Perspective vs. Perception

I know, I know. Two posts in one day. Too much drama...

But, I think we got down to the bottom of whatever it was between Farmer and I. It's a matter of perspective versus perception. Because we come at things from such different backgrounds I think it hangs us up sometimes. And this is one of those times.

Bottom line is this... Drama is bad. Peace is good. Although I'm not very good at it, I need to let my fears go and live in this moment enjoying what is to be enjoyed between us. Fear and tension will not lessen the blow if something goes wrong. All it can do is speed me towards a bad ending if allowed to continue. I know this is easily said and not easily done... but this is a change I want and need to make. In fact, it's something that I'm going to commit myself to. I may not always succeed in every situation, but I will make the change.

It's something I want to do for myself... and that makes it worth it.

Uneasy...

It's twilight... that time of day just before the sun comes up. This is supposed to be the most hopeful time of the day. The deepest part of night is over and you now know the sun will come up. And yet I find myself uneasy and unable to sleep.

Two factors lend themselves to this overwhelming sense of unrest...

1. I am stressed out about work. As nice as the unexpected day off was on Saturday, it does not bode well for me, as an employee. I feel like I have a boss who is gunning for me... and unfortunately in this business it can be a big hurdle to overcome. He is the person that all deals must go through. He can choose to make me or break me. I worry that his dislike for me (which has been evident since he came to the store) will make my life miserable at the dealership. And there is nothing to be done except keep my head down and hope to make things smoother by just working and not rocking the boat. However, this is not something I've ever been good at. I want to be seen as a valuable asset and the fact that this guy thinks I'm worthless is going to be hard to ignore... and keep my mouth shut over. I am mentally walking through different scenarios and coming up with plans to deal with those situations... otherwise my mouth could get me in trouble and I'm not in a position to lose this job. I will hope for the best but I am not overly optimistic.

2. Even though he denies it, something is going on between Farmer and I. There is something that I said yesterday that flipped some unknown switch... and it makes me very uneasy. The worst part is, when I tried to bring it up and at least get through whatever it is that is the issue (and trust me when I say I have no idea what it is) he claimed that this day was just like any other day. Now, I know my instincts are all out of whack and that my intuition is on the fritz right now... but no one can mistake this wall that has all of a sudden cropped up between us. The difference between last night and the night before is like night and day. The night before we slept with body parts touching and with his arm around me all night. Hell, we woke up making love...

Last night you could have fit all 5 dogs plus 2 more people between us. I've never seen him sleep on the edge of the bed like that... it was weird.

On a normal day, Farmer may not be very verbal but you can always count on him to be physical and affectionate. It's how I know how he feels about me. Right now, when I try to get close he's not very receptive and I'm not quite sure what to do about this. It seems no matter what I try it is not the right thing. And perhaps this is one of those times when I just need to back off and let him figure out whatever it is that is bothering him. He needs to find his way back to me on his own... there is nothing I can do to help that situation out. I'll just make it worse.

I just wish the unease wasn't so palpable. And when I'm thinking about something else two words keep popping into my head...

Something's coming.

Unexpected day off...

While I was at work yesterday, the HR chick came by to sign up one of my co-workers for his benefits. While she was there she let him know that he was out of dress code. He was wearing jean shorts and a polo shirt... but it wasn't a "logo" shirt (i.e. didn't have the logo of the company on it). I was also told a few days ago that if I was going to wear jeans that I also needed to have a logo shirt on. Sure, no problem. When she went by my desk yesterday she commented on how nice I looked (I was wearing some nice capri slacks, a tank with a short-sleeve sweater over the top and heeled sandals).

So today I was wearing the same slacks, a nice shirt and the same sandals. I was setting up at work getting ready for the day when my boss (from now on to be known as AssHat) came over and told me that I needed to go home because I was out of dress code.

Huh? Excuse me?

