Contrast and compare...

So, the first week of my new job is over. I really love it and am glad the opportunity has come along. I finally feel like I'm starting to get my shit together... and it's about time. Seriously.

It's been a really long and very difficult year. Yes, I know. It could be (and could have been) so much worse. But for me it's been a tough one. Luckily I have a very understanding family (thanks Aunt Vik for the warm and cozy blankie) and very good friends who are there for me whenever I need them. Bff has been my compass for most of this year and I have relied on her opinions when I wasn't sure what was in my own mind... which has been a lot (damn birth control anyway).

Anywho... there has just been one aspect of this whole thing that has been niggling the back of my mind. I was really feeling like there was some serious unfinished business between Farmer and I. That there was something there that I was not ready to let go quite yet...

But, funny thing. Whether you are ready to let go or not, sometimes the decision is taken away from you. For the second time this year I have basically walked away from a relationship and the other person has been completely OK with it. I am back to the "am I not a good catch?" place. I mean, was it that bad? Really?

Up until I actually got back, I was seriously thinking that we could possibly do it long-distance. Well, that notion has been seriously quashed. Gone is the joy of seeing me after an absence. Gone is the sexual tension that always used to be there. I am "just a friend" again. Really and truly...

It's like there is a bubble around him and any time I begin to enter he immediately pulls back. What it reminds me of is this friend I had in high-school who really wanted to be way more than friends. I, however, did not. Anytime this guy got even a little close to me I was pulling back because I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. And now I am on the other side of that fence...

Wow. Never thought I would be in that position...

So, I guess it's really and truly done. The end. At least for this particular aspect of my life...

I'm hoping as time goes on and distance comes between us that he will be the Farmer I remember. The one who when I was threatening to smack him around for one smart-ass comment or another would respond "threaten me with a good time, why don't ya". I miss that guy. I'm hoping the bubble will eventually dissipate.

BTW... safe and happy Halloween to everyone.

Huh...

So... should I be offended or relieved that it really doesn't seem like Farmer is missing me at all? Not sure how I feel about this issue...

I figured that I would be hearing something about the void left behind. So far... nothing. Again, just not sure how I should be feeling about that...

Right turn...

I do believe the term "running around like a chicken with my head cut off" just might describe the last few days.

So, in last post's episode, I had just been fired... and was basically having a big pity party. That was Wednesday night.

On Thursday I got a call from a publisher at a newspaper at the Oregon coast that was looking for a Production Manager... was I interested in coming down for an interview? Um.... yeah!! So I prepped my portfolio, forwarded my references by email and prepared to drive 5 hours to the interview the next day... which was being held at my FAVORITE restaurant.

Friday I got up and drove to the coast through the pouring rain. At the coast it wasn't too bad. It so happened that I beat the publisher to the restaurant. So I picked a table that would accommodate my portfolio (and our lunch) and proceeded to wait for her to show up. When she did, she asked me if I had any other questions other than what was discussed over the phone... we talked about a few other things and then she proceeded to tell me that she had talked to my former boss in Prineville at the CO and was ready to offer me the job.

OMG... before I could even say yes she added oh and by the way, can you start Monday? I about fell out of my chair. But when the universe speaks you cannot ignore it. So, of course, I said yes. And then proceeded to have a mental melt-down. But lunch was nice LOL

So, went back to EO for the weekend... packed up the car and headed to the coast. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I have just moved 5 hours away from Farmer. I'm a little bummed about that. I had hoped that would end up going somewhere. Maybe right person, wrong time... but I'm not going to argue with the universe. I asked and it answered.

So... I started this blog on Sunday night and it's now Tuesday night. The first 2 days went by very quickly. I still feel like I'm visiting because I'm living out of my car and a motel. Hopefully I can find a place to live soon.

I do love my new job, though... and all the people I work with. Not sure how I'll like the weather, but the fact that I can walk a short distance and see the ocean anytime I want is pretty dang nice.

So far, so good.

Not off to a good start...

I was so hoping that 37 would be a better year than 36. That was a tough one... failed marriage, 2 failed relationships, failed business, unemployment (sometimes by my own choice, sometimes not)... you get the idea.

Well, 37 is not off to a much better start. I was fired last night. It wasn't completely unexpected but it wasn't exactly on my radar either. The dealership has been struggling so I knew it was a possibility... I at least expected to get to the end of this month at the very least. Oh well.

