Break out the bubbly...

It's New Year's Eve...

As this year comes to a close the proper thing to do would be to reflect on what has gone on this past year, assess the lessons that have been learned (if any... sometimes it takes a few times) and make a plan of attack going into the new year.

Screw it... I am going to do no such thing.

I have already documented the complete mess that my life has been for the past year... no need to relive it again, in my opinion. After all, it always there just waiting to be read when I'm feeling a little nostalgic.

Instead I'm going to relax and enjoy the holiday. Wulfe is making the trek down to help me celebrate and it should be a fun weekend. Let the festivities begin...

Oh, and Happy New Year to you all!!

Just like old times...

So, I talked with Farmer tonight by phone. I hadn't spoken to him in a while and I thought I would see what he was up to. And what he was up to was his old self... and man, have I missed that!!

It really was just like old times... laughing, joking and ribbing each other. We were actually able to laugh and joke about our relationship... His take being that we should have just cut to the sex and left the rest of it out of the mix. Let's see, how did he put it? Oh yes... Just leave your pants at the door. That sentiment made me laugh so hard there were actual tears...

I mean, yes. It was rough... often he felt like he was being BBQ'ed anytime he opened his mouth. I'm hoping it wasn't quite that bad... but we were pretty far apart on a lot of things. And this trait that I find so endearing in a friend drove me completely nuts as his girlfriend. Ah, well... it was worth a try. I will never regret giving it a go... and I don't think he will either (with more counseling and possibly some shock treatment).

The most important part is this: we are still very good friends. The thing that mattered most stayed in tact...

Now, as I sit here I wonder if Wulfe is having the same kind of conversation with his ex? Their situation is a little different. He broke up with her (for good reasons that I won't get into) and she immediately went out and got a new boyfriend. Then a month later she got engaged... Yeah, I know... I had that same thought. A little quick, don't ya think?

For Wulfe it was just too much. He broke off contact and decided to let things heal before pursuing that friendship again. Smart move, if you ask me...  Anyway, as we were sitting over dinner this past weekend, I just got the impression that she was going to reach out to him again. And, lo and behold, not an hour later there she was showing up in a text. He decided to meet her tonight and wrap up that unfinished business and offer friendship if she was interested. Never an easy thing to do... especially when his mind is on someone else.

Hopefully it's going OK for him. I know for me and Farmer things are back to the way they were... and that alone is worth celebrating.

Hey, it could happen...

So, as the new year starts to draw near these are the times I once again start thinking about what I would like to accomplish in the next year. My theory in the past has been to shoot high in the hopes that maybe something will stick. So, here is my wish list for the next year...

1. Purchase a home. Now there are a few obstacles standing in the way of this one... I need to get the house in Idaho sold. Without that being out of my hair I really have no down payment and the thought of more than one mortgage scares the hell out of me. (True, ex-hub is taking care of it now, but as his circumstances change, this might too). As far as must haves for the home - Land... the more the better. Preferably with it's own water source somewhere on the property. The house itself I really don't care about as long as it has good feng shui. It has to have the right feeling... yes, yes, I know. That sounds stupid. But it's how I operate... Ask Wulfe. He witnessed that side of me first-hand this weekend (scared the crap out of him). The other thing is that I would like that home to be here, at the coast. I love this place... it has the best of all worlds. Jobs are tough to come by, but I happen to have one that I love and I really would like to stick with it (at least for a few years).

2. Love. (Shhhhhhhh... this is my wish list). Yes, I really want to be in love again. I know, I know. I am a glutton for punishment... I can't help it. It has been rough in that department this past year but as the end of this year draws to a close there is light on the horizon for this particular wish.

3. The horses here with me. This kind of ties in to #1, but I would like to have the critters here as soon as possible. I just need to find a way to make that happen. What I need is someone close that has a pasture sitting vacant that only wants $25 a head per month. Again... this is my list, so a girl can dream, can't she?

4. Shed a few pounds. OK... maybe more than a few. I feel better when I am at least 10 lbs lighter than I am now... I would prefer 20 or so. The puppies and I have started walking every morning so I'm hoping that will help. Plus, if I can get the horses down here I'd like to start training for endurance races again. I know Flash is ready to go and the first race I'd like to do is in April. Not sure if I can get the camper rounded up from Idaho by then... but something to think about.

5. Deal with Idaho. I am tired of uttering the phrase: I have that... but it's in Idaho. Ex-hub and I are still on pretty good terms, but I'm wondering how long that will last? He seems to be entering into the "angry" phase... as witnessed by the fact that he apparently stuck his hand through a window last week. Definitely not the person I remember. Plus, I am just ready to cut ties with that relationship once and for all. If there really is a friendship there it is pretty one-sided. Just like our marriage, if I don't make the effort then it just doesn't happen. I am ready to cut those types of people out of my life.

Well, I think that is an intimidating enough list for now... We shall see how well I do in getting 'er done.

Merry Christmas...

