Double-edged sword...

When I started this blog I was using it as a way to put out there the crazy that goes on in my head so I didn't have to listen to it anymore. Seemed like a good idea. Plus it might help someone else out along the way. I know sometimes I feel like I am the only person who feels this way. It's always nice to know that you are not alone.

Anyway, I try to write without any censor. Whatever comes to my head goes on the page. End of story. And it's nice to put any ol' feeling down and come back later and examine what I was thinking at any given time. But it has become a double-edged sword...

Let's take yesterday, for instance. Apparently Farmer wasn't feeling well. He knew he wasn't feeling well because later in the day he told me that he could have told me Saturday that he wouldn't be feeling that great on Sunday. However, when I asked him if he was OK, I got the stock answer of "I'm fine". So, I figured he was, indeed, fine. But he was kind of snappy and not super talkative. Both of which I pointed out to him... but he was still "fine". So, now I'm wondering if it's just me he has an issue with. And then I immediately become paranoid that I'm somehow having a relapse of BC craziness. And I'm also afraid to blog about it because I don't want to come across paranoid (even here) and have him think we're going back in time.

For the most part I am a sane person. When I ask him what he's doing or where he's going it's because I mostly just want to be included... not because I think he's doing something he shouldn't. But I now feel like I'm possibly displaying paranoia by asking. I am now paranoid of being paranoid. I want him to relax and be himself. I know he's still on guard because of earlier episodes associated with the BC and is waiting for the "real" me to come out and play again. I've tried to explain that the "real" me is now here but I'm not sure he's buying it.

Anyway, so now I have this issue... Like I want to write about the little nagging voice and what it says, but I don't want Farmer thinking I've gone back to the dark side. See? I'm obsessing about it. Most likely because I haven't been writing about it. So, I am now going to turn this blog over to my inner voice. Fasten your seat belts everyone... it's going to be a bumpy ride.

And I'll begin with yesterday. So, what about Farmer's actions yesterday were such a big deal? Big deal is the wrong word. But it was frustrating. I want to know how he is and how he's feeling... otherwise I just wouldn't give a shit and I wouldn't ask. I mean I tell him (for the most part) every little thing that is going on with me. I would like some reciprocation. Is that too much to ask? He said he took the question to mean was everything fine with us. OK... I guess we have a mars/venus thing going but, seriously! I will ask about us by asking hey is everything OK with us. However, if I ask if he's OK, what I'm really asking (hold on folks) is if HE is OK. I know... tough concept to grasp.

So we kind of get through that little discussion and he starts saying some shit like he needs to make adjustments to fit my needs. Now, I get the fact that there is a certain amount of compromise that happens when 2 independent people try to combine their lives. And for him it's probably even more of an adjustment because he has never done the live-in thing before. But back up the truck a minute... don't do something just because it's what you think I want. Dear lord! I can not deal with that again. I completely ruined EJ because he was trying to be what he thought I wanted him to be. It was disaster. I ran over the top of him and then backed up and did it again... it was NOT pretty.

I tried to explain this... not sure if I was getting through or not. Sometimes I feel like I need a man/woman translator to get him to understand what I'm trying to say. Yes, I'd like to hear what is going on with him. I would like to feel like there are 2 people inputting into this relationship. I, also, am aware of the fact that he would never think about ANY of this if I weren't around. I know that men are not the types to sit around and dither over these kinds of things. But, when I ask him what he wants from the relationship and I get nothing but a blank stare... Really? No opinion on this whatsoever? And here is where my worry of running things over rears its ugly head. Because EJ didn't have a clue as to what he wanted either. Did I mention what a mess I made out of that one?

Am I paranoid? Maybe. Is this the BC crazy talking? Nope. This one is all me. How can 2 people figure out where they are going if one person in the relationship doesn't have a clue as to where he wants it to go? With just me driving we are guaranteed to go into the ditch. So, the bottom line is... I am afraid. Am I consumed with it? No. But it's there in the back of my mind.

And now it is here.

So my hope is that if it's here, it will no longer be there...

Mixed bag...

