Or maybe it's a tortoise?
Well, whatever my bro's pet is... be it turtle or tortoise... I'm going to try to be more like that. Whenever you pick up Blazer, or if he senses danger or just something he doesn't like (like my mother, for instance) he immediately pulls his head and all of the rest of his appendages into his protective shell. Perhaps this would be a more advantageous way to live my life.
I've always been the type that put my whole self out there... but at this point I'm just feeling old and very beat up. I'm not sure that I want to approach these types of things that way anymore. I just seem to get hurt and this has been no exception. I hurt... more than I would like to admit at this point. I would like to build up a protective shell to pull into when I need some fortification. Right now I just feel like every little thing is exposed. I have nowhere to go... and there is nowhere to hide.
Normally when faced with such situations, I slink to some far-off destination and lick my wounds... returning when I feel I have things well in hand. I have not had the opportunity to do that in this situation. I have a job I'm trying to save (just the icing on the cake there) and I can't just leave. I must sell something this weekend or I'm possibly out of a job, too.
Farmer just feels bad... not bad enough to change his mind, but he doesn't like to see me like this. This shitty thing is, I still think we could do it. But when you're the only one who thinks that it's time to call it a day. I can't drag him to it or make him want to do it (unfortunately). It was something he needed to want to do on his own and that isn't how it turned out. In the fantasy in my head it did... but reality did not follow suit. Too bad I can't just live in my head... things are going so much better there than they are here.
The worst part is I just can't seem to get the crying portion of this nightmare under control. I will be fine and then all of a sudden it's water-works that I can't stop. This happened today at work. Made for a very tough and long day. And I'm sure it won't be alone.
I'm not hungry. I'm not thirsty. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I hate the fact that my birthday is around the corner and I am still just trying to figure out the basics. I really thought I would have my shit together by now. Instead I find myself back at square one. In fact, I probably don't even need to write this blog right now... I can just go back and do a "best of...". Everything still applies.
And the worst part happens now... learning to sleep alone. Again. I hate it. I miss having Farmer close to me.
Tonight I'm cheating though. I've taken some sleeping pills to help me through the night. If the world is kind, maybe I won't wake up in the morning having to face another day of loneliness.
Maybe some way, some how... tomorrow will be different.
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
2 days ago