Update: Zoe (aka Aspen)

I have had a few "rescue" horses go through my care and I do my best to keep tabs on them. About a year ago I placed Aspen (now known as Zoe) with a lovely lady down in Southern Oregon who is having an absolute blast with her.

Pictures like this are why I continue to save horses, 1 at a time...

Don't they look like they are having fun? Makes me want to get started with Goodwin. 

Soon. Very soon...

Do you believe?

I posted a question to Facebook the other day that got some interesting responses...

Do you believe in true love?

I used to. Unequivocally. Absolutely.

Now? I'm just not sure. I really thought I had found it with Rebel. We had everything I could want. Chemistry? Check. Compatibility? Check. Fun? Check, check, check. I always imagined my true love as someone who I could do grow old with and always and forever enjoy being around them. And they around me.

But we had that and for him it wasn't enough. He wanted the "butterflies" feeling and I never provided that. However, to me the "butterflies" thing speaks more to lust than of love. That feeling is fleeting in my experience and then what are you left with?

Damn this relationship stuff is hard.

I guess true love is both people finding exactly what they are looking for. Regardless of what that is...

Alarm clocks...

I have several types of alarm clocks to help me get up in the morning.

I have the standard one that came on my iPhone. It's pleasant enough, goes off at 6:30am (never later and never sooner), wakes me up gently and is easy to turn off. All things I find important in an alarm clock.

I also have the canine version of this same contraption. However, I'm not such a fan of this version. It's not very pleasant because it's whining and shaking it's dog tags, it goes off anywhere between 5am and 7am (and never the same time every day), it jars me out of my sleep quite rudely and there is no off button. Needless to say, I am not a fan...

Are you up yet?

What about now?

Still not up yet. Should I whine louder?

And as bad as they are, they are not nearly as bad as the horses. As soon as Storm or Flash sees movement in the house (be it me or the dogs) they start hollering about breakfast. In their opinion, any time I waste on oh, I don't know, putting on clothes and boots, is a waste of time in their opinion.

Feed me. Now.

I seriously need to start considering training all of these pains in my butt about a little thing called "the weekend". Sleeping in once in a while would be nice.

Happy Friday, all. Enjoy your weekend...

Living for today...

As you know, this is easier said than done. But you never know when your number is up. So it's important to make sure that every day you live is one that you'll be proud of...

Clown had some workers in his house today. They found that his chimney was in such bad shape that it had been dumping C02 in his basement since he bought his house. He's lucky to not be sick. And even luckier to be alive. He had no clue...

So, even though today is just another random Wednesday in my life I'm going to try to make it count.

The same goes for tomorrow. And the day after that...

Farmer turns 30...

Hard to believe that my dearest friend Farmer is 30 today. Although it does remind me that 40 is not that far away for me...

*gag*

Help me wish him a most awesome birthday, won't you?

Enjoy popping those balloons...

And don't say I never got you anything ;)

Seize the day (or the weekend)...

So, having put the past firmly behind me (Rebel included) I decided my theme for this weekend was Seize The Day.

Good theme, don't ya think?

So, on Friday night I met up with HillBill, Bow, Jewel, Haynet and Gold and knocked back a few. After that I went to see the movie "This Means War". I loved it. How can you go wrong with Chris Pine?

*Sigh*

Man, I loved him in StarTrek too.

*sigh*

OK, moving on.

On Saturday morning, I met up with Hutch and Bow and we took the horses out for a ride at the Tumalo Reservoir. It was a nice (but cold) day. And a fun ride...

That's me in the back. Does Flash look like a Yeti is riding him?

I will admit, I was a tad bundled up. That's Hutch riding Anna ahead of us.

After the ride, I met up with PT for our usual Saturday night Scotch and Sushi. We decided to diversify a little and go to the symphony as well. For a volunteer, small-town symphony I quite enjoyed it.

On Sunday, Bow and I helped Jewel move to her new place. Boy, is it nice. I'm kinda jealous. Later that day I went out for a 10 mile ride on Flash. We found some new trails which were awesome. And we came across a few other people out riding, as well.

View from the new trail...

A random wreath and snow man out in the middle of nowhere...

PT from the weekend before. Just thought I'd throw it in there...

On Sunday night I met up with friends and had dinner at the Bend Burger Company. It was so yummy in my tummy. By the time I went to bed last night I was totally pooped. It was a good weekend, but a very full one.

Hopefully today won't be too bad of a Monday. I'm not quite sure I'm awake yet...

Moving on...

Last night I had dinner with Rebel. He had something to tell me and wanted to say it in person.

He is moving to Central America. For good. Not coming back (unless to visit). Moving...

He has sold everything (and gave me his washer/dryer) and has a few things to store at his sister's place. But everything else that doesn't fit into a suitcase is gone. House, shop, truck, trailers, toys. Everything. Gone. And he looked so excited and happy while he was telling me about his grand plan that I couldn't be anything but happy and excited for him. But I will miss him...

The other nice thing about dinner last night was that I was able to get a few of the endless questions answered. And I feel a lot better about the break-up. So even though I was hesitant to accept his dinner request, I am glad I went. I think we will continue to be friends...

