I don't have one... but I'm going to need one.
Farmer called it quits last night. Basically the gist of the conversation was that he didn't feel like it was fair what he was putting me through. And by that he meant that when things are hectic and really busy he just doesn't have the energy to be connected to me. He says he wants to be able to do it, but physically it just isn't there. Oh... we went round and round about other things as well. But really, nothing else matters when faced with this. There is nothing that I can say or do to overcome that. Once again, I am not enough.
So... I am faced with how to get to the next second. the next minute. the next hour. the next day. when my heart hurts like a thousand stabbing needles and I feel like I can't breathe.
And if he hadn't made it amply clear before just where I stood, I sure get the point now. I just had to get away last night and clear out my head for a while. There was no phone call, no text message wondering if I was OK. There were no lights on when I got home... he was sound asleep (sure wish I could figure that trick out). He didn't check on me this morning before he left. Basically I could be in that other bedroom with my wrists slit and he would never know. I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. I just don't matter that much. He checked out a while ago... I guess I just need to catch up. Wish I had some sort of ETA on that.
I just can't help thinking that he's going to smack himself on the forehead and be like how am I letting the best thing in my life walk out of it? But I think this sentiment only exists in my head. I'm sure the reality is that he's relieved that he doesn't have to try to make this work anymore. Things can go back to the way they were before... us as friends. No expectations. No demands on his time.
I just need a Plan B...
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
2 days ago