It's twilight... that time of day just before the sun comes up. This is supposed to be the most hopeful time of the day. The deepest part of night is over and you now know the sun will come up. And yet I find myself uneasy and unable to sleep.
Two factors lend themselves to this overwhelming sense of unrest...
1. I am stressed out about work. As nice as the unexpected day off was on Saturday, it does not bode well for me, as an employee. I feel like I have a boss who is gunning for me... and unfortunately in this business it can be a big hurdle to overcome. He is the person that all deals must go through. He can choose to make me or break me. I worry that his dislike for me (which has been evident since he came to the store) will make my life miserable at the dealership. And there is nothing to be done except keep my head down and hope to make things smoother by just working and not rocking the boat. However, this is not something I've ever been good at. I want to be seen as a valuable asset and the fact that this guy thinks I'm worthless is going to be hard to ignore... and keep my mouth shut over. I am mentally walking through different scenarios and coming up with plans to deal with those situations... otherwise my mouth could get me in trouble and I'm not in a position to lose this job. I will hope for the best but I am not overly optimistic.
2. Even though he denies it, something is going on between Farmer and I. There is something that I said yesterday that flipped some unknown switch... and it makes me very uneasy. The worst part is, when I tried to bring it up and at least get through whatever it is that is the issue (and trust me when I say I have no idea what it is) he claimed that this day was just like any other day. Now, I know my instincts are all out of whack and that my intuition is on the fritz right now... but no one can mistake this wall that has all of a sudden cropped up between us. The difference between last night and the night before is like night and day. The night before we slept with body parts touching and with his arm around me all night. Hell, we woke up making love...
Last night you could have fit all 5 dogs plus 2 more people between us. I've never seen him sleep on the edge of the bed like that... it was weird.
On a normal day, Farmer may not be very verbal but you can always count on him to be physical and affectionate. It's how I know how he feels about me. Right now, when I try to get close he's not very receptive and I'm not quite sure what to do about this. It seems no matter what I try it is not the right thing. And perhaps this is one of those times when I just need to back off and let him figure out whatever it is that is bothering him. He needs to find his way back to me on his own... there is nothing I can do to help that situation out. I'll just make it worse.
I just wish the unease wasn't so palpable. And when I'm thinking about something else two words keep popping into my head...
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
2 days ago