But I'm stressed out. There isn't a ton of money in the bank and sleep has deserted me once again (thought we had that ironed out but I guess my threats didn't sink in). I'm definitely in a funk today. I'm feeling very beat down. I know that I will land on my feet but I'm really tired of having to do that... I'm ready to move into the phase in my life where I can find a place I want to settle and have a good life and job there. Is that so much to ask?

I'm sure tomorrow I will feel better... today I just feel like a huge failure in every aspect of my life.

That's irony... not ironing...

So, it's been about a month since Farmer and I called it off. Some days are really good. Some days are not so great. I think it's the same for him... but who knows. I have such a hard time reading him that I could be completely wrong.

And that kind of annoys me. Why do I have such a hard time with him? I'm so used to being able to figure out what makes people tick... he, though, is an enigma wrapped in a mystery (and tied with a bow, I'm sure). It makes me wonder what the hell I'm missing...

For the most part the friendship is in tact. He seems more reserved that he was before we were together but I'm not sure if that's because he doesn't want to make things more difficult for me or if he just doesn't want to lead me on... Basically I have no idea what goes on in his brain. And I'm sure if I asked him he would just look at me like I'm crazy (and I am... so there is that).

I must say that I enjoy the company at night. He makes an effort to have dinner with me every night which is really nice. He seems way more relaxed and I don't think that we're getting any less time together... it's just spent differently I think... mainly as friends, not as a couple as it would have been. I think for him it takes the pressure off... but again, I could be way off base. Who knows?

Anyway... not sure where I was headed with this and now I've lost my train of thought. Time for breakfast, me thinks.

When I grow up I want to be...

I've heard people say that the way to be happy is to find a way to get paid for doing what you love. I think in a way Farmer has managed this. I don't think it was that way to begin with, but he does love it now. And the lifestyle suits him to a "T".

So, if money were no object what would I be doing? I've been pondering this thought for a few days now and I think I have finally figured it out...

Other than graphic design, the job I loved best was being a "dude wrangler" in Sunriver. I loved that job. I loved interacting with the people and the horses. I really enjoyed being paid to ride and showing people who haven't had much exposure how much fun horses can be.

So if I could figure out a way to get it going financially I think that is what I would do. I wouldn't do it quite like Sunriver had it set up, though. First of all I would be set up outside of Yellowstone... probably to the North or Northeast entrance to do day rides into yellowstone. I love yellowstone and it has some of the most amazing scenery out there. I would also have my ranch set up kind of like a resort. Dudes would come to stay a week minimum (to get full exposure) and I would have cabins set up around a main courtyard type area with a grilling pit and fireplace. I would have my personal ranch house, corrals and covered arena in a different area so I could get away when needed. I would make sure to have lots of pasture for the horses. I would also be breeding my own stock to use for trail horses... maybe a gaited breed for comfort (possibly the Rocky Mountain or the Tennessee Walker). These horses would get lots of training before they were deemed suitable for guests. Also, some of this stock would be for sale. I would raise my own cattle for beef. I would have wranglers and cooks.

During the winter when yellowstone is closed I would be training the younger stock and getting ready for the next breeding season. I also would love to have some non-beef cattle for sorting and penning in the winter in my top notch covered arena.

Oh... it could work, all right. If I only had the money...

You're fine. How am I?

So many things running through my head that I'm having a hard time concentrating on just one thing...

Mostly I feel like every time I have a grip on my life it starts to spin out of control again. That is getting old. In the past, the way has been shown... but right now I'm still waiting.

The other thing that kind of struck me tonight... my faith in myself is seriously shaken. And in turn Farmer has no faith in me either. That was brought forth tonight by a miscommunication and it's a little frustrating. In my marriage, ex-hub had unshakable faith... he always knew that he could count on me to do it, fix it, find it, manage it... you know, just be it. But I couldn't count on him. I feel like roles are reversed here and I have no idea how to deal. I have that faith in Farmer but that doesn't seem to be a 2-way street at this point. I'm frustrated in myself for not showing him that I can be that person he can count on...

ARGGGGG... I'm hoping sleep will let me see things more clearly in the morning.

Clarified... and I don't mean butter...

So, had a nice day with Farmer yesterday.

Took a couple of horses out to round up some cattle at the feedlot. Elmo did OK. I started to get frustrated with him (and him with me, I'm sure) but he did finish nicely for me. We had a minor melt-down, but he came back off the ledge... unlike last time. So that was good.