Blah is the word of the day. I'm tired. Farmer isn't feeling well... There is no motivation anywhere in sight.

Lots of changes... lots of new things to adjust to. This schedule is not very friendly. Just when you are feeling like you might be heading over the hill to restfulness and recovery, instead of another day off you're heading back to work. I know it doesn't sound like it should be a big deal... but it's kicking my ass at this point.

But don't get me wrong. I am very grateful to have a job. It's just an adjustment.

It seems life has settled into a bit of a routine, so that should help. I think the fact that I'm not home constantly has taken the pressure off of Farmer. I think he was struggling to find that balance between work and me, and I don't want him to feel like he has to choose. Problem solved... right now I'm not home much. I wonder if that will eventually become an issue. Let me just say that if a job with decent pay and a friendlier schedule comes along I'm going to take a hard look.

I'm feeling like not having 2 days off in a row is kind of a problem. I'm too tired to really do anything and I feel like other things are going to the wayside a bit. For instance... I really wanted to ride today. Instead I'm laying in bed writing. I'm just too damn tired at this point to get out there and do it. I'm thinking that maybe I need to try to ride on the days that I'm off early. At least when I'm coming off of work (at 5pm... not 7pm) I feel like I've got a bit of energy left. Tomorrow is one of those days, so we'll see how I'm feeling when I get off.

Sold...

It was a crazy day at work yesterday. Many ups and downs.... drama, galore. Welcome to the business of car sales. One day you can be picking your nose and hoping that you make it through the day without a nap. The next you're running around like a chicken with your head cut off hoping that you get it all done and make some money doing it. Crazy stuff...

So, the day started off pretty much how the rest of the week went. Not much going on. Then... shit hit the fan. A customer called in looking for a car and wanted to know if we had that make and model. We did. She was ready to buy over the phone and have it shipped to her. As I was wrapping up the paperwork she happened to ask if it was a 4x4. It was not. Deal busted... and I was so sad. That was going to be my first.

Then the boss-man starts sending out inventory to the other store. He happens to send out a van that I had a couple coming in to look at. When they arrive, boss gets on the phone and tells the person delivering the van to the other store to turn around and bring it back. In the mean-time I start pre-qualifying these people so we're ready to rock and roll when the van finally arrives. At first they were thinking about trading in their other van on the cash-for-clunkers deal (from here on out referred to as cfc). We run all the numbers and get it set up. Then they decide they're going to keep their van and just put more money down. They want to know how much they need to put down in order to keep their payment around $300. So I go ask the boss. He says, try $10,000 to start. So I walk over and say... $10,000 ought to do it. They say to me... who do we make the check out to? It was all I could do to not giggle with glee. Instead I kept my "business as usual" game face on. Or what I image that face looks like...

So, the couple who wanted the van patiently waited for almost an hour and a half until the van reappeared. They took it for a test drive and loved it. Now, at the same time this was happening all of the other sales guys (3 of them) were in the midst of sales themselves. So, when we got back from the demo we were 4th in line to get them in with the financial guy and get the paperwork done. The couple first arrived at around 4:15pm. At this time it's around 6:45pm. Luckily for us, there is a restaurant right next door. I tell them to go get dinner and that I'd come and get them if we needed them for anything.

So, now it's 7:45pm and we're still waiting for our turn with the finance guy (I was off at 7pm). At 8:10pm we finally get them in and signing paperwork. At 9:05pm I see them out the door and they drive off in their brand new van... happy as can be.

And I just made a bunch of money. What a rush...

All told, I made just under $100 an hour for my day. Not bad... not bad at all.

New or used car anyone?

Well... it's officially my second week at work. The first week was quite the experience... Let me just say that selling cars is not for everyone.

The best thing I can think of to describe my working environment is a boy's locker room. I had no idea that men gossiped so much. They'll talk about almost anything or anyone. Quite the eye-opener... I have now seen and heard about things that I never knew existed (nor did I want to know, for that matter). I would give you examples, but there is just no way to describe these things without providing brain bleach and counseling... seriously.

