Despite my best efforts last night, I still only got around 3 hours of sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1:46am... my eyes snapped open @ 4:38am.
This has got to stop or I'm going to go stark raving mad... seriously.
I am the type of person who needs at least 8 hours to function correctly. I haven't been able to live off of this little sleep since my early 20's and that was quite a few years ago. I have tried listening to the radio, watching TV, writing on this blog, taking drugs to knock myself out... in fact I took a dose last night that in normal times would have had me sleeping for 14 hours and then "hung-over" for the rest of the day. What is the deal?
To make matters worse, I have been getting the weirdest vibe off of Farmer the last few days. I tried to get to the bottom of it this morning with no success. From his perspective there is nothing different or wrong. But he is doing exactly what he said he would if things went south... bury himself in work.
Maybe that is what I'm experiencing... the distinct impression that he just doesn't care. This isn't on his mind and probably isn't going to be... ever. I suppose it could be worse. I was trumped by work... not by another person.
Dear lord... what a mess!! Because as I've stated before I had hopes that the situation would change. However, that will only come about if he decides that this is worth having in his life. Not likely, considering the fact that he is right back to where he was... and it seems to be what he wants. What a complete and utter bummer.
So, I'm invisible in that relationship... or whatever it is now. And it seems the same applies at work as well. I had my boss literally look through me yesterday and consult with another person from my dealership about this, that and the other. And it wasn't an isolated incident. He actually went out of his way to hunt down this other person (who was outside with a customer) to do a particular thing that I could have done quicker and easier since I was right there.
Let me tell ya, there is no better feeling than knowing you just don't matter... or that they would prefer someone or something else over you.
And the thing I need the most (sleep) is like smoke through my fingers.
Man, I love my life right now... thank goodness I get to ride tonight. For those few hours I matter to something. At least my horses and dogs love me... oh, and family too. OK, and bff... and friends, too.
I guess it's not that bad after all.
How to Show Up to Your Life
1 day ago