To all my readers, I just wanted to say a few things on this special day of the year. First of all, I hope that the things that I write touch you in some way... And although some don't understand why I do it, I know that it makes a difference to me to know that I am not alone as I travel through life's difficult times. And it makes me happy when I get to share the utter joys that life delivers, as well.

Wildflower has reminded me that there is no time to waste. Things may or may not turn out how you want them to, but not having the courage to grab an opportunity and take full advantage of it is the cowardly way to live life. I may experience more hurt than some other folks, but I also get to experience more joy. I have always leaped before I looked and accepted the consequences as they have come. Some things have worked... some have not. But I feel like I am trying to live life to the fullest and that is all we can do.

The tail end of this year has brought about some unexpected changes in my life that I am looking forward to exploring... and to all of my family and friends (especially bff, Wildflower, Wulfe and Farmer) you mean the world to me... Thank you for being a part of this crazy ride that is my life!!

I repeat.... oh, nevermind...

So, it's basically been one thing or another since I've moved into my place. Don't get me wrong, for what it is I love it. It's.... cozy. Which is another way of saying I have moved into a postage stamp. Good thing it's just me and the dogs... it would be pretty tight with another human being here (not that that wouldn't be nice).

My landlord is interesting to say the least. I'm pretty sure he was one of the most active hippies in the 60's... and is still going strong. For instance... my water heater did not really work when I moved in. You could get maybe 5 minutes of good hot water until it would poop out on you and turn lukewarm. So I would have to do things in shifts. This shower: wash my hair. Next: shave... you get the idea. But see, one of my deepest pleasures is a long, hot shower. And I was being seriously deprived!! So, I kept mentioning to Hippie that it really needed to be fixed. He agreed... and then would promptly forget we had spoken. I am pretty sure he is a few bottles short of a six-pack.

You can't just have a conversation with him on a particular subject... there has to be many. Eventually the job does get done though... I do have a new hot-water heater... oh, and internet. The cable is a WIP (work in progress). The dish people set it up wrong so now we are both fighting over the same signal... I'm supposed to be on my own signal so I can watch what I would like... not whatever he is watching. It is a different experience to watch your TV while someone else (not even in the same house) is manning the controls. Let's just say we do not agree on what makes for good TV.

So maybe, if I'm lucky, we'll have that sorted out by the first of the year... but I'm not holding my breath.

A sad day...

My good friend Wildflower lost her ex-lover/best friend yesterday. And because she and I are like twins, always thinking and feeling the same things, my heart breaks for her. I have only felt what she is feeling to a small degree and I know how the bone-crushing grief can be overwhelming, barely allowing you to breathe.

And just when you think you might get your head above the ocean of sorrow, the smallest thing pulls you back down again. I want to hug her and tell her it will eventually all be OK. Not better... it will never be better. After all, he is gone from this world. But, with time, it will be OK. The grief will be replaced by happy memories. Instead of incredible sadness when she thinks of him there will be joy that she got to have him in her life for that brief period of time... and experience comfort knowing that he is now watching over her (and I am CERTAIN that he is).

Wildflower was there for me on one of the darkest days of my life... I am so very sad that I cannot return the favor.

I love her and am thinking of her...

Troubling thoughts...

Occassionaly there are moments in your life when a triggering moment will start a cascade of emotions. All of those carefully crafted walls are no match for the sea of emotions that has just been unleashed. And just like the levies in New Orleans, those walls are no match for the tide that has just engulfed them. Everything that you thought had been dealt with comes to the forefront, once again.

I am troubled by the fact that things that I thought I could always count on being there start to disintigrate before me... with nothing for me to do but watch. Where once words of compassion and love filled the air, now only awkward conversation and miscommunication can be heard. Promises that were made start to fracture like delicate glass. And just like fractured glass, the harder I try to hold on to it the deeper the cuts go.

It is amazing to me that the actions of another can wound our souls so deeply. I am still struck by the deep betrayal of ex-hub. He promised, in front of God and witnesses, to always love and cherish me... that we would be two halves of a whole. And I believed... only to find out that I didn't mean to him what I thought I did. His pride was way more important than our happiness.

And now with two more failed relationships behind me, I wonder if I want the impossible? Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? Someone with whom your soul can't and won't live without? I think I have seen this here on this Earth, but then again... looks can be decieving. Perhaps it's just not possible. There is a line from a movie that goes something like: "you don't want to be in love... you want to be in love in the movies...". Do I suffer from this affliction?

This is the one myth that I don't want to find out doesn't exist... like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. I continue to believe because I want so very much for it to be true. But I am plagued by the fact that perhaps it is not love that is the problem... perhaps it is me. Maybe I am the kind of person that does not inspire these kinds of thoughts or feelings. Am I so difficult that I make it impossible for this type of relationship to really exist? I realize that I come with a lot of baggage... but I always believed that this was balanced out by the fact that there were a lot of good things there too. But am I giving myself way too much credit? I don't know...

And perhaps it is just one of those days... I just need to wait for the tide to recede and build the walls back up. I hope that what I fear does not come to pass... that what I am witnessing is just a difficult time that will work itself out.

Only time will tell...