So according to AssHat, I need to be wearing a logo shirt every day. After all, if I worked at Subway I would be required to wear a Subway shirt, wouldn't I? (his words, not mine). Pardon me if I missed the memo, but I wasn't aware that I was working at a fast food franchise. He also informed me that he got his ass chewed out by said HR lady for not keeping his employees in dress code. So I said fine, please get me a shirt then. He informed me that he didn't have keys to that particular room and that I would have to wait until Monday. OK... I guess they don't trust him with much, do they? And keep in mind, this is the guy who, up until a month ago, was General Manager of all of the dealerships. I guess he got demoted because he was caught sleeping with the owners mistress (the same HR chick who complemented me on my outfit).

Confused yet? So was I. But basically what it boiled down to is that I get an extra day off. Hooray for me!!

What I don't understand is this... if you really did get your ass chewed, why wouldn't you then call your people together and make sure that everyone is on the same page regarding dress code? I mean, I've worn the exact same types of outfits for the month that I've worked there and not one word has been said to me until today. And, if I do really need a logo shirt, why didn't you inform me of that when I could actually get my hands on one? What are you? 10? Do managerial skills so allude you that this didn't cross your mind?

Mind blowing to say the least.

But, I have used this unexpected day off wisely (so far)... I have gotten laundry under control and I went riding this afternoon. Farmer is on his way back from Portland and I'm looking forward to spending some time with him tonight and tomorrow.

All in all, not a bad development...

To resume or not to resume? That is the question...

So, I've been working at the dealership for almost a month now. I got my first paycheck (whoo hoo) and was so happy to have money in my bank account again. I can now release Farmer's credit card back into the wild... thanks, babe!! Couldn't have survived the month without you!!

Anyway, as you might imagine, the car business is VERY slow right now. So slow, I'm wondering if I'll have a job much longer? After all, we only have 17 cars on the lot right now and that includes used cars. And as I am in a Chrystler dealership and they won't be starting production on any new cars until October, I'm a little worried as to what we will have for inventory over the next few months. Also, I'm not super jazzed about the hours. It's a tough schedule with only 2 nights off at 5pm (I'm here at 8:30am and off at 7pm) and my days off are split up. So with all my free time I've been applying to other places.

Does this seem like a bad idea? Farmer's opinion was to ride this out for a few months and get some money in the bank. I am totally for this idea. Money in the bank is a good thing. However, I'm concerned about being let go without any notice and being in the same position again. Although, I think I could handle it better without the BC interfering with my brain... but I don't want to risk it.

I was thinking of trying to find something I'll really like with hours that don't completely suck. I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing... applying to things that look good and keep coming to work until they lock me out.

Rejected...

OK... so, if you haven't figured out by now I have a bit of baggage that has followed me from past relationships. I'm like a scared little turtle unable to help from pulling her head back into her shell at any sign of trouble. And it might be a problem...

I would like to change this, however. So I make this pledge to you, my readers. No more will I let the fear of rejection hinder me. If I feel like doing something I will just do it. If, for some reason, it is not what the other person wants or needs at that moment, I will try not to go into over-obsession about it.

And when in doubt, I will refer to this blog. Not the best plan I've ever had but I'm going to give it a try...

Lost and found...

You never know what you might dig up in the lost and found box... could be an angora sweater just your size. Could be a crusty sock with a hole in the toe.

Rummaging around the lost and found box that is my brain, today is definitely a crusty sock kind of day...

The first item in the box is a random thought that hit me in the middle of the night. Farmer and I had been walking along the canal and I was talking about going riding. He said the reason he didn't want to was that the last time he was (and I quote) "in that frame of mind" he got bucked off. That is a reasonable statement. The thought that hit me later, however, was: what frame of mind was that exactly? According to him, very little goes on in that brain of his worth reporting. I felt like something was off... but he's so hard to read, who the hell knows. So... what frame of mind was he in? What was I picking up on so I can identify and tag for later scrutiny? I doubt I'll ever know. He has many wonderful traits... verbalization of feelings is not one of them. And I'm slowly learning to read the unsaid. But it's a hit or miss proposition sometimes.

