I have been reading back through this blog in the hopes of finding my way for the future. It has been quite an eye-opening experience... and not necessarily in a good way. Basically I continue to repeat the same pattern leaving wreckage behind as I go.
I know Farmer thinks that he has some culpability for the demise of this relationship and will argue with me until the day he dies that this is partly his fault. Well, I'm about to trump that argument with the realization of all time...
This relationship would have never come to be if I hadn't pushed for it. If I had just minded my own business we'd still just be friends and everything would be fine. He even said that if he were me he would have never pursued this relationship because my life is so out of sorts. He is the type of person that needs to have his ducks in a row in order to even think about doing something like this. I, on the other hand, just jump into whatever comes along without even thinking it through. I am an incredibly selfish person this way. I took no thought whatsoever as to what I would be doing to him and how I would be disrupting his life if this didn't work out.
I stupidly think that it will work out this time because I am such "a great catch" when the reality is that I'm about to drag some poor unsuspecting soul down the same path I've already been on again and again. And I'm not just talking about the Biologist. There have been others. And it has basically gone exactly the same way.
What the hell is wrong with me? Even if I don't give a shit about myself I should at least consider what I might do to the other person... but I don't.
My dad sent me a wonderful email yesterday that had some very good advise in it. However there is one line that stands out... "Most of my problems come from rushing in to do something without clearly thinking it out." This is the hallmark of my life... rushing into things without even considering the consequences. Maybe the one and only time I didn't do this was in getting out of my marriage. If I had quit that when I first wanted to I would have been divorced within the first few years. But I felt I had to give it every chance.
And now I have taken what could have been the start to really healing the friendship between Farmer and I and completely fucked it up. We had such a nice night together last night... and then I had to open my mouth. From there it just followed it's natural course down the toilet. After all, I just can't help but destroy anything that might be good. And now we are back to awkward avoidance.
I have my first counseling appointment coming up. I have got to get my head back on straight... assuming it ever was in the first place. Not sure about that. Not sure about anything.
I do know this... I need to stay away from Farmer. I am like poison. You can't see it or smell it or taste it but it's killing you all the same. I'm just hoping our friendship will be OK. But if I keep on like I have been, that doesn't have a shot in hell either.
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
2 days ago