And if nothing else, I have a place to stay when I vacation down South of the Border...

I must say, there is a small part of me that envies him. Just leaving everything behind and starting over somewhere completely different has a certain draw. But I love where I live and I love my fur kids. So even though it is a nice dream, that is what it will stay. A dream. 

For now...

Acquiring a kitty...

I'm seriously considering adding to my little herd of kids... er, animals... and getting a cat. I've always had cats and I kinda miss having one around.

You want me...

 

It would definitely be an indoor/outdoor kind of thing. I don't do litter boxes. But there are so many kitties out there it might be good to give one a home. The pups don't mind having cats around and I know I would enjoy it too.

Decisions, decisions...

The final thread...

Last night I finally went and got my stuff from Rebel's house.

A part of me was very glad he wasn't home. I'm not sure I was ready to deal with that.

However, another part of me wanted to see him so I could put to rest all of the questions that keep bubbling to the surface.

It went the way it was supposed to go. The final thread has been severed and it is over.

*sigh*

I'm hoping this will be cathartic and that the sadness will start to ebb...

A dainty Daisy...

Today is Daisy's 12th birthday. And she is still going strong.

When she's not napping...

Man, I love that dog.

The wrong type of love affair...

Has anyone else seen the show "My Strange Addiction"? That show is seriously messed up. Seriously.

There was one guy they featured who was having an intimate affair... with his car. He would actually crawl under the car and have "sex" with it. I'm not sure how. They didn't go into details (thank goodness).

But really... a car?

Can you imagine how that break-up conversation would go?

Man: I'm sorry, but it's just not working out.

Car: Why? Am I not shiny or fast enough anymore? Why don't you love me?

Man: I don't know. I want something that is pearl white, not forest green. It's time to make a change.

Car: Now what?

Man: Well, I'm selling you...
Car: (dumps all the fluids in the driveway)

I guess there is no accounting for taste...

Moments of weakness...

I almost gave in to it last night. Somehow I held strong (by curling up in the fetal position and making sure my phone was no where near me).

I wanted to text Rebel last night and tell him I missed him (not that I want to be back with him, just that I miss him). I'm glad I didn't. But I wonder why I am having such a hard time with this particular break-up? I think it has something to do with the fact that I never saw it coming. I am still kicking myself for going on and on about how great our relationship was only to have him turn to me and let me know he wasn't that into it. I dither between utter pissed-offness and stark humiliation.

*sigh*

It's unfortunate that there isn't an "off" button for feelings. That would be very handy right about now...

Random encounters...

Sometimes you end up somewhere and you just wonder "how the hell did I get here?"

I had one of those last night. HillBill gave me a call around 7pm to see if I wanted to do dinner. We texted back and forth and couldn't figure out where to go, so we just drove downtown and ended up at a dive bar called Corey's.

As with most dive bars, it had its share of local drunks. HillBill and I sat at the end of the bar and just basically minded our own business until Pat showed up and sat down next to me. He was three sheets to the wind and whining loudly about how his girlfriend was down in Mexico cheating on him... he was sure of it.

Friendly (and sometimes not-so-friendly) banter ensued. He bought my dinner and bought a round of drinks. HillBill and I laughed our butts off. It was good to get out of the house.

Thanks Pat. It was an unexpected laugh. And I needed that...

It's always today...

No matter what day of the week it is. No matter the date on the calendar. No matter what year. It is always today...

And the sun always rises...

 

Breaking the stalemate...

What stalemate you ask? The one where you call or text or email the ex first. 

I gotta be honest. I don't want it to be me...

Maybe I'm being kinda dumb, but my reasoning goes something like this:

He broke my heart. I didn't break his... 


He should be the one to reach out first and see how things are. It's the least he could do after completely trashing my poor heart. Plus, even though I need to go round up some odds and ends from his place, I'm just not ready. Yet. Maybe in a few more days. I do want to be friends, but I shouldn't have to be the one to pursue that friendship. If he wants it, it's up to him to make it happen.

Am I being stubborn? Probably. Do I care? Not really...

And though it's been tempting to reach out, I just have to remember how it felt that night and the feeling passes quickly. I refuse to be like his former ex and act like a spoiled 5-year-old. I'm better than that. Really.

Too bad he just couldn't see it...

A sobering thought...

My goal the last few days has been to spend as little time alone as possible. In pursuit of that goal, Friday night I went out with Jewel, Hutch, Goldie, HillBill and Bow. They were all commiserating with me about how much it sucks that Rebel and I are no longer together. But they were also trying to make me realize that it's time to wrap up the pity party. To that end, one of them offered this gem of advise:

Nothing lasts forever...

I know they were talking about the shitty way I feel. But think about it. It's true. Nothing does last forever. We are in a constant state of change. Forever moving through this life (whether we want to or not).

Maybe it's a good thing that I'm just kind of over it right now. Because that realization would just be more sadness if I were in a better frame of mind. I used to love to think about finding the one that would love me forever (and I, him). I'm not saying that you can't find something that will last a lifetime (and maybe beyond)... but it's not going to be the same thing throughout your life (or theirs). It will change. But like my sister says... you either grow together or you grow apart. Either way though, you're growing.

