Reflections...

As I am faced with the possible end of my current relationship (I hope not, but it's a 2 person thing and right now there is very little communication from the other side) I find myself looking back at not just this relationship but the ones that have come before.

Farmer remains my favorite ex. We fought long and hard to make sure that our friendship succeeded where we, as a couple, had failed and I love him for making the effort. It wasn't easy. At. All. And he could have told me to fuck off many times and never did. He's always been willing to pick up the phone and listen to me bitch and then show me a side of the problem that would have never occurred to me. He is one of my dearest friends... still.

The Biologist is a difficult relationship to sort out. I'm pissed he cheated (and that I didn't listen to my instincts) and that he wasn't straight up with me about it until much, much later. At the time, though, he was what I needed to get out of a bad marriage. So I'm glad about that. He also gave me confidence again. He's now engaged and doing well. I wish him the best...

Ex-hub is by far the most frustrating and difficult relationship to work out in my head. On paper, it was a great marriage. We had many good things going for us. Unfortunately, paper didn't match real life. As my sis once wisely said... you either grow together or grow apart. And we grew apart. Ex-hub felt that the wedding day was the finish line. After that, he figured he didn't need to put in any time or effort. And those of you who have long-term relationships know this not to be the case. It is work. It's like a garden. If you don't tend to what is planted and keep it growing, it withers and dies. And that is exactly what happened with us. With very long-lasting effects. There are feelings I still have about that whole situation that are unresolved.

And perhaps this is part of the problem with my current relationship. Old baggage resurfacing until I figure out a way to put it to rest, once and for all. Or maybe baggage never entirely goes away. It does become a part of who you are, after all...

As you can tell, my brain is all over the place. Jumping around hither and yon...

I guess I'm just tired. It's been 2 nights of very little sleep and I've never been so glad to see a Friday. Hopefully this weekend I can get a few things sorted out. We'll see...