I told you so...

It is not often I get to utter those words. In fact, the occurrences are so few that I could actually count them on one hand... possibly two. And when the opportunity does arise to utter those magical words I, of course, usually see it coming and take full advantage. However, yesterday's occurrence took me completely by surprise.

I was working late trying to convince the website that it really did want to accept the code I was feeding it... never an easy thing. As always, I had FaceBook running in the background. I wasn't paying attention to fb whatsoever because Wulfe had gone home hours ago and he's the only reason why I really have it running during the day anyway.

So, imagine my surprise when the Biologist popped up on chat. Yeah... I had that very same thought as well... wtf? Well, Wulfe and I had had an enlightening (on my side) conversation the night before and I decided to continue the trend and get a few things off my chest. So I starting asking questions about things that had really bothered me about our break-up. It was a revelation...

First off I asked why he never texted me back when I had texted that I missed him (in a moment of weakness). His response was textbook: because he didn't want to make things worse. What is it with guys on this point? Seriously? Farmer and I had that same exact conversation once as well... his take? That it makes it harder when you hear you are missed. OK... I so don't get that. For me, I would rather know I was missed. At least that way I know it's just not me feeling that way, and that somehow makes it better. Farmer and the Biologist (and later Wulfe) said the same thing: you're odd. Whatever... I just like to know I'm not in it alone.

Next topic of conversation was the perceived one-sided nature of our relationship. We discussed quite a few things under this heading. He said that even though aspects of me drove him up the wall there were a lot of things he missed once I was gone. And then the conversation ended with a whopper. He said something to the effect of: I never really appreciated what I had and I was a fool to let you go...

Duh... I told you so!!

(Now, because my mother reads this I need to put in a little disclaimer... yes, mother, I still realize what a jerk he is)

Right or wrong, it was a nice little ego-boost. And now I am with someone who does appreciate me and my upsides. And so far Wulfe thinks that my upsides far outweigh the downsides.

I've learned a lot in the last year, so I hope it stays that way...

Maybe the "Big Guy" really is listening?

OK... so there is this thing on FaceBook called Message from God (mom, I did not pick the name so give me a break here). Anywho, I occasionally click on it to see what the message for the day is. It's usually uplifting and makes me think a bit... never a bad thing.

Today's message was:

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you, together, open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing.

 

BINGO!!

This is how I have always felt... but was never able to put it into words. I think it's a beautiful sentiment that I hope to remember when Wulfe has done something that makes me want to rip his ears off (just kidding, dear). I think it takes that type of work to keep a relationship alive and healthy. It was something that ex-hub and I forgot and I don't want to repeat that mistake again, ever.

Anyway, just something I wanted to share...

Back to the drawing board...

Well... that didn't work.

Gave the BC a try again. 5 days in I was starting to exhibit signs of crazy, so I quit. And then the real crazy began...

Oh yeah... It was an epic episode complete with paranoia, drama, not-so-rational arguments and a poo-load of tears. But it actually started over the weekend... (the scene shimmers and we are zipped back in time to Saturday night)...

So Wulfe and I were on his couch talking and the subject of his gaming came up. Yes, Wulfe is a gamer... which I really have no problem with. He hasn't made it a priority over me so I really haven't given it much thought other than the fact that I really want to get outdoors quite a bit this summer and I'm hoping it doesn't become an issue. Then the BC steps in and all of a sudden we have a "discussion" on our hands. Well... it's a discussion on his end and an attack on mine. At the time I didn't recognize it for what it was, but Wulfe did a good job of defusing me by pointing out the fact that I am number 1 in his life. That pretty much shut me up... that night.

Sunday rolls around and I let him know what was going on the previous night. That I didn't recognize it for what it was at the time but figured it out later. He agrees that me on BC is not a good thing. I quit. Sunday ends well and I head for home.

You already heard about the shitty day that was Monday (previous post). Then Tuesday rolls around and the epic episode begins...

First, I got hardly any sleep Monday night. So right off the bat I'm tired. Then ex-hub calls to discuss Maxwell... at that point the prognosis was not good and the tears started. Then I get to work and Wulfe makes a fairly innocent comment and the paranoia gets its claws in me and I go nuts.... I mean really nuts. And the worst part was I could see what was happening and was basically powerless to stop it... I HATE that. The tears kept on coming... the paranoia was in full swing. Wulfe was wondering who the hell I had just morphed into and wisely did not engage the behavior (unlike poor Farmer...)

It was almost two in the afternoon before I started to calm down. But I did get the paper out... (the show must go on, and all that)

So, Wulfe got to see what it was like for Farmer, up close and personal... And hearing about it is nothing like really experiencing it. I did text Farmer and apologize once again. Farmer gave me some advice to give Wulfe, which I did pass along... we'll see if he uses it.