Afterwards I helped Farmer run the heffers through the shutes to give them shots. I was having one of my "crazy" days yesterday, so I was getting a little more frustrated than the situation warrented (I also blame Verizon for this because I am having issues with my bill that they refuse to fix... but that is another story). And sometimes I just want to know what I'm supposed to be doing or what the plan of attack is. Unfortunately, Farmer and I are a lot alike... we both are the type of people that just take charge and do things without really having a plan, per se... but I'm way out of my element here and playing catch-up all the time. And, as you know, his communication skills sometimes don't help. But all in all got the job done and had fun doing it.

But we had a moment of clarification yesterday regarding his comment about me going to carve pumpkins by myself. He meant it not to be mean but to be helpful (I think... maybe I didn't understand it correctly). I have said in the past that riding is a key to my happiness and sanity. He knows this and tried to encourage it by telling me to do it by myself. I guess the pumpkin comment fell into the same category for him. What he doesn't realize and I'm not sure I explained very well, is that there is a difference between me riding (something I really need to do) and carving a pumpkin (something that I thought might be kind of fun).

Also, he bought a new frame for the bedroom I'm in now (which was great... freed up a lot more room in there). While he was putting it together I kept trying to help (or actually just take charge) and he kept getting the funniest look on his face. Finally I said that I usually had to do these things myself because ex-hub was not too keen on these things. I think it finally dawned on him where I'm coming from on that point.

Anyway... it was a nice day. I enjoyed myself. 'Nough said...

Drug induced haze...

So, things have started to settle down here a bit. We had a minor discussion the other night because Farmer thought I was avoiding him (I wasn't) and in turn that was making him more stressed out (the exact opposite of what was supposed to be happening). But in the end, it got sorted and all has been well... up till an hour ago.

I put the idea out there about possibly carving pumpkins... OK, not the most exciting activity, I know, but I figured it was the one with the best chance of happening given schedules. Farmer's reaction? Not interested... and not only that but I could go do it by myself. OK... that's the truncated version, but you get the idea. Needless to say, I was a tad offended. I didn't bring it up to have it flung back in my face. I know that I can do this or that by myself. The point was I was inviting him to do it with me. It's an invitation I would have extended to any of my friends.

So I guess this is why I was frustrated. Even if it was something he didn't want to do, that's fine. But I guess I was waiting for an alternate suggestion or something else. Not a "feel free to do it by yourself" kind of attitude. He felt like I'm trying to put him into a box that he just doesn't fit into. And maybe I am...

I don't mean to. But I have no idea how to proceed now.

Ahhhh... this is not helping my stuffed up head (oh yeah, fighting a cold now, too). I suppose the best course of action (read: so I don't try to stuff him in a box that he doesn't fit into) I will let him make the suggestions of things to do in the future.

Or whatever...

I'm having a hard time thinking... I think the sudafed has finally kicked in. My head feels fuzzy...

Welcome, sanity...

Oh my... just when I think I know what's going on... BAM!! I find out I had no clue, whatsoever. I've decided that I just need to stop trying to figure it out. It's going to give me brain cancer... or some other serious brain ailment. And I have limited function in that area anyway and I can't afford to have any other issues with my brain. So... I don't know. I won't know. I can't know. And that is that.

In other news, sleep has come back to me after a long absence. I missed it terribly... and have scolded it for leaving me high and dry when I needed it most. It is properly embarrassed and has asked for forgiveness. I think I will give it. But it had better not abandon me like that again. I think it got the picture.

My sanity and I have an intimate evening planned as well. I have let relations between us lag over the last few months... but I am fixing that. I have joined a riding group that meets twice a week... and where my horse and saddle are, so is my sanity.

I'm sure everyone in my near-vicinity will be grateful that I am seeking out my sanity again.

Makes for a much happier SweetPea...

The butterfly effect...

There has been a lot of soul-searching going on in the last couple of weeks. And it's time to put this particular chapter to bed and start to move forward. I hate to say it... but my mother is right. I have just been treading water with no movement or goals to speak of. I have had a rough year, but nothing that is not overcomable. And it is time to overcome...

A few lingering thoughts to put out there before I move on for good... some things that have been bothering me that I wanted answers to. However, I have come to realize that I will never have those answers... and I need to be OK with that.