The second item in the box is a puzzle that was presented to me, again, last night. (Last night was pretty eventful considering the fact that I didn't go out and didn't get any dinner and was in bed by 10pm. Anyway, I digress... ) So, Farmer and I had planned to ride on Sunday. However now that has gone by the wayside because the hay field has dried faster than expected and needs to be raked and baled tomorrow. So, I'm completely on my own for my day off... and I'm very disappointed and a little at a loss. I'm not upset at Farmer. His life is what it is. I'm just disappointed that we will not get that time together.

Does this make me needy? Wait, don't answer that...

So, now I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to be in the house all day again. I really haven't developed a network of friends here yet. I don't want to be alone. You see the problem... And now the crux of it. Normally when I move to a new place I network by hooking up with horsey type people and do horsey type things. However, I'm now torn about this. This is something that was going to be "our" thing... Farmer and I, that is. And I'm all for that. But I have no idea how to network now.

So I'm left with two opposing thoughts... 1. Go ahead and find those horsey people. Make those connections and have them waiting as back up in case something like this happens again, knowing that having them on last minute backup might not work... they could be busy too. 2. Go ahead and find those horsey people. Make my own plans and if Farmer can join in, great. And if not, I'm not left feeling like the bastard step-child that has no life.

I'm sure the answer for this particular problem is somewhere in the middle... just not sure where. And I really don't know how Farmer feels about it. And I'm sure he'll say some such crap like "do whatever you need to do" and it will piss me off. I was so happy to hear that he wanted horsey things to be things we do together... I'm just not quite sure what to do when life interferes with what we had planned and something that I was looking forward to. So... I'm feeling pretty lost.

I'm hoping to be found soon...

(On a complete side note... I am at work right now and the boss is still drunk and outside waving at people passing by singing at the top of his lungs. BigGuy is hung-over at his desk. GQ is egging the boss on in his singing. TooTall has his computer playing really bad country music so loud that I can barely think straight. It's going to be an interesting and very long day...)

Get 'er done...

I was lamenting to Farmer the other night about getting screwed out of a car sale.

A woman called on the phone last Saturday looking for a particular jeep. I didn't have exactly what she was looking for, but I had something that might work instead. She made an appointment to come in and see it the following Monday.

The car I had that might work was on the lot in Walla Walla. My boss lives up there and commutes down and said that he would drive the car down on Monday morning so it was here when they showed up bright and early. I texted him the car info so he would have it when he went to get it on Monday.

So Monday comes and BossMan is running late. In the meantime, my customers have showed up and are anxious to see the car. Then BossMan pulls in... in not the car that he should have been driving. WTF? When I asked him where the car is, he said he couldn't remember which one it was... Then call me, you idiot.

So, my customers are pissed that I didn't deliver and left. Later I found out that they ended up driving to Walla Walla and buying the car there. So, it could have been a sale for me, but instead the money will be lining someone else's pockets.

And when I told Farmer this, he just looked at me and said "You should have gone and got the car yourself". At first this pissed me off. I mean, c'mon. I was looking for reinforcement of my (what I thought) was justifiable rage. Instead I got common sense. Who the hell wants that when I'm ranting about how I got screwed. But now I see that he is right. I know he would have got it done. And it's a trait that I really admire about him.

So from now on I'm taking the bull by the horns and getting 'er done...

PS... I feel like crap today and am now going to make my way home and crawl into bed... I hate this time of the month!!

Double-edged sword...

When I started this blog I was using it as a way to put out there the crazy that goes on in my head so I didn't have to listen to it anymore. Seemed like a good idea. Plus it might help someone else out along the way. I know sometimes I feel like I am the only person who feels this way. It's always nice to know that you are not alone.

Anyway, I try to write without any censor. Whatever comes to my head goes on the page. End of story. And it's nice to put any ol' feeling down and come back later and examine what I was thinking at any given time. But it has become a double-edged sword...