It's just the way it is...

OK... enough of that. I can't deal with any more depressing thoughts today. Instead I will talk about my weekend.

On Friday night, I got together with the girls. That was great. On Saturday, I spent the morning with Bow and Jewel getting hay. I went and got the first load. We dropped part of it off at Jewel's new place. And then Bow and I went and dropped the rest of the first load at my house. I then went to pick up the second load. It ended up staying on the truck and because it was such a nice day, PT came over and we took the horses out for a ride. Both Jag and Flash had a blast. Jag is really starting to get a crush on Flash... it's kinda cute.

After a good ride, I went to PT's to sample some Scotch. It's amazing how much different they all are depending on where they were made, how long they aged, what type of barrel or cask they were in. After that, it was off to the sushi place to eat a rude amount of rolls.

On Sunday morning, I unloaded the last of the hay (by myself... *sigh*) and then it was off to play the Fazio course with PT. We were both amazed at what an amazing course it was. On the 8th hole there is even this very cool lava tube that goes back about a 1/2 of a mile. It was crazy...

The lava tube...

Too bad we didn't have a flashlight. It would have been fun to explore...

Checking it out...

PT on the green above the lava tube...

We had a great time. And I actually played really well, too. Which is amazing because I think I played once last year and this is the first time I've been out this year. I can't hit the ball very far, but I do hit it straight...

Getting a good hit off the tee...

A sample of what the course was like. Yes, that is a giant sand trap...

We got off the course at about halftime for the Super Bowl. We decided to hang out at the bar and finish out the game. And it was a good game. I'm glad I didn't blow it off completely...

So, even though I'm still struggling I'm glad I was so busy. I have good friends.

Also, I have a little bonus treat for you. As promised, some pictures from our show last weekend. I think for the most part we don't look too bad. And we both had fun...

Flash and I lining up...

Hutch and Anna following Flash and I...

Hutch and Anna...

For some reason Flash looks really downhill here...

Flash and Anna being good little ponies...

Pity party for one...

I have been informed by numerous sources that my pity party for one is rapidly reaching it's expiration date.

It's too bad, really. I prefer to wallow in self-depreciation and depression for a while before picking myself up and moving on. And as Flip Flop and El Dub are on vacation I haven't even had the opportunity to cry to my mommy yet.

*sigh*

I think the tears are about done. Well, I hope they are anyway. I'm tired of looking puffy.

And even though sleep hasn't been easy, it has been had in fits and starts (just ignore the drool on the keyboard). And food has been consumed, even though I didn't really feel like it. Bff insisted. I guess she doesn't want me to get in the habit of not eating again...

But it's definitely going to be a while before I consider dating again. This one hurt. Bad. More than the bruise on my shin from my metal stirrup banging into it. And you know how painful shin bruises are...

Plus, I have a full schedule coming up. I really want to have a successful endurance season and I know Flash is excited to get back into it as well (I know because when I let him choose the pace and distance of our rides he totally goes for it). There is a mini-vaca to the ocean this month. Vegas in a few months. BooBoo's wedding. Many races. And some exotic (read that "warm") destination for my 40th. Who knows, maybe for my 40th I'll have a "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" kind of vacation. Anything is possible...

So, time to focus on what is. Not what could have been.

Not easy. But the party is almost over...

I wonder...

Being the over-thinker that I am, I'm wondering a lot of things right now. But the one that I keep coming back to is this:

I wonder if I got my one chance at happiness and couldn't close the deal.

My faith in love, and in being able to find it again, is shaken. To the core, possibly...

Bff and I were having what is now the most ironic conversation the other day. I was telling her how incredibly lucky I was to have finally found what I was looking for in love. She was expressing to me how great it was that I kept putting myself out there and that finding him was the reward. She knew how happy I was, too...

But maybe the truth is that it is too late. Perhaps I should have tried harder to make things with the Ex-hub work (although it's really hard when you're the only one trying). I just don't know.

I know there are some of you out there reading this that are probably astounded at the rate I seem to go through partners. Maybe I deserve some of what I'm getting. I don't know.

I really just feel kinda hopeless at this point. And defeated. Very defeated...

Blindsided...

"I'm just not falling for you".

Six words. My whole world changed.

24 hours ago I thought I had it all. Turns out it was a fantasy. Rebel let me know that he was happy being with me and that we had fun together and that we had chemistry... but that it wasn't enough. He just wasn't falling for me.

I didn't know what to say. I still don't.

Even now, as I sit here, the question that keeps popping to mind is "why?". Why wasn't it good enough? Why didn't I see it coming? Why now? Why? Why? Why?

If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said that we had a long future together. What did I miss? I just don't get it. I really don't. Sure, he hadn't said he loved me yet, but to me the actions said "I really care a lot" and this early on that was fine by me.

I was really, really happy.

And now I am not.

I am hurt. And raw. And tired. And really doubting myself.

And that is a shitty place to be...