Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Just do what makes you happy...

... and everything else will just fall into place, Farmer tells me.

It is this unique ability to cut through the crap that I find so endearing in Farmer. He has become one of my most dearest friends... able to throw me a life-line of practicality when I am drowning in the sea of my own mind... which for some reason is often of late.

It all started Sunday night on my way home from the parental's house. I was chatting with Farmer about the weekend (his mostly) and I mentioned in brief that I was a little bummed that I didn't get to do what my original plans were... and then the conversation moved on from there and all was fine.

We hung up and I had about 25 miles until I was home. All of a sudden I was a blubbering mess... I mean, seriously a mess. I have no idea what triggered it, but all of a sudden I was mourning the break-up with Wulfe. And then it morphed into the “what is wrong with me” show...

All in all, it was very sad. And it just seems to be there still... this overwhelming feeling that something is wrong with me. I mean, after all, Wulfe was with his ex for 5 years (yes, 5 years) and had quite a few complaints... I only warranted a few months... why is that? Same story with Farmer. What is it about me being me that makes being with me so damn hard? (bet you can't say that 5 times fast)

Anyway, I voiced something like that to Farmer... well, actually I was trying to explain why I feel like being in a relationship is important. And for me, I want to know I matter to someone else and that they matter to me... in more than just a friendship kind of way. His response? He thinks I worry way too much about what I'm getting out of the relationship. He said for him it's all about what he's putting into it... and the other part just comes naturally.

Damn it!! I hate it when he's right. And this time he hit the nail on the head... (shhhhhhh... don't tell him I said that. It will just go to his head) I have been very wrapped up in what I'm getting out of it and I really haven't been putting as much into it as I should have. That was true with Farmer and with Wulfe.

I think part of this has to do with what happened in the marriage. It was so one-sided there at the end that I think I have just forgotten how to really give. Oh, and that brings up the other issue... ex-hub. He still thinks we should be thinking about reconciliation. But the funny thing is, any type of interactions we have are when I make the effort, not him. Even now, it is the same thing... it doesn't get done if I don't do it. I think, really, that with ex-hub change is hard for him and I am what he knows. But I am just not willing to go back to that place again. Bff was right... I am way more content now than I was for the last 3 years in the marriage.

When I was driving home on Sunday and I saw the ocean, I really felt like I was coming home. That hasn't happened since I lived in Central Oregon. When I go visit Farmer (or even when I was going to Wulfe's) it was more of like wrapping up in a warm blanket. It is nice and comfortable.

But the coast is starting to feel like home for me.

So I guess in that sense I'm starting to follow Farmer's advise...

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