It's a good thing, as well, that I have no problem just being tossed out there to fend for myself. Training has been scarce at this point in the operation. I basically go out there and do it like I think I should be and then I listen to all the things I did wrong and what to do when that situation comes along next time. I would like to point out that those things would have been nice to know in the first place, but it's like talking to a wall... what's the point?

However, if I can get the hang of it I think it's something that I'll actually enjoy and eventually even be good at. So far I haven't managed to close a deal... but not for lack of trying. I mean, it's not my fault that someone with crappy credit thinks that $750/month payment for a new 1-ton truck is unreasonable. Not much I can do about that...

The good news is that there is guaranteed monthly pay with commission thrown on top. For that I'm willing to stick it out and see how it goes...

No regrets...

Bff posed an interesting question to me last night. She was wondering if I had regrets on how things went with the Biologist in light of finding out how paranoid and crazy the BC was making me. An interesting question, indeed...

I think, perhaps that we probably would have lasted longer and perhaps even made it out on our long ride... but the Biologist was not made for monogamy. Plain and simple. I know for a fact he cheated on me and that is a big no-no. I don't like sharing. End of story.

So, even though the journey might have been different for us, the story still would have ended the same way.

The bottom line is... I am very happy where I am and who I am with. I'm hoping there is a "happily ever after" at the end of this story.

No mas...

So, Farmer and I have been having a really good week together. Things were back to normal (for us) and clicking along just fine.

Then I started back up on BC again. I had taken it 2 days when all of a sudden I was in weird, freak out mode again. So... that's it. I'm heading to the doctor to figure out some other method of BC. I can't take the chemical imbalance that this shit puts me in.

Farmer, I'm sure, is heaving a huge sigh of relief.

Right now I'm on some generic monophasic pill. It'll be interesting to see what I end up on instead.

Click...

As most of you know, I have been literally pounding the pavement for a job. On Friday I actually drove around town looking for help wanted signs. That's how desperate I was getting.

Yesterday after harassing Farmer (yet again) I decided to come inside and check out the internet and newspapers to see if anything new had popped up. And a few things had. There was a job as a bartender and a local car dealership was looking for a salesperson.

Now, I have tended bar before... that is how I got myself through college. And it was good money but super crappy hours. While everyone else is out partying on a Saturday night, you're working because Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights are when the money and tips come in. Tending bar was kinda down my list of things to do because with Farmer getting up at 4am and me coming home at 4am, we'd be like ships passing in the night. However, I was willing to do it because I needed a job. ANY job. So, I went down to the bar and filled out an application. There were 2 other people filling out aps at the same time... *sigh*

I also decided that the sales thing might work out as well. They were offering a base plus commission (so no pressure) and it's only about 20 minutes away from the house. Because there is no traffic here, I can live with that. So I gathered up my newly revised resume and headed out to the dealership where I was to ask for Brandon or Mike.

I found Mike. He was busy wrapping up a sale so I had a seat and decided to wait it out. After all, I wanted to make a good impression. After 20 minutes or so, Mike came over to chit-chat with me. And I mean, literally chit-chat. The only pertinent thing he asked me is why I thought I could sell cars. My answer? Because I can walk up to anyone and start up a conversation (thank you dad). After that it was all just random life stuff. Where you from? What do you like to do? Blah, blah, blah. After Mike, another guy came over to chat with me. I didn't catch his name but it was more of the same. No real questions, just... chatting. After that it was the general manager. He did ask me if I had any sales background (yes). And then we were on to the store owner. Same thing. No real questions... just chatting.

And then he dropped a bombshell. He looked me in the eye and told me "What the hell... I think I'll give you a shot. When can you start?"

I about fell out of my chair. I mean I hadn't even handed over my resume yet. I asked him if he wanted to see it but he said no. Just based on talking to me he thought I could do really well as a salesperson. There are not many women who do this apparently, and the ones that do usually make very good money.

So finally I am employed!! I can't tell you the huge weight that this has lifted off my shoulders. I literally felt the universe click back into place and everything return to normal. It's been a rough few weeks, but I feel like if we can weather this that we'll be OK in the long run.

As my granny always says: This life, it ain't for sissies...