Songs...

I think I have found the song that really says it all right now:

The Power of Goodbye by Madonna

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

For now, that about says it all. I had a weird day today... but that post will have to wait. I'm too emotionally fried to type it all out tonight. Suffice it to say that after a fairly decent night's sleep what once was numb is now fresh again.

So not fair...

The question...

Bff asked me an interesting question the other day... she does this a lot, by the way. It's one of the reasons I keep her around :)

Oh yeah... the question. It was: why are you staying in that area if you and Farmer are done? (and just for the record she thinks that should be a permanent predicament). There are a couple of reasons why.

1. I actually like the area. True, I liked Bend better but I can afford to live here (land is reasonably cheap and I hope to be in the market next year if my house in Idaho ever sells for a profit). The river is close by. The mountains and really great riding are close by. It's a good mix of what Bend and Idaho had to offer without me having to live in Idaho. A win/win. If I moved back to the Portland area (which my mom and bff would love) I would have to sell Elmo and Aspen and board Flash in order to have them anywhere near my vicinity... unless I found something to rent but then that would require a job there and... well, you get the point.

2. There is a riding group here that I'm really looking forward to riding with. I have told Farmer that if he has a light day that I would be more than happy to saddle a horse and throw it in the trailer for him so he can just come on down and ride. Only he can decide if he's got the time, though. I'm done worrying about it. For me riding is a must and I have not been getting enough ride time in to suit my sanity. Ex-hub can tell you all about that... when I would get really cranky he would toss me outside and tell me not to come back until I had ridden.

3. I have a job here. OK, granted... it's not a great job but it is a job. And it gives me time to look for something else since we basically have no customers. Again... a win/win. Although I did sell 2 cars this weekend, so maybe things are looking up.

4. And I probably shouldn't mention this one but I just type what's on my mind... so here goes. I'm hoping that down the road that with some space, some counseling (on my part) and some time that Farmer and I will revisit this relationship. Even he said in a perfect world we were a perfect match and I agree. We (or maybe just I) need to get some shit taken care of. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not giving up on the idea just yet. Right now I'm just enjoying the company. It's relaxed and easy... except when bedtime comes but that's a whole other can of worms.

Those seem like good reasons to me. I didn't necessarily mention #4 to bff but she'll come around. I know it's very hard for her to see me suffering. She wants me to be happy and drama-free. I think that could happen with Farmer and I... but somewhere down the road. Right now I really need to get my ex's and my marriage put to bed, permanently. After talking to ex-hub again yesterday I realize that a lot of that baggage is still right at the surface.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get that dealt with... soon.

My enemy...

So... it's been a long and very rough week. Just when I think I'm doing OK something will completely blindside me and I'm a wreck once again. I think the fact that I'm basically getting only 1 or 2 real hours of sleep a night is really making it difficult to get through this. But I am the type of person who has a hard time turning off my brain once things are dark and quiet. This is the hardest time for me.

If I could just skip this portion of the program on a daily basis I would be in a much better place. It about rips my heart out of my chest every time I watch him head off to bed alone... and seems none the worse for wear or even missing what once was laying by his side. For me, this is the time I dread. I retreat to my room and try to speed the tears along so I can, once again, get on with living. I would love to get on with sleeping as well but that still seems to be alluding me. Just as I will start to drift some thought will run through my head unbidden and then the cycle begins all over again.

I know it's just going to take time, but geez!! Can we just get on with it already? I'm tired of hurting and it's hard to bury it so it doesn't spring to the surface every other minute. I just wish I had that ability to turn the emotional portion of my brain off. I don't need it and it's really making my life difficult.

Right now those emotions are the enemy. I just wish I knew how to exterminate them...

Round and round...

I have been reading back through this blog in the hopes of finding my way for the future. It has been quite an eye-opening experience... and not necessarily in a good way. Basically I continue to repeat the same pattern leaving wreckage behind as I go.

I know Farmer thinks that he has some culpability for the demise of this relationship and will argue with me until the day he dies that this is partly his fault. Well, I'm about to trump that argument with the realization of all time...

This relationship would have never come to be if I hadn't pushed for it. If I had just minded my own business we'd still just be friends and everything would be fine. He even said that if he were me he would have never pursued this relationship because my life is so out of sorts. He is the type of person that needs to have his ducks in a row in order to even think about doing something like this. I, on the other hand, just jump into whatever comes along without even thinking it through. I am an incredibly selfish person this way. I took no thought whatsoever as to what I would be doing to him and how I would be disrupting his life if this didn't work out.