I also called the Doc to see what my BC options are now. He basically said he had never had a patient with this particular problem and that he'd get back to me on that one... sigh. I am getting tired of being different. Allergic to caffeine and latex... and now BC? C'mon... that's just not fair.

So, in summary... everyone made it through the episode with all their limbs intact. Wulfe has decided that I'm not the devil (yet) and is coming to visit this weekend and meet the fam on Sunday (that ought to be interesting...)

Oh, and ex-hub called. Ends up Maxwell did not have a tumor. He had 2 teeth that were rotten and causing an infection and puss pocket behind his eye. The vet pulled the teeth, cleaned him up, put him on antibiotics and sent him home.

No word on how he's doing now, but the prognosis was good...

I need a "reset" button...

Yeah... there are just days where you just want to go back to the beginning and hit the reset button. I am having (or have just had... depending on how you want to look at it) one of those days.

And, actually it started last night. I was visiting Wulfe this weekend and got a late start home. I drove right into a pretty nasty storm pretty late at night. I had to stop and pull trees out of the way to get back to the coast (and got drenched while doing it because it was raining so hard). So, that sucked.

I woke up at 4am and really couldn't get back to sleep. Yeah, that sucked as well.

Then this morning when I got to work, all hell broke loose.

First I got an email from ex-hub saying that our cat, Maxwell, was not doing well. But, of course he didn't just say that. Let's see... how did he put it? Oh yes, it was something like: I don't know if you care, but...

I love that cat. He was a part of my life for 10 years. And even if I wasn't attached to Max, I still am a bleeding heart for any animal and he knows this. He was just trying to stick it to me. And it worked... I am pretty pissed off with him. And so very sad about Max (OK... trying not to cry as I type this). He has a tumor behind one of his eyes and will no longer eat or drink. Unfortunately he is too old for the vet to operate on. I'm pretty sure ex-hub will be putting him down tomorrow. And I'm sad and pissed that I don't get to say good-bye. He's there and I'm here... (OK... crying now).

Moving on...

So, that kind of set the mood for the day. After that, I was working on getting classifieds put together. I get all the way done and just a few ads to lay in... and then I pull in one of the ads and realize that the box size for the ad is a 2x2.5. The ad, in actuality, is a 2x5.

CRAP!! They dummied the ad size wrong. So, had to start all over again from scratch. Basically wasted four hours of my day. Four hours that I didn't have because the previous week I had lost a full day due to the internet and intranet being down.

Some days it just is not worth getting out of bed...

BC and FB...

So, as you know (if you've been keeping up) Wulfe and I are together officially. Which means time to consider the big BC again...

Yes, birth control. The 2 words I dread... possibly more than "I'm pregnant". It's a toss-up. But, considering that this is a new relationship and that Wulfe has a say too, back on birth control I go. I really didn't give the progesterone only pill much of a go. Once Farmer and I broke up I pretty much gave up on it. So, I really have no idea how it affects me. This has me a tad concerned... as I'm sure you can imagine.

After all, my track record with birth control over the last year has not been good. The worst part is that I can't recognize when I am being unreasonable. So, I have given Farmer the task of keeping an eye on things... after all, he lived with it. If anyone can recognize the early signs of crazy, it will be him. Wulfe also knows my concerns and will let me know if I start acting strange... but I am worried. I really don't want a train wreck of a relationship due to a chemical issue that is completely preventable.

Egads... what a mess. You know, if I didn't think that I might possibly want kids some day, I would totally have the plumbing taken out... what a pain in my ovaries!! Seriously.

OK... done ranting about that. If the writing starts to get weird here, you know what to do...

Now, on to another very interesting point that Bff brought up the other day. We were talking about the fact that I changed my status on FaceBook from "Single" to "In a relationship". Her take is that it makes it pretty serious. She might have a point.

After all, once you change your status everyone knows about it. Unlike a wedding ring, you can't just slip off your status and pretend you're single... you are committed. At least until you change your status back to "Single" again.

Personally, I like it. I get a little thrill every time I go to his page and see my name under the "In a relationship with" tag. Nice... very nice.

Is there an app for that?

As you know, for the most part I really enjoy my job. And then I have days like yesterday and it's a serious stroke of luck that all involved make it out alive.

As you may or may not know, I work for a newspaper. And with a newspaper comes deadlines. These deadlines do not change. Every week they are the same... without fail. And yet certain people seem so surprised when Monday rolls around again and we have to get the paper to the printer. It's not like this ever changes... this has to happen every week. Period.

The other thing is that overtime is frowned on. Well, actually people have been fired over it. It's a BFD if you have overtime. So, when I go over on Monday and Tuesday (because it's as inevitable as breathing) I have to leave early on another day. Obviously being the extremely smart person I am, I wait until Friday and take off a few hours early.

So this past Friday I left at 3pm. Now, the ad guys have Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to get ads to me so I can get them built and back to the them for approval. Ads being turned in on Mondays are a big no-no. I don't really have time to do them because I'm busy getting the classifieds to the printer. So, when I left early on Friday (only 2 hours, mind you) my bin was empty and everything was back to the guys.

