. It was like watching the ocean - wave after wave of birds passing up above making the most wonderful patterns across the sky.

These are the kinds of things that the Biologist and I loved to show each other... interesting weather coming in, some cool animal track across the pasture... and all of a sudden my heart was aching again. I miss having someone close to me who thinks these things are as amazing as I do.

And that got me thinking. How important is it that you are with someone that shares the same wonders in life that you do?

Ex-hub and I had very few of these things in common as time went on. One of my favorite things to do was to go to the beach and watch the weather roll in... he never found it as interesting as I did. At the time, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then, when I met someone that had this same "thing" in common, it opened up a whole new world of conversation and intimacy. I realized how much it really did mean.

But how do you know, until you know... you know?


  1. Hi, I just wanted to say that I love your blog. You've inspired me to write one, although I'm still working out a few bugs before I let it go public.

    I am, like you, a recently bewildered 30-something (32) out of job, and out of a relationship that occupied most of the last 11 years for me. What now? The thought of dating? Terrifying. Not so much that I'll have to chat up strange men but because I will have to hide the impulse to let them know just how stupid I think they are. Sarcasm is my forte and break-ups make me bitter. Also, like you, I am currently living off the good graces of my very generous parents because I cannot get a permanent job. My life is on hold, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not entirely sure which direction I want it to take. This is hampering the whole getting back on my feet effort. Yet... there is hope. And because I can't afford therapy and I type faster than I write, a blog seems like the perfect place to let loose. So... wish me luck, as I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors here and in the real world.

    With regards to having things in common: Yes. It matters. I came to this conclusion a little late in my last relationship and no doubt that's because it's hard to recognize when you don't want to admit it's the main catalyst that your relationship is falling apart. I always enjoyed the fact that my boyfriend and I had just enough in common to enjoy each other's company and get along well on vacations, but otherwise lead separate and sometimes vastly different lives. This at the very least kept the conversations interesting.

    When I lost my job and could no longer afford to pay my own way on vacations, adventures, or eventually even dinner, that's when the disparities between our lifestyles and general attitudes towards life came into stark relief. I saw this coming before I was completely broke and merely poor and so with a last ditch attempt to sign us both up for tennis lessons, trying to combine things we did still have in common - a love for physical activity and being outdoors in the summer - I hoped to create something new we could share and bond over. But, our different work schedules and finances and other things got in the way and we never really did meet up for a game but maybe twice. It became obvious with the absence of a lot of our usual co-activities since us doing them was now entirely dependent on whether or not he wanted to pay for both of us, that there wasn't much left that we had in common. Combine that with poor communication skills on both our parts, and we were screwed.

    Those two things, good communication and similar interests, are essential to a strong relationship in my opinion. I think the balance of how much two people need to have in common and how much of their lives they'd like to keep for themselves varies from couple to couple, but in the end I think more in common than not, and the right things in common, make for stronger bonds.

    Unfortunately for me and my ex, having a good time together at the bar and in the bedroom was about all that was left after a couple of tastes and philosophies shifted. That makes for a good Friday night, but it's not enough to sustain for a lifetime, no matter how nice a guy he is.

    Just my humble opinion. Good luck with your blog, SweetPea.

  2. Good luck to you, too!! Drop me a link once you're up and running :)

  3. Ah, yes. I am 30 this year, trying hard to work things out with the hubby, who is 45. It seems our age differences and different hobbies have simply ended this. Unfortunately, it's difficult, since we have 2 kids together, ages 6 and 4. We have been in counseling for 3 months, and, though there's been some progress in communication, the love just ain't there.

    Have you ever noticed how different the light is in autumn vs. summer? Hubby doesn't. So many don't. The air even smells different, and most people just don't notice, but I do. So does this WONDERFUL guy I met. Erg. I am SOOOOO attracted to him, but I'm not even divorced. Close, but not. But....he's sooo right...UGH. Figures.

  4. Thank you, SweetPea! I most certainly will.

    Elyn, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I hope... no... I'm SURE it will all work out in the end. No doubt it will not be easy though. Adding kids to the mix always complicates things. Of course, they're also a lovely positive thing to focus on to take your mind off all the philosophical questions you'll probably never be able to answer anyway, either.

    I applaud you for trying therapy. I always told myself (and only 1 other close girlfriend) that although we'd probably never get married, IF the subject came up, I would require that my boyfriend and I first attend couples counseling before even getting married. Not because there were problems at that time, but because I knew we're both sooooo on the short bus when it comes to knowing how to communicate feelings. I guess that should have been my first tip off. Ahh... what we tell ourselves we don't see in order to convince ourselves of what we want to see. No amount of therapy or tennis can fill the void that loves leaves when it goes.

    Ever notice how in early winter, the clouds during sunsets are usually purple with peach? I always have. My boyfriend... not so much.

    Best of luck to you Elyn.