I stupidly think that it will work out this time because I am such "a great catch" when the reality is that I'm about to drag some poor unsuspecting soul down the same path I've already been on again and again. And I'm not just talking about the Biologist. There have been others. And it has basically gone exactly the same way.

What the hell is wrong with me? Even if I don't give a shit about myself I should at least consider what I might do to the other person... but I don't.

My dad sent me a wonderful email yesterday that had some very good advise in it. However there is one line that stands out... "Most of my problems come from rushing in to do something without clearly thinking it out." This is the hallmark of my life... rushing into things without even considering the consequences. Maybe the one and only time I didn't do this was in getting out of my marriage. If I had quit that when I first wanted to I would have been divorced within the first few years. But I felt I had to give it every chance.

And now I have taken what could have been the start to really healing the friendship between Farmer and I and completely fucked it up. We had such a nice night together last night... and then I had to open my mouth. From there it just followed it's natural course down the toilet. After all, I just can't help but destroy anything that might be good. And now we are back to awkward avoidance.

I have my first counseling appointment coming up. I have got to get my head back on straight... assuming it ever was in the first place. Not sure about that. Not sure about anything.

I do know this... I need to stay away from Farmer. I am like poison. You can't see it or smell it or taste it but it's killing you all the same. I'm just hoping our friendship will be OK. But if I keep on like I have been, that doesn't have a shot in hell either.

Truth...

You know that moment when you suddenly realize that everything they've said about you is true? I do.

It's all true.

I never before realized how incredibly selfish I am. How utterly manipulative. I want what I want when I want it and don't care who I hurt or run over in the process.

And here's the saddest truth of all... I don't have my friends' best interests at heart. If that were true, I would have never opened my mouth tonight. Never. But I don't care about other people. I only care about myself.

And I have never hated myself more.

Turtle...

Or maybe it's a tortoise?

Well, whatever my bro's pet is... be it turtle or tortoise... I'm going to try to be more like that. Whenever you pick up Blazer, or if he senses danger or just something he doesn't like (like my mother, for instance) he immediately pulls his head and all of the rest of his appendages into his protective shell. Perhaps this would be a more advantageous way to live my life.

I've always been the type that put my whole self out there... but at this point I'm just feeling old and very beat up. I'm not sure that I want to approach these types of things that way anymore. I just seem to get hurt and this has been no exception. I hurt... more than I would like to admit at this point. I would like to build up a protective shell to pull into when I need some fortification. Right now I just feel like every little thing is exposed. I have nowhere to go... and there is nowhere to hide.

Normally when faced with such situations, I slink to some far-off destination and lick my wounds... returning when I feel I have things well in hand. I have not had the opportunity to do that in this situation. I have a job I'm trying to save (just the icing on the cake there) and I can't just leave. I must sell something this weekend or I'm possibly out of a job, too.

Farmer just feels bad... not bad enough to change his mind, but he doesn't like to see me like this. This shitty thing is, I still think we could do it. But when you're the only one who thinks that it's time to call it a day. I can't drag him to it or make him want to do it (unfortunately). It was something he needed to want to do on his own and that isn't how it turned out. In the fantasy in my head it did... but reality did not follow suit. Too bad I can't just live in my head... things are going so much better there than they are here.

The worst part is I just can't seem to get the crying portion of this nightmare under control. I will be fine and then all of a sudden it's water-works that I can't stop. This happened today at work. Made for a very tough and long day. And I'm sure it won't be alone.

I'm not hungry. I'm not thirsty. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I hate the fact that my birthday is around the corner and I am still just trying to figure out the basics. I really thought I would have my shit together by now. Instead I find myself back at square one. In fact, I probably don't even need to write this blog right now... I can just go back and do a "best of...". Everything still applies.

And the worst part happens now... learning to sleep alone. Again. I hate it. I miss having Farmer close to me.

Tonight I'm cheating though. I've taken some sleeping pills to help me through the night. If the world is kind, maybe I won't wake up in the morning having to face another day of loneliness.

Maybe some way, some how... tomorrow will be different.

Plan B...

I don't have one... but I'm going to need one.

Farmer called it quits last night. Basically the gist of the conversation was that he didn't feel like it was fair what he was putting me through. And by that he meant that when things are hectic and really busy he just doesn't have the energy to be connected to me. He says he wants to be able to do it, but physically it just isn't there. Oh... we went round and round about other things as well. But really, nothing else matters when faced with this. There is nothing that I can say or do to overcome that. Once again, I am not enough.

So... I am faced with how to get to the next second. the next minute. the next hour. the next day. when my heart hurts like a thousand stabbing needles and I feel like I can't breathe.

