Friday, January 14, 2011

Screw you and the horse you rode in on...

OK... I'll admit it. I'm a tad cranky. Things are still not squared away at the house... The dryer keeps tripping the breaker still. The hot water is spotty, at best. The electric bill is OOC (out of control) and I'm stressed out about my truck and trailer and where it's permanent parking spot is going to be since the jackass next door won't let me park it in the very empty lot. Oh, and still no money from CPSL and the deal for Aspen fell through.

(deep, long suffering sigh)

But, despite all this I had one bright spot in my sad, little life. OK, fine. Two. RR is always a bright spot, but that doesn't count. I'm talking about the horse drill team I had met up with this summer. They finally called and wanted me to join the team and I was very excited to finally find a riding group here on the coast. Finally.

So, on Saturday I filled up my truck tank (at a whopping $3.17/gal) and then proceeded to defy death by driving up a very narrow "highway" to a town called Siletz. If you know it, then you also know it's another 4 miles once you've passed hell. Seriously. It took a hell of a long time to get there and it's only 28 miles away from my humble little coastal town.

When I showed up I was berated for not showing up on time. Of course, not one of those bimbos warned me that it was a death-defying drive where the top speed is around 25mph. And even though MapQuest assured me it would take only 34 minutes it took more like an hour.

So right off the bat I wasn't impressed with this group, but I decided that I was there and I might as well saddle up and ride. But first I had to park. I was told to pull up along a gravel road which had grass bordering it. So I did. But, of course, being the type that doesn't want to hog the road, I pulled over to the side so people could get by, which put my wheels on the grass about an inch. The lead bimbo came running up to tell me that I was ruining her grass but that it was fine "this one time". Again. Not impressed. At. All. But I was there and I wanted to ride.

So, I pulled Elmo out of the trailer and got him saddled up. Then I grabbed my bridle and proceeded to walk over to the arena. I stood by the gate to let Elmo get accustomed to the arena and so I could see what type of riders I was dealing with. While I was standing there, the LB (lead bimbo) rode over and asked me, quite rudely, if I needed help getting the gate open. I wanted to slap her off her horse. Instead I just put on a smug smile and politely informed her that I thought I could manage the gate all by myself. I think the dripping sarcasm was lost on her...

Once Elmo and I got riding it got better. Mostly because of the fact that I could ride on the opposite side of the arena away from LB. But once the practice got started both Elmo and I had to put up with LB ramming her idiotic horse into us. Elmo finally got fed up and bit her horse on the ass. Worked for me. I was wishing he would bite his rider in the ass too... but I haven't figured out how to train that quite yet. Sure would've been handy...

Then my horse did the unthinkable!! He pooped. In. The. Arena. OMG...

LB about had a coronary. After all, it's her precious arena he just pooped in. And all I can think while this is going on is that these people are bat-shit crazy. It's an arena. They are horses. Poop is gonna happen. It's not like the footing was this amazing stuff that had to be maintained. It was SAND. Seriously. Sand. And not even special sand. Just... sand.

At that point practice was over and I couldn't get off 'Mo and unsaddled fast enough. While I was unsaddling at my trailer, LB came over and informed me that it would cost me $5 for the privilege to ride in her arena... oh, and she made sure to tell me that that was a reduced rate because I was there as part of the drill team.

My head exploded. Right. There. All over her precious grass.

As I was driving home I decided to chalk the whole experience up to me PMSing and decided to give it one more try. They were doing practice every other Saturday. However, yesterday I got a phone call from LB informing me that she needed my address so she could send me the rider requirements since I didn't seem to meet them in the first practice. Excuse me?

At that point I was done. I didn't return the call. However, LB is persistent. She called again today. And I couldn't help myself... I had to know what else she could possibly say to make herself sound even more stupid.

And, boy, was I in for a treat...

She was calling to tell me about all the work I needed to do in order to "try out" in the spring for their "elite" team... even though they can't get just 4 riders to commit to riding. Gee, I wonder why?

I almost peed myself trying not to laugh. And told her, politely, to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. And then hung up on her.

End of story. Or so I thought...

LB then called a few hours later. This time I didn't pick up. She left a message saying how she wanted to inform me of their "strict" standards and that she didn't mean to hurt my feelings. My head hit the desk so hard I actually knocked myself out.

If LB had been able to ride at all, I might understand their "strict" standards. But seeing that she couldn't even ride a straight line I'm thinking that their standards aren't as high as LB thinks they are. That woman was a bitch. No other way to say it.

Needless to say, I won't be returning that phone call or bothering to ride with them ever again...


  1. Ooooh lets have a bitchfest, shall we? I am totally cranky too, sick kid, dad with cancer, Hillary's horse showing up in a couple days, but at least I believe in Tinkerbell.

  2. What a bitch!!! Ew. Gotta admit I laughed all the way through this. Glad you're not dealing with that crew any more. I might have punched her right in her sparkle princess face.

  3. I was just waiting for them to break out the "jazz hands"... crazy!!

  4. been reading for a while.. first time to post but could not help myself.. LB (and others like her) are THE reason my mare and I ride at home only.. my mare is 18 this year and puts up with less poop than I can.. I say GOOD for Elmo with the correction bite...a few weeks ago while saddling said mare, 13 year old son did not listen to me when I asked him to move.. so Mare took her LIPS ONLY and MOVED him and he is very respectful these days.. I LOVE horses..
    I thoroughly enjoy your blog and adventures.. with 4 kids -3 of them at home- I have few "adventures" that do not involve children..

  5. Gotta say not only do I like your blog, but I LOVE your attitude....I joined a trail riding group and for awhile it was fun.
    Then it got boring and so much like I was riding on a trail string of dead ponies nose to butt, stop and go. Most of the ladies were so scared of even their own horses they absolutely insisted of "no running!" and "don't pass me, my horse will freak!". So me and my sister started to bring our own booze on the saddle to liven things up for us...needless to say WE HAD FUN.
    Although I'm sure we were talked about I could care less. WE still talk about it!!!
    If you can't have fun with your horse than why ride?? I believe some of the ladies cringe when they see us pull up, but hey, we pay our dues and if you don't like us, then move outta our way!

    (in no way do I support drinking and riding,..... unless you have an absolutely great horse, great seat and a sister to laugh your ass off with)

  6. Wish you guys were here!! Sounds like my type of trail ride ;)

  7. GeezLouise. Ever try praying to Jesus? He'll fix you-up reeel quick, girl. God bless you profusely. The way this whorizontal world's going? See ya soon Upstairs HeeHee Love you.