Monday, August 17, 2009

Double-edged sword...

When I started this blog I was using it as a way to put out there the crazy that goes on in my head so I didn't have to listen to it anymore. Seemed like a good idea. Plus it might help someone else out along the way. I know sometimes I feel like I am the only person who feels this way. It's always nice to know that you are not alone.

Anyway, I try to write without any censor. Whatever comes to my head goes on the page. End of story. And it's nice to put any ol' feeling down and come back later and examine what I was thinking at any given time. But it has become a double-edged sword...

Let's take yesterday, for instance. Apparently Farmer wasn't feeling well. He knew he wasn't feeling well because later in the day he told me that he could have told me Saturday that he wouldn't be feeling that great on Sunday. However, when I asked him if he was OK, I got the stock answer of "I'm fine". So, I figured he was, indeed, fine. But he was kind of snappy and not super talkative. Both of which I pointed out to him... but he was still "fine". So, now I'm wondering if it's just me he has an issue with. And then I immediately become paranoid that I'm somehow having a relapse of BC craziness. And I'm also afraid to blog about it because I don't want to come across paranoid (even here) and have him think we're going back in time.

For the most part I am a sane person. When I ask him what he's doing or where he's going it's because I mostly just want to be included... not because I think he's doing something he shouldn't. But I now feel like I'm possibly displaying paranoia by asking. I am now paranoid of being paranoid. I want him to relax and be himself. I know he's still on guard because of earlier episodes associated with the BC and is waiting for the "real" me to come out and play again. I've tried to explain that the "real" me is now here but I'm not sure he's buying it.

Anyway, so now I have this issue... Like I want to write about the little nagging voice and what it says, but I don't want Farmer thinking I've gone back to the dark side. See? I'm obsessing about it. Most likely because I haven't been writing about it. So, I am now going to turn this blog over to my inner voice. Fasten your seat belts everyone... it's going to be a bumpy ride.

And I'll begin with yesterday. So, what about Farmer's actions yesterday were such a big deal? Big deal is the wrong word. But it was frustrating. I want to know how he is and how he's feeling... otherwise I just wouldn't give a shit and I wouldn't ask. I mean I tell him (for the most part) every little thing that is going on with me. I would like some reciprocation. Is that too much to ask? He said he took the question to mean was everything fine with us. OK... I guess we have a mars/venus thing going but, seriously! I will ask about us by asking hey is everything OK with us. However, if I ask if he's OK, what I'm really asking (hold on folks) is if HE is OK. I know... tough concept to grasp.

So we kind of get through that little discussion and he starts saying some shit like he needs to make adjustments to fit my needs. Now, I get the fact that there is a certain amount of compromise that happens when 2 independent people try to combine their lives. And for him it's probably even more of an adjustment because he has never done the live-in thing before. But back up the truck a minute... don't do something just because it's what you think I want. Dear lord! I can not deal with that again. I completely ruined EJ because he was trying to be what he thought I wanted him to be. It was disaster. I ran over the top of him and then backed up and did it again... it was NOT pretty.

I tried to explain this... not sure if I was getting through or not. Sometimes I feel like I need a man/woman translator to get him to understand what I'm trying to say. Yes, I'd like to hear what is going on with him. I would like to feel like there are 2 people inputting into this relationship. I, also, am aware of the fact that he would never think about ANY of this if I weren't around. I know that men are not the types to sit around and dither over these kinds of things. But, when I ask him what he wants from the relationship and I get nothing but a blank stare... Really? No opinion on this whatsoever? And here is where my worry of running things over rears its ugly head. Because EJ didn't have a clue as to what he wanted either. Did I mention what a mess I made out of that one?

Am I paranoid? Maybe. Is this the BC crazy talking? Nope. This one is all me. How can 2 people figure out where they are going if one person in the relationship doesn't have a clue as to where he wants it to go? With just me driving we are guaranteed to go into the ditch. So, the bottom line is... I am afraid. Am I consumed with it? No. But it's there in the back of my mind.

And now it is here.

So my hope is that if it's here, it will no longer be there...


  1. you have a real name popping through perhaps? :)

  2. Just initials of the "real" person. Does that count?