Perspective vs. Perception

I know, I know. Two posts in one day. Too much drama...

But, I think we got down to the bottom of whatever it was between Farmer and I. It's a matter of perspective versus perception. Because we come at things from such different backgrounds I think it hangs us up sometimes. And this is one of those times.

Bottom line is this... Drama is bad. Peace is good. Although I'm not very good at it, I need to let my fears go and live in this moment enjoying what is to be enjoyed between us. Fear and tension will not lessen the blow if something goes wrong. All it can do is speed me towards a bad ending if allowed to continue. I know this is easily said and not easily done... but this is a change I want and need to make. In fact, it's something that I'm going to commit myself to. I may not always succeed in every situation, but I will make the change.

It's something I want to do for myself... and that makes it worth it.

Uneasy...

It's twilight... that time of day just before the sun comes up. This is supposed to be the most hopeful time of the day. The deepest part of night is over and you now know the sun will come up. And yet I find myself uneasy and unable to sleep.

Two factors lend themselves to this overwhelming sense of unrest...

1. I am stressed out about work. As nice as the unexpected day off was on Saturday, it does not bode well for me, as an employee. I feel like I have a boss who is gunning for me... and unfortunately in this business it can be a big hurdle to overcome. He is the person that all deals must go through. He can choose to make me or break me. I worry that his dislike for me (which has been evident since he came to the store) will make my life miserable at the dealership. And there is nothing to be done except keep my head down and hope to make things smoother by just working and not rocking the boat. However, this is not something I've ever been good at. I want to be seen as a valuable asset and the fact that this guy thinks I'm worthless is going to be hard to ignore... and keep my mouth shut over. I am mentally walking through different scenarios and coming up with plans to deal with those situations... otherwise my mouth could get me in trouble and I'm not in a position to lose this job. I will hope for the best but I am not overly optimistic.

2. Even though he denies it, something is going on between Farmer and I. There is something that I said yesterday that flipped some unknown switch... and it makes me very uneasy. The worst part is, when I tried to bring it up and at least get through whatever it is that is the issue (and trust me when I say I have no idea what it is) he claimed that this day was just like any other day. Now, I know my instincts are all out of whack and that my intuition is on the fritz right now... but no one can mistake this wall that has all of a sudden cropped up between us. The difference between last night and the night before is like night and day. The night before we slept with body parts touching and with his arm around me all night. Hell, we woke up making love...

Last night you could have fit all 5 dogs plus 2 more people between us. I've never seen him sleep on the edge of the bed like that... it was weird.

On a normal day, Farmer may not be very verbal but you can always count on him to be physical and affectionate. It's how I know how he feels about me. Right now, when I try to get close he's not very receptive and I'm not quite sure what to do about this. It seems no matter what I try it is not the right thing. And perhaps this is one of those times when I just need to back off and let him figure out whatever it is that is bothering him. He needs to find his way back to me on his own... there is nothing I can do to help that situation out. I'll just make it worse.

I just wish the unease wasn't so palpable. And when I'm thinking about something else two words keep popping into my head...

Something's coming.

Unexpected day off...

While I was at work yesterday, the HR chick came by to sign up one of my co-workers for his benefits. While she was there she let him know that he was out of dress code. He was wearing jean shorts and a polo shirt... but it wasn't a "logo" shirt (i.e. didn't have the logo of the company on it). I was also told a few days ago that if I was going to wear jeans that I also needed to have a logo shirt on. Sure, no problem. When she went by my desk yesterday she commented on how nice I looked (I was wearing some nice capri slacks, a tank with a short-sleeve sweater over the top and heeled sandals).

So today I was wearing the same slacks, a nice shirt and the same sandals. I was setting up at work getting ready for the day when my boss (from now on to be known as AssHat) came over and told me that I needed to go home because I was out of dress code.

Huh? Excuse me?

So according to AssHat, I need to be wearing a logo shirt every day. After all, if I worked at Subway I would be required to wear a Subway shirt, wouldn't I? (his words, not mine). Pardon me if I missed the memo, but I wasn't aware that I was working at a fast food franchise. He also informed me that he got his ass chewed out by said HR lady for not keeping his employees in dress code. So I said fine, please get me a shirt then. He informed me that he didn't have keys to that particular room and that I would have to wait until Monday. OK... I guess they don't trust him with much, do they? And keep in mind, this is the guy who, up until a month ago, was General Manager of all of the dealerships. I guess he got demoted because he was caught sleeping with the owners mistress (the same HR chick who complemented me on my outfit).

Confused yet? So was I. But basically what it boiled down to is that I get an extra day off. Hooray for me!!

What I don't understand is this... if you really did get your ass chewed, why wouldn't you then call your people together and make sure that everyone is on the same page regarding dress code? I mean, I've worn the exact same types of outfits for the month that I've worked there and not one word has been said to me until today. And, if I do really need a logo shirt, why didn't you inform me of that when I could actually get my hands on one? What are you? 10? Do managerial skills so allude you that this didn't cross your mind?

Mind blowing to say the least.

But, I have used this unexpected day off wisely (so far)... I have gotten laundry under control and I went riding this afternoon. Farmer is on his way back from Portland and I'm looking forward to spending some time with him tonight and tomorrow.

All in all, not a bad development...

To resume or not to resume? That is the question...

So, I've been working at the dealership for almost a month now. I got my first paycheck (whoo hoo) and was so happy to have money in my bank account again. I can now release Farmer's credit card back into the wild... thanks, babe!! Couldn't have survived the month without you!!

