I'm know I'm not the only one, although some days it feels that way. I'm talking about depression. It's an insidious creature that doesn't discriminate... It envelopes you in a foggy cage that seems almost inescapable sometimes.
For the most part I have been pretty good about doing the things that keep the depression at bay... living in sunny areas, riding frequently, getting out with my friends and family, creating a good home environment. There was one year where I was completely hamstrung by depression and I NEVER want to have a time like that again. I was basically sleeping for 18 to 20 hours a day and completely non-functional.
So, why am I bringing this up? After all, I finally have a job that I LOVE... so what's the problem, you ask? Yes, that part of my life is finally straightened out, but it's the only part. And as much as I love my job I am not the type of person that lives to work. I work to live... doing something I like to do is just a huge bonus.
This week (if you've been reading back) has not been the best week. I can feel the wisps of depression starting to surround me. I don't think it's weather related... surprisingly enough, the sun is out quite frequently here (and trust me, I am surprised... it is the Oregon coast, after all). I think it more has to do with the fact that I've been living out of my car for almost a month, money is extremely tight (and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to get this enormous deposit together), I really have no friends here, I don't have any of my animals here. I sit around stressing out about all of the aspects of my life that are still a mess and then I stress out over the fact that I'm stressing out when I should just be grateful that I have a job... and one I like.
I feel myself chasing my own tail and that's a tough cycle to break. I continue to have the "oh shit" moments although I know I've done the right thing. People keep telling me that it will all get sorted out (I know they mean well) and intellectually I know this is true... emotionally is a completely different matter and I'm an emotional person (like you couldn't tell). And I don't feel like there is anyone who really understands... so then I don't feel like really calling anyone and talking about it. I find myself defending these feelings and I hate doing that. Plus I have no idea what I want from them... I know I'm tired of hearing that it's just in my head and I'm fine. Right now it's really hard and people don't seem to get that. I have just moved to a place where I know no one... alone. It's a hell of a lot harder than it seems...
During work I'm a happy person and glad to be here. After work when I'm sitting around alone is when I feel it most. Some people like and crave that alone time... I, on the other hand, fear it. I'm too much in my own head as it is. I really don't need this much time for it.
I know it seems like I'm a whiny, ungrateful bitch. Mostly I just need to vent without feeling like I'm being judged...
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
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