Let's take yesterday, for instance. Apparently Farmer wasn't feeling well. He knew he wasn't feeling well because later in the day he told me that he could have told me Saturday that he wouldn't be feeling that great on Sunday. However, when I asked him if he was OK, I got the stock answer of "I'm fine". So, I figured he was, indeed, fine. But he was kind of snappy and not super talkative. Both of which I pointed out to him... but he was still "fine". So, now I'm wondering if it's just me he has an issue with. And then I immediately become paranoid that I'm somehow having a relapse of BC craziness. And I'm also afraid to blog about it because I don't want to come across paranoid (even here) and have him think we're going back in time.

For the most part I am a sane person. When I ask him what he's doing or where he's going it's because I mostly just want to be included... not because I think he's doing something he shouldn't. But I now feel like I'm possibly displaying paranoia by asking. I am now paranoid of being paranoid. I want him to relax and be himself. I know he's still on guard because of earlier episodes associated with the BC and is waiting for the "real" me to come out and play again. I've tried to explain that the "real" me is now here but I'm not sure he's buying it.

Anyway, so now I have this issue... Like I want to write about the little nagging voice and what it says, but I don't want Farmer thinking I've gone back to the dark side. See? I'm obsessing about it. Most likely because I haven't been writing about it. So, I am now going to turn this blog over to my inner voice. Fasten your seat belts everyone... it's going to be a bumpy ride.

And I'll begin with yesterday. So, what about Farmer's actions yesterday were such a big deal? Big deal is the wrong word. But it was frustrating. I want to know how he is and how he's feeling... otherwise I just wouldn't give a shit and I wouldn't ask. I mean I tell him (for the most part) every little thing that is going on with me. I would like some reciprocation. Is that too much to ask? He said he took the question to mean was everything fine with us. OK... I guess we have a mars/venus thing going but, seriously! I will ask about us by asking hey is everything OK with us. However, if I ask if he's OK, what I'm really asking (hold on folks) is if HE is OK. I know... tough concept to grasp.

So we kind of get through that little discussion and he starts saying some shit like he needs to make adjustments to fit my needs. Now, I get the fact that there is a certain amount of compromise that happens when 2 independent people try to combine their lives. And for him it's probably even more of an adjustment because he has never done the live-in thing before. But back up the truck a minute... don't do something just because it's what you think I want. Dear lord! I can not deal with that again. I completely ruined EJ because he was trying to be what he thought I wanted him to be. It was disaster. I ran over the top of him and then backed up and did it again... it was NOT pretty.

I tried to explain this... not sure if I was getting through or not. Sometimes I feel like I need a man/woman translator to get him to understand what I'm trying to say. Yes, I'd like to hear what is going on with him. I would like to feel like there are 2 people inputting into this relationship. I, also, am aware of the fact that he would never think about ANY of this if I weren't around. I know that men are not the types to sit around and dither over these kinds of things. But, when I ask him what he wants from the relationship and I get nothing but a blank stare... Really? No opinion on this whatsoever? And here is where my worry of running things over rears its ugly head. Because EJ didn't have a clue as to what he wanted either. Did I mention what a mess I made out of that one?

Am I paranoid? Maybe. Is this the BC crazy talking? Nope. This one is all me. How can 2 people figure out where they are going if one person in the relationship doesn't have a clue as to where he wants it to go? With just me driving we are guaranteed to go into the ditch. So, the bottom line is... I am afraid. Am I consumed with it? No. But it's there in the back of my mind.

And now it is here.

So my hope is that if it's here, it will no longer be there...

Mixed bag...

Blah is the word of the day. I'm tired. Farmer isn't feeling well... There is no motivation anywhere in sight.

Lots of changes... lots of new things to adjust to. This schedule is not very friendly. Just when you are feeling like you might be heading over the hill to restfulness and recovery, instead of another day off you're heading back to work. I know it doesn't sound like it should be a big deal... but it's kicking my ass at this point.

