Thursday, June 14, 2012

Brain dump...

Not sure where this is going, so just stick with me for a moment...

For one, it's 2am and I can't sleep. Part of the reason is that I've got too much crap rolling around in my brain and I need to do a brain dump... verbally vomit, if you will.

Half of what's rolling around in there is related to the endurance race coming up and I still need to retain that until I can get my shopping list in order.

The other half is related to a question that was posed to me the other day by a friend. The question was (essentially): Why do you think all of your relationships have failed?

First of all: ouch. Fail is such a harsh word.

Secondly, other than the obvious answer that has me as the common denominator, I have found this question has really got me thinking... and I think the real answer is a lack of genuine communication with the other person.

With Ex-hub we both stopped talking and participating in the relationship; the Biologist cheated (definitely no communication there); Farmer and I could state our positions but no common ground could really be found; RR was good at communication but would get lost in the minutia of the conversation and lose track of the big picture; with Rebel I was unaware that while it seemed like things were really good for him (and us) in actuality it was just mediocre (which led to a most unpleasant blind-side).

So this idea of genuine communication keeps rolling around in my brain. There are several ideas tied to this one and I still am sorting them out. But the idea I keep circling back to is what would genuine communication actually look like? Feel like? Be like?

In all of these relationships, has anyone really seen and known the whole of me? All have seen bits and pieces... each pulling out the different aspects of my personality. The person The Biologist knows is different from the person that Farmer knows. All genuine, but still not the whole picture...

I greedily hoard the other parts of myself... perhaps waiting for the day when it feels right to share everything.

Well, I think that's enough verbal vomit for one middle of the night, not quite awake, what the hell am I talking about? rant.

Don't you agree?

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