And if he hadn't made it amply clear before just where I stood, I sure get the point now. I just had to get away last night and clear out my head for a while. There was no phone call, no text message wondering if I was OK. There were no lights on when I got home... he was sound asleep (sure wish I could figure that trick out). He didn't check on me this morning before he left. Basically I could be in that other bedroom with my wrists slit and he would never know. I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. I just don't matter that much. He checked out a while ago... I guess I just need to catch up. Wish I had some sort of ETA on that.

I just can't help thinking that he's going to smack himself on the forehead and be like how am I letting the best thing in my life walk out of it? But I think this sentiment only exists in my head. I'm sure the reality is that he's relieved that he doesn't have to try to make this work anymore. Things can go back to the way they were before... us as friends. No expectations. No demands on his time.

I just need a Plan B...

Consistently inconsistent...

These words have been rolling around my head now since they were uttered by Farmer on Sunday during a pretty intense conversation. I think he was using them to sum up his life, but they work just as well to sum up our relationship... consistently inconsistent.

I've said in the past that I wasn't that worried about Farmer not being very verbal when it came to our relationship because I could tell by the affection how he felt about me. Come to find out, that is not the case. Apparently the affection is not just affected by what's going on between us, but it is also affected by how busy he is, how tired he is, etc., etc. Although I'm not quite sure where that leaves me. I don't want to be constantly asking where we stand. That's not going to work either... it leaves him on edge and makes me feel terrible.

It makes me wish that I was the type of person who was blessed with blissful unawareness. Then I probably wouldn't even notice these things. Sure would make life a hell of a lot easier. But hyper-awareness has been the hallmark of my life... can't expect anything different at this point.

I think we are making headway, though. Sunday was tough... there were a lot of things to discuss and try to work through. It's hard when you have two very strong personalities looking at the same thing from the exact opposite side. I think if we can just figure out how the other one communicates it could be a huge asset. If we can't figure out each others' language then it could also be our downfall.

But the lines are open... now I just need a translator.

TMI...

As often happens, events in my life overtake the writings on this blog and make them null and void (kinda).

For instance, last post I was writing about the situation between Farmer and I. Come to find out (after actually talking to him... maybe should have done that in the first place) that he does want to pursue this relationship and the "cold shoulder" I have been seeing is nothing more than a very long and stressful work week that has made him very tired. As he so eloquently put it... the world does not revolve around me and I take things way too personally.

Yeah, hon... I know. I'm working on it.

Anyway, that brings me to my question... am I divulging way Too Much Information here? Am I putting kinks into things by having someone (say, Farmer) read about stuff that I haven't necessarily discussed with him yet? I mean, I don't want to write something that I was feeling at the moment (and probably misunderstood anyway... I do that quite a bit) and then discuss it with said person and then come to a resolution and then have them read it later and then have it bring up old doubts or whatever it stirs to the surface. I started this blog to be a help to me... not to hinder me.

Maybe this is something I need to discuss with Farmer? Oh crap... see I just did it again.

Hey babe... there is something we need to discuss...

The witching hour...

The house is utterly dark and quiet. At times like these, as I sit in the dark, I often think that I was made to be nocturnal. When the dark settles in and I am able to examine the thoughts that are in my head, these are the times when the things that have plagued me during the day finally find resolution. And tonight is no different...

Once again, Farmer and I have hit a roadblock. Communication seems to be our saving grace and our downfall. It brought us together and now it seems it will finish us as well. I suppose I could go into the morbidly mundane details of what has transpired, but I am just too tired. Not sleep tired... life tired.

A few days ago I headed to Portland to see my sister one last time before her big trip. Before I left, Farmer and I had a very intense discussion about what to do. I didn't want to give up on it. He was not so sure... and so we left it at that. We'd give it a few days and see how we felt...

In all of my relationships I have wanted to be the kind of person that someone else doesn't want to be without. I have failed... again. I have told myself over the years that these people who have discarded me and my love would regret what they had taken for granted and thrown away. The truth is that most have gone on to much more successful and fulfilling relationships. And now I have come to realize how much I have been deluding myself all these years. The things that I think would be an asset have instead proven to be my downfall. I don't inspire love... just disconnection, avoidance and desperation.

I wonder what he sees when he looks at me now?

Mom says that I shouldn't be surprised or upset at how this has turned out. After all, in her opinion, I put us into a no-win situation. I took someone who had absolutely zero experience in the relationship department and gave him the toughest assignment there is... co-habitation. But you know what? I was betting on us making it and being a really great couple. I really believed that I had found the yin to my yang. Actually... I still do. And this is where the deep sadness sets in. Because I think I am the only believer. And I have proven, with devastating results, that one person's belief is not enough.