But don't get me wrong. I am very grateful to have a job. It's just an adjustment.

It seems life has settled into a bit of a routine, so that should help. I think the fact that I'm not home constantly has taken the pressure off of Farmer. I think he was struggling to find that balance between work and me, and I don't want him to feel like he has to choose. Problem solved... right now I'm not home much. I wonder if that will eventually become an issue. Let me just say that if a job with decent pay and a friendlier schedule comes along I'm going to take a hard look.

I'm feeling like not having 2 days off in a row is kind of a problem. I'm too tired to really do anything and I feel like other things are going to the wayside a bit. For instance... I really wanted to ride today. Instead I'm laying in bed writing. I'm just too damn tired at this point to get out there and do it. I'm thinking that maybe I need to try to ride on the days that I'm off early. At least when I'm coming off of work (at 5pm... not 7pm) I feel like I've got a bit of energy left. Tomorrow is one of those days, so we'll see how I'm feeling when I get off.

Sold...

It was a crazy day at work yesterday. Many ups and downs.... drama, galore. Welcome to the business of car sales. One day you can be picking your nose and hoping that you make it through the day without a nap. The next you're running around like a chicken with your head cut off hoping that you get it all done and make some money doing it. Crazy stuff...

So, the day started off pretty much how the rest of the week went. Not much going on. Then... shit hit the fan. A customer called in looking for a car and wanted to know if we had that make and model. We did. She was ready to buy over the phone and have it shipped to her. As I was wrapping up the paperwork she happened to ask if it was a 4x4. It was not. Deal busted... and I was so sad. That was going to be my first.

Then the boss-man starts sending out inventory to the other store. He happens to send out a van that I had a couple coming in to look at. When they arrive, boss gets on the phone and tells the person delivering the van to the other store to turn around and bring it back. In the mean-time I start pre-qualifying these people so we're ready to rock and roll when the van finally arrives. At first they were thinking about trading in their other van on the cash-for-clunkers deal (from here on out referred to as cfc). We run all the numbers and get it set up. Then they decide they're going to keep their van and just put more money down. They want to know how much they need to put down in order to keep their payment around $300. So I go ask the boss. He says, try $10,000 to start. So I walk over and say... $10,000 ought to do it. They say to me... who do we make the check out to? It was all I could do to not giggle with glee. Instead I kept my "business as usual" game face on. Or what I image that face looks like...

So, the couple who wanted the van patiently waited for almost an hour and a half until the van reappeared. They took it for a test drive and loved it. Now, at the same time this was happening all of the other sales guys (3 of them) were in the midst of sales themselves. So, when we got back from the demo we were 4th in line to get them in with the financial guy and get the paperwork done. The couple first arrived at around 4:15pm. At this time it's around 6:45pm. Luckily for us, there is a restaurant right next door. I tell them to go get dinner and that I'd come and get them if we needed them for anything.

So, now it's 7:45pm and we're still waiting for our turn with the finance guy (I was off at 7pm). At 8:10pm we finally get them in and signing paperwork. At 9:05pm I see them out the door and they drive off in their brand new van... happy as can be.

And I just made a bunch of money. What a rush...

All told, I made just under $100 an hour for my day. Not bad... not bad at all.

New or used car anyone?

Well... it's officially my second week at work. The first week was quite the experience... Let me just say that selling cars is not for everyone.

The best thing I can think of to describe my working environment is a boy's locker room. I had no idea that men gossiped so much. They'll talk about almost anything or anyone. Quite the eye-opener... I have now seen and heard about things that I never knew existed (nor did I want to know, for that matter). I would give you examples, but there is just no way to describe these things without providing brain bleach and counseling... seriously.

It's a good thing, as well, that I have no problem just being tossed out there to fend for myself. Training has been scarce at this point in the operation. I basically go out there and do it like I think I should be and then I listen to all the things I did wrong and what to do when that situation comes along next time. I would like to point out that those things would have been nice to know in the first place, but it's like talking to a wall... what's the point?

