TMBH...

(too much brutal honesty)

Don't get me wrong... I'm all for honesty. It has not been high on my priority list in years gone by, but I have tried to change that. And, no, I don't think anyone is ever 100% honest. There are times when you should just keep that thought to yourself. Brutal honesty is just that... brutal.

Which brings me to the sad tale of the last few days...

So, last week I worked an incredibly looooong week. The PITA special section was due out again and, of course the publisher did not have her act together so I was working very long days trying to get everything done. I think I topped out over 60 hours last week. Like I said... looooong week.

So Wulfe made the trek down to the coast.

On the trip down we chit-chat on the phone for a bit and I mention how stinkin' tired I am. He then proceeds to tell me how rough he's had it. I will grant him that the work situation with his co-worker (who continues to make his life hell) sucks... but he had just worked a standard week and had a massage (so jealous). How bad can it really be? Plus, I've done that drive too and, yes, it's long but not that bad.

I guess it felt like he was trying to 1-up me... either that, or he was doing me a big favor by heading down to the coast. Either way, it kinda pissed me off. He was leaving work at 4:30 while I was staying until midnight. Plus he had just had a massage... my back is just as sucky but there is no way I can afford that. I was not a happy camper.

When he arrived I tried to explain my frustration, but I wasn't getting through. Mostly he was just getting upset... so I backed off and apologized for being cranky. The weekend was very low-key and nice. We spent most of the weekend curled up together watching movies. By the time he left Sunday I was starting to feel human again, and it had been a great weekend together.

So then comes Tuesday... *shudders*

The Biologist had popped up again... this time stating that yes, he did in fact cheat on me while we were together. I was completely caught off guard by this statement. Not the fact that he had cheated... I had always suspected that. But because of the randomness of it. Plus he didn't state why he had cheated. And my feline personality really wanted to know why. So when I hear this I text Bff and let her know... she's just like "whatever... he's an idiot". And then I call Wulfe to just chit-chat and let him know about it. And why we're discussing it I bring up the fact that it would be good to know why. And then I say (something to the effect of) well, I hope it wasn't our sex life. Not sure I could deal with knowing that. (Caveat: after all the things that went down with ex-hub it is a very sore subject with me) and Wulfe is just kind of silent on the matter.

I had expected him to say something to the effect of: "no, babe, ours is great... and if he does think that, then he's crazy". I'm just paraphrasing here, but instead it was kinda like "huh". All of a sudden I'm on high alert. I say what... you aren't satisfied? Boy, wrong thing to ask I guess. I thought I knew the answer to that question... I was sadly mistaken...

Yeah, he's satisfied, but has concerns. Concerns? What concerns? There are concerns? Oh shit.

At this point I am beyond high alert and somewhere in the neighborhood of full-blown panic. After all, this is news to me. Right up until that very moment if someone had asked me how our sex life was I would have said it's just great for both of us. We are both so happy. I had heard nothing but good things. Where was this coming from?

So we start to discuss said concerns. Well, perhaps discuss isn't quite the right word. But it was getting talked about, vehemently... let's just say that. His big concern? That we're falling into patterns and he's worried we'll get stuck in a rut. OK.... um.... huh? So, if that is a concern than switch it up a little. I'm fine with things the way they are, but I'm up for whatever. And he knows this... so why is this a concern again?

And then the conversation starts to morph and grow... and it gets nasty for a while. My feelings are trashed... I'm sure he feels like his feelings were trashed. It got into the realm of "well, when I do this I do it for such-and-such amount of time and when you do that you only do it for this amount of time".

Holy crap... seriously? My policy is this: if you like doing it, then do it. If you are doing a specific thing only to get another specific thing in return... don't bother. Seriously. Don't. I had to deal with that whole tit-for-tat mentality with ex-hub. I am not going there again. And at that point I was seeing red.

