The house is utterly dark and quiet. At times like these, as I sit in the dark, I often think that I was made to be nocturnal. When the dark settles in and I am able to examine the thoughts that are in my head, these are the times when the things that have plagued me during the day finally find resolution. And tonight is no different...
Once again, Farmer and I have hit a roadblock. Communication seems to be our saving grace and our downfall. It brought us together and now it seems it will finish us as well. I suppose I could go into the morbidly mundane details of what has transpired, but I am just too tired. Not sleep tired... life tired.
A few days ago I headed to Portland to see my sister one last time before her big trip. Before I left, Farmer and I had a very intense discussion about what to do. I didn't want to give up on it. He was not so sure... and so we left it at that. We'd give it a few days and see how we felt...
In all of my relationships I have wanted to be the kind of person that someone else doesn't want to be without. I have failed... again. I have told myself over the years that these people who have discarded me and my love would regret what they had taken for granted and thrown away. The truth is that most have gone on to much more successful and fulfilling relationships. And now I have come to realize how much I have been deluding myself all these years. The things that I think would be an asset have instead proven to be my downfall. I don't inspire love... just disconnection, avoidance and desperation.
I wonder what he sees when he looks at me now?
Mom says that I shouldn't be surprised or upset at how this has turned out. After all, in her opinion, I put us into a no-win situation. I took someone who had absolutely zero experience in the relationship department and gave him the toughest assignment there is... co-habitation. But you know what? I was betting on us making it and being a really great couple. I really believed that I had found the yin to my yang. Actually... I still do. And this is where the deep sadness sets in. Because I think I am the only believer. And I have proven, with devastating results, that one person's belief is not enough.
What now, you ask? I'm not sure. I guess we go back to just being friends... which is what I think he really wants, even though he hasn't said it. But the affection is back at a friendship level. Intimacy seems to be non-existent even though we are still sharing a bed. Unfortunately this is something that I'm an expert on...
Maybe there is still hope. Perhaps we need to back it off and start again from the beginning but go slower this time... I don't know. I have no idea what is even an option right now.
But one thing hasn't changed... I still love him.
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
2 days ago