Sunday, December 20, 2009

Troubling thoughts...

Occassionaly there are moments in your life when a triggering moment will start a cascade of emotions. All of those carefully crafted walls are no match for the sea of emotions that has just been unleashed. And just like the levies in New Orleans, those walls are no match for the tide that has just engulfed them. Everything that you thought had been dealt with comes to the forefront, once again.

I am troubled by the fact that things that I thought I could always count on being there start to disintigrate before me... with nothing for me to do but watch. Where once words of compassion and love filled the air, now only awkward conversation and miscommunication can be heard. Promises that were made start to fracture like delicate glass. And just like fractured glass, the harder I try to hold on to it the deeper the cuts go.

It is amazing to me that the actions of another can wound our souls so deeply. I am still struck by the deep betrayal of ex-hub. He promised, in front of God and witnesses, to always love and cherish me... that we would be two halves of a whole. And I believed... only to find out that I didn't mean to him what I thought I did. His pride was way more important than our happiness.

And now with two more failed relationships behind me, I wonder if I want the impossible? Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? Someone with whom your soul can't and won't live without? I think I have seen this here on this Earth, but then again... looks can be decieving. Perhaps it's just not possible. There is a line from a movie that goes something like: "you don't want to be in love... you want to be in love in the movies...". Do I suffer from this affliction?

This is the one myth that I don't want to find out doesn't exist... like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. I continue to believe because I want so very much for it to be true. But I am plagued by the fact that perhaps it is not love that is the problem... perhaps it is me. Maybe I am the kind of person that does not inspire these kinds of thoughts or feelings. Am I so difficult that I make it impossible for this type of relationship to really exist? I realize that I come with a lot of baggage... but I always believed that this was balanced out by the fact that there were a lot of good things there too. But am I giving myself way too much credit? I don't know...

And perhaps it is just one of those days... I just need to wait for the tide to recede and build the walls back up. I hope that what I fear does not come to pass... that what I am witnessing is just a difficult time that will work itself out.

Only time will tell...

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