Eventually we both calmed down and started to make amends. We left the conversation in a difficult but good place, I thought. Huh... whaddya know. Wrong again...

After such a difficult conversation I wanted to let him know that I still cared... very much. So I texted him that a little later that night.

No response that night.

No response the next morning when I get up.

No response when I get to work and get online. Not only that, but he doesn't say word one to me via chat. The only time we haven't talked on chat is when we broke up the first time. And after I made the effort to bridge the gap the night before with no response in site, I refused to be the one to hit him up on chat.

Finally much, much later in the morning I get a return text: me too, it says. Yup, 2 words. Nothing more. And now he's totally logged off facebook. Not good.

I decide to leave it be and chalk it up to the fact that there is something going down at work (because these days, there always is). So, when I finish my project I text him that I'm done and mention that he's not online. I'm not? he says. Well, I will be after lunch. So we chat for a little bit there. Nothing of consequence. Him telling me about what's going on at work. Then silence again. I leave early and tell him I'll talk to him later and that, again, I really care. I do get a text later saying he was sorry he was gone so long. I respond that I hope he has a better day... and then nothing. He was online last night, but he didn't bother to hit me up on chat. No text good-night. No phone call. And since I had reached out to him twice trying to bridge the gap I wasn't going to put myself out there again.

And still it's radio silence this morning. So disappointing...

Apparently he only believes in communicating when it's convenient... or something. It's a shame... I was really looking forward to next weekend. We both took a few days off to spend a block of time together. Oh well...

*sigh*

It will be very interesting to see what happens when I get to work today. I can tell you this much, I'm not making the first move. I did that twice to no avail. It's his turn...

The magic of equine...

Equine is the fancy word for horse, FYI... or maybe equine is horses and equus is horse... I forget...

Anywho...

It was another beautiful day yesterday and I'll be gone this weekend (heading up to see Wulfe), so Flash and I (and the pups, of course) went back out to the beach yesterday. But before I could saddle up and ride I had to find my horse underneath all of the mud he had so kindly deposited upon his hairy body...

The mud makes me look ruggedly handsome, mom... 

 

After what seemed like 3 hours and 2 very sore shoulders later, I had found my horse...

I suppose you're right... I am better looking without the mud...

 

So we saddled up and off we went. And what a difference a day makes.

So on Wednesday when we were strolling through the neighborhoods there really wasn't a soul in sight. Yesterday there were people out and about pretty much on every corner. And of course everyone wants to come up and pet the "horsey"... Flash is small enough that he's not intimidating. And you hear the funniest things as people stand there petting your equine (or equus... or whatever).

One gentleman told me what a beautiful Quarter Horse I had. I informed him that Flash was, in actuality, an Arabian. Of course, he said. I used to have both, he said. I thought maybe he was a mix of some sort, he said. Now Flash looks nothing like a QH. He's got the dished head, no butt and is approximately as wide as a fence rail... but I just nodded and smiled (tried not to laugh).... and continued on my journey.

As I was exiting the beach, I had a guy come up and chit-chat with me about the pros and cons of horse-ownership. I could tell the guy didn't know one thing about horses, but for some reason he seemed compelled to talk to me about it. Again, I just nodded and smiled and continued on my way.

I did have one nice gentleman, who actually did know something about horses, offer a strip of side road along his house for parking the truck and trailer if things got crowded at the main parking lot. I thought that was nice... and I'll probably take him up on it. It's way closer to the beach access and I don't have to navigate the one busy road with the horse and the dogs. So that was cool.

All in all, it was a great ride. I can't wait to do it again...

Now that's more like it...

It was a beautiful day here at the coast today. I decided that after working two very long days to leave early and take Flash for another spin on the beach.

Our first attempt at beach-riding bliss was not what I would call a roaring success. But it wasn't bad considering it was his first time... So I decided it was time to give it another go.