However, if I can get the hang of it I think it's something that I'll actually enjoy and eventually even be good at. So far I haven't managed to close a deal... but not for lack of trying. I mean, it's not my fault that someone with crappy credit thinks that $750/month payment for a new 1-ton truck is unreasonable. Not much I can do about that...

The good news is that there is guaranteed monthly pay with commission thrown on top. For that I'm willing to stick it out and see how it goes...

No regrets...

Bff posed an interesting question to me last night. She was wondering if I had regrets on how things went with the Biologist in light of finding out how paranoid and crazy the BC was making me. An interesting question, indeed...

I think, perhaps that we probably would have lasted longer and perhaps even made it out on our long ride... but the Biologist was not made for monogamy. Plain and simple. I know for a fact he cheated on me and that is a big no-no. I don't like sharing. End of story.

So, even though the journey might have been different for us, the story still would have ended the same way.

The bottom line is... I am very happy where I am and who I am with. I'm hoping there is a "happily ever after" at the end of this story.

No mas...

So, Farmer and I have been having a really good week together. Things were back to normal (for us) and clicking along just fine.

Then I started back up on BC again. I had taken it 2 days when all of a sudden I was in weird, freak out mode again. So... that's it. I'm heading to the doctor to figure out some other method of BC. I can't take the chemical imbalance that this shit puts me in.

Farmer, I'm sure, is heaving a huge sigh of relief.

Right now I'm on some generic monophasic pill. It'll be interesting to see what I end up on instead.

Click...

As most of you know, I have been literally pounding the pavement for a job. On Friday I actually drove around town looking for help wanted signs. That's how desperate I was getting.

Yesterday after harassing Farmer (yet again) I decided to come inside and check out the internet and newspapers to see if anything new had popped up. And a few things had. There was a job as a bartender and a local car dealership was looking for a salesperson.

Now, I have tended bar before... that is how I got myself through college. And it was good money but super crappy hours. While everyone else is out partying on a Saturday night, you're working because Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights are when the money and tips come in. Tending bar was kinda down my list of things to do because with Farmer getting up at 4am and me coming home at 4am, we'd be like ships passing in the night. However, I was willing to do it because I needed a job. ANY job. So, I went down to the bar and filled out an application. There were 2 other people filling out aps at the same time... *sigh*

I also decided that the sales thing might work out as well. They were offering a base plus commission (so no pressure) and it's only about 20 minutes away from the house. Because there is no traffic here, I can live with that. So I gathered up my newly revised resume and headed out to the dealership where I was to ask for Brandon or Mike.

I found Mike. He was busy wrapping up a sale so I had a seat and decided to wait it out. After all, I wanted to make a good impression. After 20 minutes or so, Mike came over to chit-chat with me. And I mean, literally chit-chat. The only pertinent thing he asked me is why I thought I could sell cars. My answer? Because I can walk up to anyone and start up a conversation (thank you dad). After that it was all just random life stuff. Where you from? What do you like to do? Blah, blah, blah. After Mike, another guy came over to chat with me. I didn't catch his name but it was more of the same. No real questions, just... chatting. After that it was the general manager. He did ask me if I had any sales background (yes). And then we were on to the store owner. Same thing. No real questions... just chatting.

And then he dropped a bombshell. He looked me in the eye and told me "What the hell... I think I'll give you a shot. When can you start?"

I about fell out of my chair. I mean I hadn't even handed over my resume yet. I asked him if he wanted to see it but he said no. Just based on talking to me he thought I could do really well as a salesperson. There are not many women who do this apparently, and the ones that do usually make very good money.

So finally I am employed!! I can't tell you the huge weight that this has lifted off my shoulders. I literally felt the universe click back into place and everything return to normal. It's been a rough few weeks, but I feel like if we can weather this that we'll be OK in the long run.

As my granny always says: This life, it ain't for sissies...