Anyway, as you might imagine, the car business is VERY slow right now. So slow, I'm wondering if I'll have a job much longer? After all, we only have 17 cars on the lot right now and that includes used cars. And as I am in a Chrystler dealership and they won't be starting production on any new cars until October, I'm a little worried as to what we will have for inventory over the next few months. Also, I'm not super jazzed about the hours. It's a tough schedule with only 2 nights off at 5pm (I'm here at 8:30am and off at 7pm) and my days off are split up. So with all my free time I've been applying to other places.

Does this seem like a bad idea? Farmer's opinion was to ride this out for a few months and get some money in the bank. I am totally for this idea. Money in the bank is a good thing. However, I'm concerned about being let go without any notice and being in the same position again. Although, I think I could handle it better without the BC interfering with my brain... but I don't want to risk it.

I was thinking of trying to find something I'll really like with hours that don't completely suck. I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing... applying to things that look good and keep coming to work until they lock me out.

Rejected...

OK... so, if you haven't figured out by now I have a bit of baggage that has followed me from past relationships. I'm like a scared little turtle unable to help from pulling her head back into her shell at any sign of trouble. And it might be a problem...

I would like to change this, however. So I make this pledge to you, my readers. No more will I let the fear of rejection hinder me. If I feel like doing something I will just do it. If, for some reason, it is not what the other person wants or needs at that moment, I will try not to go into over-obsession about it.

And when in doubt, I will refer to this blog. Not the best plan I've ever had but I'm going to give it a try...

Lost and found...

You never know what you might dig up in the lost and found box... could be an angora sweater just your size. Could be a crusty sock with a hole in the toe.

Rummaging around the lost and found box that is my brain, today is definitely a crusty sock kind of day...

The first item in the box is a random thought that hit me in the middle of the night. Farmer and I had been walking along the canal and I was talking about going riding. He said the reason he didn't want to was that the last time he was (and I quote) "in that frame of mind" he got bucked off. That is a reasonable statement. The thought that hit me later, however, was: what frame of mind was that exactly? According to him, very little goes on in that brain of his worth reporting. I felt like something was off... but he's so hard to read, who the hell knows. So... what frame of mind was he in? What was I picking up on so I can identify and tag for later scrutiny? I doubt I'll ever know. He has many wonderful traits... verbalization of feelings is not one of them. And I'm slowly learning to read the unsaid. But it's a hit or miss proposition sometimes.

The second item in the box is a puzzle that was presented to me, again, last night. (Last night was pretty eventful considering the fact that I didn't go out and didn't get any dinner and was in bed by 10pm. Anyway, I digress... ) So, Farmer and I had planned to ride on Sunday. However now that has gone by the wayside because the hay field has dried faster than expected and needs to be raked and baled tomorrow. So, I'm completely on my own for my day off... and I'm very disappointed and a little at a loss. I'm not upset at Farmer. His life is what it is. I'm just disappointed that we will not get that time together.

Does this make me needy? Wait, don't answer that...

So, now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to be in the house all day again. I really haven't developed a network of friends here yet. I don't want to be alone. You see the problem... And now the crux of it. Normally when I move to a new place I network by hooking up with horsey type people and do horsey type things. However, I'm now torn about this. This is something that was going to be "our" thing... Farmer and I, that is. And I'm all for that. But I have no idea how to network now.

So I'm left with two opposing thoughts... 1. Go ahead and find those horsey people. Make those connections and have them waiting as back up in case something like this happens again, knowing that having them on last minute backup might not work... they could be busy too. 2. Go ahead and find those horsey people. Make my own plans and if Farmer can join in, great. And if not, I'm not left feeling like the bastard step-child that has no life.

I'm sure the answer for this particular problem is somewhere in the middle... just not sure where. And I really don't know how Farmer feels about it. And I'm sure he'll say some such crap like "do whatever you need to do" and it will piss me off. I was so happy to hear that he wanted horsey things to be things we do together... I'm just not quite sure what to do when life interferes with what we had planned and something that I was looking forward to. So... I'm feeling pretty lost.

I'm hoping to be found soon...

(On a complete side note... I am at work right now and the boss is still drunk and outside waving at people passing by singing at the top of his lungs. BigGuy is hung-over at his desk. GQ is egging the boss on in his singing. TooTall has his computer playing really bad country music so loud that I can barely think straight. It's going to be an interesting and very long day...)

Get 'er done...

I was lamenting to Farmer the other night about getting screwed out of a car sale.

A woman called on the phone last Saturday looking for a particular jeep. I didn't have exactly what she was looking for, but I had something that might work instead. She made an appointment to come in and see it the following Monday.

The car I had that might work was on the lot in Walla Walla. My boss lives up there and commutes down and said that he would drive the car down on Monday morning so it was here when they showed up bright and early. I texted him the car info so he would have it when he went to get it on Monday.

So Monday comes and BossMan is running late. In the meantime, my customers have showed up and are anxious to see the car. Then BossMan pulls in... in not the car that he should have been driving. WTF? When I asked him where the car is, he said he couldn't remember which one it was... Then call me, you idiot.

So, my customers are pissed that I didn't deliver and left. Later I found out that they ended up driving to Walla Walla and buying the car there. So, it could have been a sale for me, but instead the money will be lining someone else's pockets.

And when I told Farmer this, he just looked at me and said "You should have gone and got the car yourself". At first this pissed me off. I mean, c'mon. I was looking for reinforcement of my (what I thought) was justifiable rage. Instead I got common sense. Who the hell wants that when I'm ranting about how I got screwed. But now I see that he is right. I know he would have got it done. And it's a trait that I really admire about him.

So from now on I'm taking the bull by the horns and getting 'er done...

PS... I feel like crap today and am now going to make my way home and crawl into bed... I hate this time of the month!!