I ran home, grabbed the dogs, grabbed the truck and trailer and grabbed the horse (after chasing him down... he apparently didn't feel like going anywhere today). We arrived at the parking lot, saddled up and headed out. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful stroll through the neighborhood leading to the beach.

We then get out onto the sand. Flash doesn't even hesitate this time around. So far, so good. We start to walk down the beach... then we start to trot. He doesn't even stop to look at the shells this time around... success! We just keep trotting down the beach. And pretty soon he's picking up the pace and really moving out.

Look at all that open space mom... let's go!!

And go we did. We galloped... down the beach... wind in our hair... effortlessly (for the most part)... just like I imagined... it was AWESOME!!

I decided that since things were going so well that maybe we would attempt to dip our toes in the water while we were at it... 

Umyahno... This is as close as I get...

Well, it was worth a try...

Stand still, dammit...

As you know, I love my job. Which is a good thing because they pay me squat. I'm pretty sure that my hourly wage barely qualifies as a "living wage". By the time they take taxes out I barely have enough left over to buy a loaf of bread.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I need to downsize my herd of equine. I've decided to keep Elmo because if I don't I'm pretty sure that his attitude (and huge scar) will land him on a slaughter-bound truck at some point.

Flash is a no-brainer... he's never for sale (even though some lady once offered me $10,000 for him and ex-hub almost had a heart attack when I told him I turned it down).

So that leaves Aspen. She is a nice mare that has a lot of years left in her. And even though I hate to see her go, I can't afford to keep her. Period. End of story.

So this weekend I made the trek down to Farmer's place to spruce her up and get some photos and video. The trek was way longer then I remember it. It just kept going and going and going... and going. Finally I arrived... Hooray!! and promptly collapsed on Farmer's couch with serious cramps. Man, I hate that time of the month. And poor Farmer had to deal with me all crazy yet again. At least it was "natural" crazy and not BC induced crazy... there is a difference. Plus he has lots of experience dealing with me in that state... so he was fine. I'm sure his twitching will settle down any day now...

So, later that weekend I eventually peeled myself off the couch and got with the program. I went out and caught Aspen and brought her in to the round pen. She's a mess, of course. Her normally beautiful mane looks like something a bird has been roosting in all winter. It's a mess. Her tail isn't bad, but needed help. And the rest of her was just really dusty, which is not what you want to see when you have a black horse. And because I haven't really handled her all winter she won't stand still. I've seen 2-year-olds with less ADD. She was all over the place. I finally threw her in the round pen and made her work some of that excess energy off. That made a huge difference.

I got her all cleaned up and then started to take pictures. Let me just say that the delay on my camera was not helping things. I would have the perfect shot all lined up and by the time my camera finally took the picture it was of the back of her head or her butt that she had turned my way.

I don't want to look at the camera....

 

452 pictures later I finally get a few that I feel I can use. Success!!

Fine... I'll pose. But hurry up please... 

So got that done and enjoyed hanging with Farmer for a few days. He now informs me that I have left some laundry behind so I'll have to make the trek there again sometime in the near future. 

I'll try to make sure it's not when I'm on the crazy train. Oh, the horror...

To blog or not to blog... that is the question...

In looking back on what I've written, I sometimes wonder whether this blog has been a benefit or a detriment...

Benefit: because for the most part I feel like I'm not alone in this struggle and it has been nice to hear comments from those of you who are going through the same things...

Detriment: because sometimes what I write causes more problems than it tends to solve.

So the question then becomes... to blog or not to blog? I feel like I want to be able to write whatever is on my mind without having to censure myself... after all, if I'm having to take everyone else's feelings into account and type around on eggshells then what is the point? This is supposed to be the place where I can get stuff off my mind... good or bad.

So I guess it's time to compromise yet again... I will continue to write what I want to write about, but there are some subjects that seem to upset people that I will be leaving off of this public forum. Don't worry... I'll still be putting it out there... just not quite as much detail on certain things. I love having a place to "spill my guts" so-to-speak, but not at the risk of upsetting people who are dear to me.

