So... it's been a long and very rough week. Just when I think I'm doing OK something will completely blindside me and I'm a wreck once again. I think the fact that I'm basically getting only 1 or 2 real hours of sleep a night is really making it difficult to get through this. But I am the type of person who has a hard time turning off my brain once things are dark and quiet. This is the hardest time for me.
If I could just skip this portion of the program on a daily basis I would be in a much better place. It about rips my heart out of my chest every time I watch him head off to bed alone... and seems none the worse for wear or even missing what once was laying by his side. For me, this is the time I dread. I retreat to my room and try to speed the tears along so I can, once again, get on with living. I would love to get on with sleeping as well but that still seems to be alluding me. Just as I will start to drift some thought will run through my head unbidden and then the cycle begins all over again.
I know it's just going to take time, but geez!! Can we just get on with it already? I'm tired of hurting and it's hard to bury it so it doesn't spring to the surface every other minute. I just wish I had that ability to turn the emotional portion of my brain off. I don't need it and it's really making my life difficult.
Right now those emotions are the enemy. I just wish I knew how to exterminate them...
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
2 days ago