Saturday, September 26, 2009

My enemy...

So... it's been a long and very rough week. Just when I think I'm doing OK something will completely blindside me and I'm a wreck once again. I think the fact that I'm basically getting only 1 or 2 real hours of sleep a night is really making it difficult to get through this. But I am the type of person who has a hard time turning off my brain once things are dark and quiet. This is the hardest time for me.

If I could just skip this portion of the program on a daily basis I would be in a much better place. It about rips my heart out of my chest every time I watch him head off to bed alone... and seems none the worse for wear or even missing what once was laying by his side. For me, this is the time I dread. I retreat to my room and try to speed the tears along so I can, once again, get on with living. I would love to get on with sleeping as well but that still seems to be alluding me. Just as I will start to drift some thought will run through my head unbidden and then the cycle begins all over again.

I know it's just going to take time, but geez!! Can we just get on with it already? I'm tired of hurting and it's hard to bury it so it doesn't spring to the surface every other minute. I just wish I had that ability to turn the emotional portion of my brain off. I don't need it and it's really making my life difficult.

Right now those emotions are the enemy. I just wish I knew how to exterminate them...


  1. Hey dear,
    Know that we love you! I can't turn my brain off either - and I'm a terrible sleeper. Don't you hate that? You rethink everything - as though just thinking for the forty third time would change anything. Sometimes I do reach great conclusions - that would have taken a fraction of the time in the light of day.

    One thing I do is listen to online devotionals - as my computer is right by my bed. BYU or BYUI have some good ones. I start listening to them and either go to sleep or learn something I didn't know before.
    Either way - I get a break from the constant thinking!

  2. Okay, this is going to sound very simplistic but every little bit helps, right? If seeing Farmer go to off to bed first - minus your company - is too painful to watch then go to bed before he does. I know, I know, if you do that then he can't invite you along. But the sooner you take control and at least try to stop hoping it will start to get easier. You won't feel it at first, and maybe not even for quite awhile, but you've got to start somewhere.

    I'm guessing that since he's a farmer he goes to bed early but you can go into your room and read, listen to the devotionals that the previous commenter mentioned, listen to talk radio, if you've got a television in there turn that on. When I'm stressed I've found that I can't sleep when it's too quiet and the Food Network is great to fall alseep to; no chance of anything disturbing sneaking into your brain just as you doze off. You know, like some hideous romantic comedy drivel that you just don't need thrown in your face right now, or ever, if you're anything like me about those things.

    And I do realize that I've suggested things that are counter to what is conventional wisdom for sleeplessness, but you have to do what works for you to get some rest. Right now, my televison is saving my sanity.

    In case you are wondering, no you don't know me. I found you're blog via a link in one of your posts on either Why Women Hate Men or Psychotic Letters From Men, can't remember which one now. I've been reading your blog from very early on and while I don't "know" you, I can certainly relate to the pain.

    Be well.

  3. Thanks Aunt Vicki... it's good to know that you are rooting for me even though I happen to be going about this all wrong.

    M- I appreciate your words. It is time I take control and just start living my own life. I'll be heading to Idaho to pick up a bunch of stuff this weekend and I will be making this room my own. Even if Farmer and I eventually make a go of things again it will be nice to have a space of my own. And just so you know... it is getting easier.

  4. I'm glad that it's starting to get easier. A space of one's own is important and I hope that helps even more.