Also, I'll be picking up the pace... I've been slacking off because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do about this particular subject. Problem is solved and I'll be going back to posting on a regular basis. Thank you for sticking with me...

Hay, I curse thee...

Let's see... Flash is now 12, so I have been a horse owner since 1999. August 15, 1999 to be exact. And the whole time I have been said owner of said horse, the cursed beast has had to eat. Funny how that works. But in order for them to be happy equine, they must have full bellies. For lots of stories about asshats that do not feed their horses and get rudely outed in a very public forum, swing on over to Fugly Horse of the Day. It's an eye-opener. Anyway, I personally do not want to end up featured there so I continue to feed my beasts. Some days, though... (shakes her fist in the general easterly direction of Elmo)

Who me?

The original plan was to buy from a guy fairly local that had good hay in big 1/2 ton bales. I was going to buy 2 and put them out in the pasture, 1 at a time, for Flash and Bella to feed off as they desire. For most horses this is not a good plan, because they get super fat and can founder. However, Flash and Bella are both high-strung arabs and can be tough to keep weight on (although Farmer assures me he can have Flash on the verge of founder in no time... I'll keep that in mind).

I was supposed to pick up these 2 bales last week. Every time I called he was either busy or not picking up the phone. In the meantime, the hay I had brought with me when I moved Flash was dwindling rapidly... darn horses and their daily desire to eat!!

Friday rolled around and the guy called me and told me he was out. Ah, crap. The mad scramble began to find another source. I finally found a place about 35 miles NE that had good hay for sale at a very reasonable price ($90/ton) and made an appointment to go out and pick it up yesterday. I was going to leave work a little early so I could be unloading in the light rather than the dark. 

Well, yesterday I get a phone call at about noon. It is the farm lady telling me that her loaders are not available today and can I come back Saturday. Um, no... I can't. The last of the hay was fed the previous night. I need it now. Ok, she says... guess you'll just have to load it yourself. Right after that BO (Bella's owner) calls and says he can't help unload unless I'm there at 4pm. Ah, crap. 

So I decide to leave a little earlier than planned. I jump in the truck, get to the farm and begin to load the hay. The little old lady did knock part 0f the stack over with her extremely rusty tractor, at least. I wasn't looking forward to scaling the stack... it was looking pretty unstable. 

So I begin to load. At first the bales don't feel that heavy. By the end, it's all I can do to get them in the trailer. At that point I am sweating so badly that the hay is sticking to me... which, of course, is making me itch. I hop in my truck and proceed to pull out. Ah, crap. I'm stuck. I get back out and lock my hubs so I can use my 4-wheel drive. Success!! I am free... and headed back to the coast. 

As I'm heading back over the coast range it begins to snow. Seriously? It's like a day away from April and it's snowing? Ah, crap. Luckily, it wasn't sticking anywhere but at the very tippy-tops of the mountains. 

So I make it back to the pasture and BO is there. Hooray!! Only he then informs me that he has moved some equipment so I can get into the shed through the back way and that he's now leaving to go meet with his accountant. Ah, crap. So, I unload and stack... alone... 

As I'm unloading, the rain stops, the wind stops and the sun comes out. And I start sweating even more... which, of course, means that more hay is sticking to me. Man it is a lot of work loading and unloading this crap. But I get it done... Hooray!!

Then I get home and it is still bright and sunshiny and the dogs are going crazy. They haven't been out for a walk in a few days because I've been under the weather. So, I figure what the hell... and off we go for a walk. 

Thanks mom. See what a good dog I am?

This morning the only body part moving without much pain is my fingertips. The rest of me is not speaking to me... Not that I blame it... it was a lot of work (stop sniggering Farmer... I know for you it's like nothing). 

The good news is I don't have to do that again for a few months... Ah, crap. You mean there will be a next time?