These words have been rolling around my head now since they were uttered by Farmer on Sunday during a pretty intense conversation. I think he was using them to sum up his life, but they work just as well to sum up our relationship... consistently inconsistent.
I've said in the past that I wasn't that worried about Farmer not being very verbal when it came to our relationship because I could tell by the affection how he felt about me. Come to find out, that is not the case. Apparently the affection is not just affected by what's going on between us, but it is also affected by how busy he is, how tired he is, etc., etc. Although I'm not quite sure where that leaves me. I don't want to be constantly asking where we stand. That's not going to work either... it leaves him on edge and makes me feel terrible.
It makes me wish that I was the type of person who was blessed with blissful unawareness. Then I probably wouldn't even notice these things. Sure would make life a hell of a lot easier. But hyper-awareness has been the hallmark of my life... can't expect anything different at this point.
I think we are making headway, though. Sunday was tough... there were a lot of things to discuss and try to work through. It's hard when you have two very strong personalities looking at the same thing from the exact opposite side. I think if we can just figure out how the other one communicates it could be a huge asset. If we can't figure out each others' language then it could also be our downfall.
But the lines are open... now I just need a translator.
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
2 days ago