The great divide...

4th of July is rapidly approaching... which is good and bad.

Last year was a fun 4th of July, spent with Farmer (who these days is completely MIA due to an overload of work and not enough cooperating weather) and Bff, who came up to visit when I was living there. We ate, drank and were merry. Good times were had by all... and I didn't feel bad that I wasn't home celebrating with the fam.

This year is a little different. This year the fam is in Sunriver to celebrate the 4th and to have a fam vacation. Those I hate to miss out on. Especially since there is a family-wide tennis tournament to decide who will lift the coveted (and dented) Venerable Vassal of Victory as winners of the tourny.

Unfortunately, my finances will not allow this little vacation, even though I get Monday off. And I feel even more divided from my family... which makes me sad. I hate being the only one that has to say I won't make it because I just can't afford the gas money to get there. But, I'm behind on some bills and the only way to catch up (and try to save for a move that will happen at some point) is to buckle down and not really spend any extraneous money.

There is a good side, though. Down here at the coast there is a 4th of July parade that anyone can be in. I'm going to dress up my horse and my dogs and be in the parade, I've decided. It doesn't cost me anything and it should be a lot of fun. Plus I have good company here and I'm sure it will be a very fun weekend... just like last weekend was.

I just wish it wasn't one or the other... I'd like to do both. Oh well, maybe next year...

He's just not that into you...

Watched this movie the other night. It was fascinating... and actually pretty dead-on accurate. At least as far as my limited experience goes.

Well... maybe "limited" isn't the best choice of words. I have been around the dating scene for a while now (both pre-marriage and post-divorce) so I guess I can offer a fairly educated opinion on this subject.

OK... moving on.

The gist of the movie is this: If a guy is into you, he'll let you know. Period. If he says "Hey, let's do this again" and then you never hear from him again, you know that he's just not that into you. It must be man-speak for "that was the most retched thing ever. I can't believe I lived through it" ... or something to that effect.

Bff encountered this the other day. She has been chatting via email with a guy. It seemed that there was a fair bit of interest on both sides. He mentioned getting together for coffee on a particular day. Bff said she would like that. He says he'll let her know more detail later, then proceeds to drop off the face of the earth until that day has come and gone. He then reappears after that and picks up as if nothing has transpired. What is that all about?

Look, men who read this blog, I'm going to give it to you straight. If you're interested, say so. If not, so be it but don't string people along. It's just rude.

Anyway, bottom line is this: Don't pursue after someone who just isn't that into you. Wisely for Bff, she kicked his ass in a game of online Scrabble and called it a day...

It's a jungle in there...

Today was like any other day. I got up. I got dressed. I walked the pups.

It was when I was headed for the shower that it got a little wild, you might say...

Last night it was a touch humid in the house, so I left the window to the bathroom open. The screen has a hole in it...  not huge, so I thought it wouldn't be a big deal.

When I arrived in my shower, I noticed that I was not alone. Behind the curtain was an arachnid... not the thing I want to see when I'm standing naked in my shower. I might have screamed and jumped around a bit... might. I rapidly exited stage left and immediately washed him down the drain. Sorry little spider, but I have no love for your kind. I hope you find a happier place somewhere down the line.

I then went to grab the shampoo and there was a moth clinging onto the bottle for dear life. I immediately dropped the bottle onto the shower floor dislodging the moth and depositing it into the shower... with me. Not really the kind of company I like to keep. Unfortunately, the moth was too big to go down the drain, so I grabbed a piece of paper and scooped up the moth, ran to the front door (still naked), made sure no one was looking, and quickly opened the door and deposited the moth outside.

Nice of me to do, I know.

I then hightailed it back to the shower (still naked) and jumped back in. I proceeded to wash my hair and myself. Just as I was finishing up, out from behind the shower curtain wanders a pill (or potato) bug. What the hell? Can I not enjoy my shower in peace? And before I could grab him he got swept down the drain with the spider.

Oh well, maybe they will find solace in one another's company down at the end of the line...

Um... how do I word this?

I have a friend who I need to have a chat with. I'm just not sure how to approach this chat we need to have.

He's in a bad place and I don't want to kick someone while they are down, but he has advanced past the needy stage and has morphed into a stage-5 clinger. So how to tell him to back off a bit without destroying what little ego the poor guy has left?

You know, tact has never been by forté. But after the last text exchage we had I need to do something soon... it went something like:
Him: Morning angel
(I hate this nick-name he's given me... annoys the piss out of me. To me this is a term of endearment that you use for someone you're intimate with)
Me: morning
Him: How are/have you been?
Me: Busy
Him: Any luck on looking for a new place?
Me: No time to really look. Been working crazy hours...
Him: Anything I can do to help, you only have to swallow your pride and ask.

EXCUSE ME? First of all, he is in no position to help anyone out. He can't even get his own crap together, let alone help someone else out with theirs. Secondly, he doesn't know me well enough to know whether or not I'm being prideful. This just completely rubbed me the wrong way... annoying to the nth degree.

And, of course, me being me I wonder if I annoy any of my friends like this? Oh man, I hope not... I would feel bad if any of my friends avoided me because I was annoying the hell out of them. I don't think this is the case... but who knows?

Anyway, it's not going to be an easy conversation. But it is one that needs to happen... and soon.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

It has been brought to my attention that I keep harping on the same faults of ex-hub. And this is true... I do. I'm still frustrated over some things that have gone on between us. However, this has caused me to reflect on my own culpability. No one person is ever the single cause of a break-up... and I have some serious 'fessing up to do.

As previously mentioned, my management of 'ships needs some work. Friendship, great. Relationship... not so much. Again, I ask why. Again, I have no answer to that question. But it needs work. I need to basically be able to have a friends with benefits type of scenario... but monogamous. At least, that's how I need to approach it in my mind.