What now, you ask? I'm not sure. I guess we go back to just being friends... which is what I think he really wants, even though he hasn't said it. But the affection is back at a friendship level. Intimacy seems to be non-existent even though we are still sharing a bed. Unfortunately this is something that I'm an expert on...

Maybe there is still hope. Perhaps we need to back it off and start again from the beginning but go slower this time... I don't know. I have no idea what is even an option right now.

But one thing hasn't changed... I still love him.

Pet peeve...

"Do what you gotta do"

Those words are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. I was trying to explain why I hate them so much to Farmer this morning, but I'm not sure that I was really getting through. Or that I was making sense. But, I've had time to marinade the thought and I think I have pin-pointed why that particular statement is so offensive. So here goes...

1. It sounds like a blow-off. I kind of touched upon this thought this morning, but I'm hoping to elaborate. Basically to me that translates to: I don't give a rat's ass what you're up to, just don't involve me.... or something like that. I guess I'm not really explaining it any better than I did this morning but it still comes across like that.

2. It sounds like there is no support behind whatever decision was just made. It's like the person saying it is saying: fine. go ahead. I don't like what you're doing but I suppose I can't stop you either. Not the best way to portray support, IMO.

I guess I feel like I am going to do what I have to do. That's kind of the point of life, is it not? I don't need you telling me to do what I need to do... it's redundant. It's a lame way out of a conversation and it seems to be the go-to statement for men... It's the equal to when a woman says "I'm fine" with her arms crossed and steam coming out of her ears.

OK... enough on that, I suppose. Venting has been had and I'm feeling better about it :) Had a good Sunday with my sis who will be leaving soon for SE Asia. I'll be heading up to Portland again this coming Sunday to see her one last time before her plane leaves (that is what prompted Farmer to say the offending statement this morning).

So, have a good labor day everyone. I'm at work until 5pm... after that I hope to spend a little time with Farmer, but we shall see. He's been swamped lately. But don't worry about me...

I'm fine :)

Heeeeee's back...

So, the twilight zone is still in effect around this part of Oregon... but maybe now it's working in my favor.

The GoodGuy is back as manager of the store. He was here when I very first started and I really got along well with him and he taught me a lot my first week here.

Let me just say that as soon as he walked through the door the energy around this place changed... for the better. Energy is up and he is a get-it-done kind of guy. A customer that AssHat had completely written off is now going to be a customer that GoodGuy can get into a vehicle. Imagine that...

I think my sales numbers are about to go up. Either way, my working environment has just become a whole lot more pleasant. Hooray for me :)

As the dealership turns...

OK... I know I already posted something today, but I just had to share what is going on around here in the dealership.

So, I was off yesterday and spent the day with Mom and Booty (my sis). When I came in today the shit had hit the fan yesterday apparently. AssHat (otherwise known as the boss) got a call at around 4:30pm and was asked to leave. He threw the keys to GQ and said to keep in touch. Then he was picked up by the old owner of the dealership. Rumor has it that they will be joining forces and possibly starting a rival dealership down the road.

In the meantime, the other manager in the other store also did not show up today. Come to find out that their manager and AssHat got arrested last night and were in jail.

Seriously... I am not making this shit up. It's amazing that anything gets sold at all...

So, the other manager is still a no-show. We are without a manager. BigGuy just left saying he didn't want to be here. All hell is breaking loose.

Wonder what tomorrow will bring? Or even this afternoon? After all, there is still 5 hours left in the day...

Invasion...

So, my sister is leaving for SE Asia in 2 weeks.... she'll be gone for 6 months. Holy crap. Can't believe it's here already.

Anyway, she is back in Portland and I've been working my super crazy schedule so I haven't had time to get to Portland to visit her before she goes. So Mom and Booty decided to visit me and Farmer instead. They came up on Tuesday night and left this morning. It was a quick visit but I was so glad to be able to spend time and visit with them yesterday.

The jury is still out on how Farmer was feeling about the invasion. He did everything he could to make it go smooth and help me out with getting stuff ready for their visit. He's so good that way. Couldn't ask for a better guy.

Anyway, we did some fun stuff yesterday. I took them out for a quick horseback ride. We went shopping and had lunch at the Olive Garden (one of my personal favorites). I took them out to the feedlot where Farmer gave them a tour of the operation. We invited Farmer's dad and Hoofer over for a BBQ of salmon and chicken (the salmon was some that FD (farmer's dad) had caught up in Alaska last year). It was delicious and a lot of fun. My fam enjoyed themselves and I think so did everyone else.

All in all, a dang good day.

Sis... I will miss you!! Please take care of yourself while you're out in the big blue yonder...