I wonder...

So I've been giving the question of Farmer and I a lot of thought, lately. I keep going back to the morning that basically was the beginning of the end and I wonder why I was so upset that morning. I also wonder why Farmer and I sometimes bring out the worst in each other?

As for the first question, I think I may have an answer. Information, I think, is a major key to a relationship working or not. So much can be kept secret simply by the act of omission. The Biologist was a master at this... and so was ex-hub to some extent (although ex-hub did it merely out of laziness... not in trying to keep secrets from me). I tend to get very defensive when things are going on that I had no prior knowledge of. And it's not like I cared where he was going or what he was doing (I was NEVER worried about him cheating on me or anything like that) but it somewhat seemed a repeat of my marriage... two people going their own directions and doing their own things without really consulting or involving the other person. I'm probably very hyper-sensitive to it. In my mind it's like how long does it take to make a quick phone call when things arise? I'm sure to Farmer it was no big deal. In fact, knowing him like I do, I'm sure that morning he was trying very hard not to wake me up because I had to get up later and work. That's just the kind of person he is. I know I came at him way to hard... but there is nothing I can do about that now. I try to slow down and not be so reactionary these days... but I don't always succeed. For better or worse, it is a part of who I am. You can ask my mother...

As for the second question... that one I'm still working on. I think it has something to do with 2 very strong personalities clashing on occassion. My very strong will brings out his very strong will. For the most part I think this is a good thing... occassionally it really trips us up. I actually really love the fact that his opinions are as strong as mine... once I've stepped back and really thought about what he had to say. In the moment, I'm probably not nearly as appreciative of that trait as I should be. And this is where I start to wonder if a long-distance situation could maybe be a very good thing?

I have no intentions of dating anyone else. I'm pretty sure he doesn't either (could be wrong... wouldn't be the first time). We need time and a little distance to figure each other out. I think in time we could get those things ironed out and really make something of this. Of course, this could all be a completely moot subject. I'm probably jumping the gun considering that I have absolutely no idea where he's at on this.

But I'm just doing what I do best... putting out there what is on my mind. For better or worse...