Yeah, I'll work on that...

Secondly, I need to not be so reactionary. Every little nuance does not need to be studied ad nauseum for the hidden meaning behind it. Perhaps "I'm fine" means just that... he's fine. Again, not an easy thing for me but it does tie into the first problem. I don't do that with my friends... just my relations... go figure.

I think my last major hang-up is my self-confidence. Slowly, but surely, it's coming back. Being here alone at the coast has gone a long way to helping out with that. I just need to keep working on the positive and let the negative go. Period.

You know, past is past and all that...

These... er, flip-flops... were made for walkin'...

It was a beautiful day here at the coast, so I decided to take the pups down to the beach for a walk and try to catch the sunset...

There was very little wind, the sun was shining and the sand was so warm on my feet. It was blissful...

So I decided to work on the pups posing prowess (the PPP)...

Ok, mom... look how nice we're sitting. And we're both smiling too!!

Sunset just beginning... 

Overlooking the ocean as the sun sets... 

Now I'm off to bed... 

I don't think this is all in my head...

But it might be.

Lately it's been hard to be around the family. Normally that is not the case, but lately I feel more and more like the odd man out.

I guess now those are the times that I miss being married. All my other sibs are either married or in relationships... I am neither. Not only that, but I am the one who is struggling the worst financially. I know, rationally, that doesn't really matter... but it kinda does. Kinda.

Maybe I just need sleep. It was a long, stressful week and that might be part of the problem.

I did have a great ride on the beach Saturday morning, and that helped a lot.

Why are we stopping? Let's get going mom... 

Guess we shall see how I feel in the morning...

We haven't had any to time talk...

And there's no time now.

Sorry I've been neglecting you but I've been slammed at work this past week. I will try to catch you all up over the weekend and post the 4 or so entries I've been pecking away at...

TGIF... happy friday to you all!!

Good news/Bad news...

The good news: the hay is stacked in the barn.

The bad news: everything else.

Went to pick up hay tonight. This time the place I bought it from loaded it for me... Yay!! By the time I got back to the coast it was raining and starting to get dark. I had a trailer full of hay and needed to get it stacked in the little barn where I board Flash.

So I start to pull bales down and begin stacking them. I've stacked the first row and am pulling down the second row when I hook my heel and fall backwards out of the trailer. The middle of my back hits the edge of the trailer, knocking the wind out of me. My head hits a rock on the ground. I bang up my wrist that gets stuck at a weird angle underneath me. And then the 4 bales I was trying to pull down fall on top of me.

I'm sure it actually looked pretty funny. I might actually have chuckled at the sight if I had been able to breathe. I probably looked like a turtle on it's back with my limbs flailing trying to get the bales of hay off of me...

It hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. Still does...

Breathing is proving to be a little on the difficult side at this point... but nothing is broken (that I can tell). And I did push through and get it all stacked.

We'll have to see how I feel in the morning. I think I'm going to be pretty sore...

Hello Murphy...

I've been waiting for you... And now I'd just like to kick you in the teeth. M'kay?

I know they say that bad things happen in threes. This is why I personally am a fan of the number 2... not 3. And I think this morning I reached my number 3...

This morning my crazy, pot-smoking landlord (from now on known as CPSL) informed me that because he is unable to pay his bills that he will be raising my rent... which he can do because I am on a month-to-month lease. I informed CPSL thanks, but no thanks. I'll be leaving at the end of July. This is the one time that paying first and last will come in handy, methinks...

So, the grueling task of finding a new home has begun.

Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it...

Crystal...

You know when you have that moment of clarity? You know the one...

The one where you are talking with someone and you say something that really means nothing and then you actually hear what you just said and all of a sudden you have that moment...

The one where there is so much baggage attached to it and now you've opened that can of worms... again. Yeah, that moment.

I hate those moments.

Hate is a strong word...

But I'm willing to go out on a limb with this one.

OK, folks. I'm warning you right now... this entry is about girlie stuff, so if you don't want to know, just skip this one right now.

For those of you still here... well, you might regret that decision in a minute.

So, every month I have to deal with "that time of the month" (from here on out known as THE CURSE) and all that THE CURSE entails... mainly, cramps. And lots of them.

I have been dealing with this since I was in my teens, so you'd think I'd be used to this by now... after all I have been doing this for 21 years. Which, by the way, is 252 months roughly. After over 200 times I think I have reached the expert level of THE CURSE... although there was that 5 year stretch (before BC caused me to jump on the crazy train) that I was on depo-provera and it was heaven. No cramps... no nothing. Fabulous!!

Anyway, this month was no exception... except that it was the exception. On any given month I have cramps, sometimes get sick but once the pain meds kick in, I'm good to go... usually.

Not this month... nooooooo. Couldn't just be simple. Had to be difficult. And really damn painful. I haven't had one like that in years... over 10 if I had to guess. It was if a small alien was trying to claw it's way out of my uterus. With a spoon. And dull knife. And possibly had a few friends in there helping him. I had pain in my hips, in my back, down my legs, in my knees for cryin' out loud. There was a time there for a while that if someone had walked up and put a gun to my head I would have helped them pull the trigger.

And the usually good-to-go pain meds? Yeah, not making a dent. At. All. Nothing...

I seriously thought I was dying for about 6 hours there. Or wanted to die. Either way...

I am getting to that age where I am seriously considering just having it all taken out. At this point I really don't think I want to go through an actual pregnancy... not when I can adopt and have someone else do the heavy lifting for me...

And I seriously hate those internal organs... the ovaries and uterus are no friends of mine.