The first is: I wonder if Farmer and the Biologist will ever come to realize what they gave up? The Biologist, probably not so much. He was only concerned with himself and that complete unawareness of other people will shield him from that, I think. Farmer is probably a different story. Although I believe he has somewhat the same ability to stick his head in the sand... the sand being work... and ignore the rest of what life has to offer. I think someday he will regret choosing not to really give this another chance. Timing might have something to do with it... but maybe not. But he had someone who was willing to give as much as she got, was interested in the lifestyle and really wanted to be a part of it, and was really in love with him and wanted him to be a partner in her life as well. That doesn't come along very often.

But, they made their choice and it is what it is.

I know I will find love again someday. But I need to remember this simple story... a girl went out to the field searching for butterflies, with no success. She looked all afternoon without ever spotting a butterfly. She got tired and decided to lay down in the meadow and take a nap... and when she woke up she was covered in butterflies.

I need to start concentrating on the things that make me happy... and love will find me when I'm ready.

Like ships passing...

On my drive to Portland this morning (which started at 5:45am) I had a lot of thoughts going through my head. The insomnia is still plaguing me... which is a completely new experience. Usually when I am feeling overwhelmed by life I like to sleep... a LOT. There was one winter where I was sleeping up to 20 hours a day. That was not a good time for me... come to find out that I suffer from winter depression. It was the worst in Portland. Since then I have lived in places that tend to have lots of sun during the cold months of the year. That makes a huge difference. But the point is I'm not used to not being able to sleep. I am a professional. I love sleep. The fact that it doesn't love me back right now is very disappointing. But I digress...

So, on my way to Portland I stopped in Biggs to get something to drink. As I was wandering around the gas station there I was looking around me and wondering what other stories were there in the gas station with me.

How about that guy with the packed 1982 Honda? What was his story? Is he moving for a job? Is he heading to a new destination or going back to an old, familiar place?

Or what about the guy on the motorcycle? Is he out just for a pleasure ride? Is this his way to escape the worries of the world for a while? Is he on a trip to some amazing destination or just enjoying the local scenery?

I guess I tend to forget that there are people on this earth who probably have a similar story to mine. They, too, are starting over at a time in their lives when things should have been settled and in a familiar routine. I never imagined that I would be 37 (oh yeah... my birthday was on Friday) and starting over. This is not a place I expected to find myself... and I have really been feeling lost. But I'm not the only one. Especially in these times and with this economy. People are facing things that they never expected to have to deal with. As Farmer loves to remind me... the universe does not revolve around me. We are all in this together.

And there are people out there who are dealing with things much worse than what my life has served up. Which is why I would like to let my Aunt, my Uncle and my Cousin and her Husband know that I am thinking about them every day... my prayers are with you.

You've got to be kidding me...

Despite my best efforts last night, I still only got around 3 hours of sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1:46am... my eyes snapped open @ 4:38am.

This has got to stop or I'm going to go stark raving mad... seriously.

I am the type of person who needs at least 8 hours to function correctly. I haven't been able to live off of this little sleep since my early 20's and that was quite a few years ago. I have tried listening to the radio, watching TV, writing on this blog, taking drugs to knock myself out... in fact I took a dose last night that in normal times would have had me sleeping for 14 hours and then "hung-over" for the rest of the day. What is the deal?

To make matters worse, I have been getting the weirdest vibe off of Farmer the last few days. I tried to get to the bottom of it this morning with no success. From his perspective there is nothing different or wrong. But he is doing exactly what he said he would if things went south... bury himself in work.

Maybe that is what I'm experiencing... the distinct impression that he just doesn't care. This isn't on his mind and probably isn't going to be... ever. I suppose it could be worse. I was trumped by work... not by another person.

Dear lord... what a mess!! Because as I've stated before I had hopes that the situation would change. However, that will only come about if he decides that this is worth having in his life. Not likely, considering the fact that he is right back to where he was... and it seems to be what he wants. What a complete and utter bummer.

So, I'm invisible in that relationship... or whatever it is now. And it seems the same applies at work as well. I had my boss literally look through me yesterday and consult with another person from my dealership about this, that and the other. And it wasn't an isolated incident. He actually went out of his way to hunt down this other person (who was outside with a customer) to do a particular thing that I could have done quicker and easier since I was right there.

Let me tell ya, there is no better feeling than knowing you just don't matter... or that they would prefer someone or something else over you.

And the thing I need the most (sleep) is like smoke through my fingers.

Man, I love my life right now... thank goodness I get to ride tonight. For those few hours I matter to something. At least my horses and dogs love me... oh, and family too. OK, and bff... and friends, too.

I guess it's not that bad after all.