Contrast and compare...

So, the first week of my new job is over. I really love it and am glad the opportunity has come along. I finally feel like I'm starting to get my shit together... and it's about time. Seriously.

It's been a really long and very difficult year. Yes, I know. It could be (and could have been) so much worse. But for me it's been a tough one. Luckily I have a very understanding family (thanks Aunt Vik for the warm and cozy blankie) and very good friends who are there for me whenever I need them. Bff has been my compass for most of this year and I have relied on her opinions when I wasn't sure what was in my own mind... which has been a lot (damn birth control anyway).

Anywho... there has just been one aspect of this whole thing that has been niggling the back of my mind. I was really feeling like there was some serious unfinished business between Farmer and I. That there was something there that I was not ready to let go quite yet...

But, funny thing. Whether you are ready to let go or not, sometimes the decision is taken away from you. For the second time this year I have basically walked away from a relationship and the other person has been completely OK with it. I am back to the "am I not a good catch?" place. I mean, was it that bad? Really?

Up until I actually got back, I was seriously thinking that we could possibly do it long-distance. Well, that notion has been seriously quashed. Gone is the joy of seeing me after an absence. Gone is the sexual tension that always used to be there. I am "just a friend" again. Really and truly...

It's like there is a bubble around him and any time I begin to enter he immediately pulls back. What it reminds me of is this friend I had in high-school who really wanted to be way more than friends. I, however, did not. Anytime this guy got even a little close to me I was pulling back because I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. And now I am on the other side of that fence...

Wow. Never thought I would be in that position...

So, I guess it's really and truly done. The end. At least for this particular aspect of my life...

I'm hoping as time goes on and distance comes between us that he will be the Farmer I remember. The one who when I was threatening to smack him around for one smart-ass comment or another would respond "threaten me with a good time, why don't ya". I miss that guy. I'm hoping the bubble will eventually dissipate.

BTW... safe and happy Halloween to everyone.