When I came in yesterday my bin was full again with about 25 ads... and that is a conservative estimate. I mean, even if I had stayed the extra 2 hours on Friday there is no way I could have gotten those ads done. On average an ad takes me about 15 to 30 minutes... so do the math. I mean, c'mon people!! I am only one person who, by the way, is doing the job of two. My job used to be a 2 person job... and now there is just me and an intern who works for me 8 hours a week.

Oh, and to make matters worse, one of the ad guys called in sick yesterday... on a Monday. Really? You'd best be dying or have a limb severed... otherwise your ass had best be in to work. Let's just say that I'm pretty sure he will still be with us many years with all his limbs in tact... not acceptable!!

And it always seems to happen when he's gone to Portland to visit his girlfriend. Again... just not acceptable. I had a 4 hour drive to see Wulfe and I was still back on Sunday... he's only going an hour and a half (oh man, how I wish that was all I had to go... but that's another blog).

Anyway, I had to ride a few asses like Zorro to get what I needed but I did (miraculously) make deadline.

The plunge...

Ok, Ok... I've been keeping this quietly under wraps because I have the habit of getting way excited about something only to see it fizzle out and go nowhere. So this time I decided to see where it was going first, and then get way excited about it. See? I do learn... sometimes.

So, I'm taking the love plunge again.

Easy people... I'm trying a different approach this time. I'm actually just enjoying the journey rather than focusing on the end game. I know... new concept for me. But I have a few things that just might help out in this new endeavor.

1. Distance. Yes... I know. At first this seems like a handicap. However, this bit of distance prevents me from rushing into things too fast... I have my life here that I'm not giving up any time soon. Ditto for him there (there being about 4 hours away). It's a doable distance for a couple of weekends a month and he's just as willing to travel as I am. Plus I think if this ends up getting really serious, we'll figure out a way to close the distance... Not super worried about that.

2. We were friends first. This was something that Farmer and I had going for us that I really liked. True, it didn't translate too well to the relationship (i.e. things I love about him as a friend I really hated as a gf), but it was a good foundation to build on. Plus, Farmer and I were coming at things from very different points of view. That is not the case in this instance... thank goodness. Although I can appreciate "creative differences" as it were, being faced down with them every day does eventually get old. I am sure Farmer is nodding his head yes in agreement right now.

3. He has the traits of the ex's that I would have wanted to keep and (so far) none of the bad stuff (yes, yes... still in the honeymoon phase. We'll see how long that lasts). 

4. (and possibly the most important thing) My particular brand of crazy doesn't seem to bother him in the least. And let me just say... as a friend I told him things that I never would have told a potential bf for fear of frightening them off... and yet, he finds these things endearing (perhaps he was dropped on his head as a small child?). He kind of reminds me of Farmer that way. Oh... I'm pretty sure Farmer didn't find it endearing (probably far from) but he did handle it pretty well.

So, it's off on another new love adventure. I'm sure some of you are thinking that it is far too soon for me to be considering such a thing again... but one thing I have learned over the last few weeks, as Wildflower has been dealing with the loss of someone incredibly special to her, is this: life is far too short to worry about what other people are going to think about what you are doing. Period. When something great comes your way, you go with it. It may work out... it may not. But I would much rather say "at least I tried" instead of "I was too afraid to try".

So, Wulfe... welcome to the crazy that is my life. I'm looking forward to seeing where this ride takes us...

Pain in my ass is putting it mildly...

Hippie (aka my landlord) is starting to get on my nerves. I swear I need to start taping conversations to be played later to spark his memory on previous conversations. Or, maybe I just need to really not talk to him.... period. That plan of attack certainly would make my irritability level drop dramatically. It really is unfortunate that you can't slap stupid out of someone... I'd really like to give it a try.

When I first moved in, Hippie and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Him: Hey, I'd like to get paid on the 15th instead so I have money at the middle of the month.

Me: Are you sure? I don't care either way, but I have to juggle the rest of the bills to the 1st of the month instead if that's what you want to do.

Him: Yeah. That would be good.

Me: OK. The 15th it is (followed by me making all the necessary arrangements to pay everything on the 1st instead of the 15th... which entailed a lot of phone calls and a lot of really bad hold music).

So, here comes the first and he comes out and asks me when I am planning on giving him rent. He looks shocked and dismayed. I remind him that he said he wanted payment on the 15th instead. He again looks shocked and dismayed. So I'm not getting any money this weekend he asks. No... I already paid the bills and I can't do both. It's either bills or rent. And you said the 15th so the bills got it this time.

Needless to say I am a smidge annoyed. Make up your damn mind... It's either the 1st or the 15th. And I DON'T care which one... but you gotta pick one and stick with it.

From now on I'm getting stuff in writing...