Thursday, November 19, 2009

I hope not...

I'm know I'm not the only one, although some days it feels that way. I'm talking about depression. It's an insidious creature that doesn't discriminate... It envelopes you in a foggy cage that seems almost inescapable sometimes.

For the most part I have been pretty good about doing the things that keep the depression at bay... living in sunny areas, riding frequently, getting out with my friends and family, creating a good home environment. There was one year where I was completely hamstrung by depression and I NEVER want to have a time like that again. I was basically sleeping for 18 to 20 hours a day and completely non-functional.

So, why am I bringing this up? After all, I finally have a job that I LOVE... so what's the problem, you ask? Yes, that part of my life is finally straightened out, but it's the only part. And as much as I love my job I am not the type of person that lives to work. I work to live... doing something I like to do is just a huge bonus.

This week (if you've been reading back) has not been the best week. I can feel the wisps of depression starting to surround me. I don't think it's weather related... surprisingly enough, the sun is out quite frequently here (and trust me, I am surprised... it is the Oregon coast, after all). I think it more has to do with the fact that I've been living out of my car for almost a month, money is extremely tight (and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to get this enormous deposit together), I really have no friends here, I don't have any of my animals here. I sit around stressing out about all of the aspects of my life that are still a mess and then I stress out over the fact that I'm stressing out when I should just be grateful that I have a job... and one I like.

I feel myself chasing my own tail and that's a tough cycle to break. I continue to have the "oh shit" moments although I know I've done the right thing. People keep telling me that it will all get sorted out (I know they mean well) and intellectually I know this is true... emotionally is a completely different matter and I'm an emotional person (like you couldn't tell). And I don't feel like there is anyone who really understands... so then I don't feel like really calling anyone and talking about it. I find myself defending these feelings and I hate doing that. Plus I have no idea what I want from them... I know I'm tired of hearing that it's just in my head and I'm fine. Right now it's really hard and people don't seem to get that. I have just moved to a place where I know no one... alone. It's a hell of a lot harder than it seems...

During work I'm a happy person and glad to be here. After work when I'm sitting around alone is when I feel it most. Some people like and crave that alone time... I, on the other hand, fear it. I'm too much in my own head as it is. I really don't need this much time for it.

I know it seems like I'm a whiny, ungrateful bitch. Mostly I just need to vent without feeling like I'm being judged...


  1. Everyone feels as you do at times. Its called lonliness! We just have to do what we need to not dwell on it. Just live one day at a time. That is all for now. Other things will happen in your life, it has before. I have been reading your blog and relate to alot of it. I have gone through alot of this myself. Go ahead and cry sometimes! Life is full of bad and good which really kind of sucks at times! But hang in there girl, you are going in the right direction! When you get your animals with you, you will be able to breath alot easier. And the right boyfriend will come sooner or later. Always good to get your own life in order before you have to worrry about another guy! Makes us stronger, believe me!

  2. Shar
    You have been through a TON! Change is always hard - but your level of stress is right up there with the highest. Don't set up expectations other than just surviving. That is just plenty for now.

    We all think that everybody else is doing so much better than we are. I'm in the Relief Society Presidency in an affluent ward. Trust me, EVERYBODY has problems. Some are hidden pretty well, but no one escapes.

    You might try reading my sister-in-law, Lori's, blog. You can get to it from my blog. She deals with both physical and emotional problems. And she loves graphic arts, like you. I think you will discover that what you're feeling is not all that uncommon. Of course, that doesn't make it much easier - but may break the cycle of stressing that you are stressing.