This weekend I went and spent some time with my good friend the farmer. We did a lot of riding. And while I ride, I reflect. A lot.
I'm not sure how other people view things, but in my world there isn't just one reality. Every time you make a decision there is a spin-off of what could have been... a pale reflection of the life you are leading today, but with a different outcome if you had chosen a different path. Make sense? So, I play the what-if game quite a bit. And my friends graciously endure my constant questioning... and sometimes pose things to me that I hadn't thought of.
For instance... this weekend I was telling Farmer about the Biologist and his epic fail. There was much hand-wringing and gnashing of teeth. And while I'm talking to him about it, I can't figure out why I'm so pissed about his epic fail. Then it hits me... I'm embarrassed that he made such a poor showing. After all, I was going to be doing this ride too. And if he only made it 3 lousy days, what does that say about me?
Farmer's response? Don't worry about it... if you had been out there you would have been doing most of the work and making sure that shit got done (OK... not in those exact words. I'm paraphrasing). But what I realized is, he's spot on right. I WAS doing most of the work. Even in our relationship.
And this opened a whole new train of thought...
If I was doing most of the work, then there is no reason why I can't make all of those dreams I had with him come to fruition. One of the things that I was so sad about upon the loss of the Biologist was all the dreams of the future we had. I figured there was no way I could do it alone. But what his complete fail (and Farmer's insight) has shown me is that I don't need him to make these things happen if that's what I wanted.
So... thank you Farmer. I owe you one.
And now for the second round of reflections... if you can stomach it.
Ex-hub was in town this week visiting with his family. While here there was some tax paperwork that needed to be taken care of. So we decided to meet up for lunch and get things taken care of.
For the most part, lunch was nice and friendly. Then came dessert...
And Ex-hub accused me of cheating on him. Huh? We've been separated for over a year and a half, divorced for almost a year and now you accuse me of cheating? OK... let's come back to reality, shall we?
Let me just state, for the record, that I did not cheat on him. I should have (and wanted to)... but I didn't. Not that he's listening. Apparently he's made up his mind. And in the midst of this argument, he throws out there what a waste it was... our marriage, that is. What a waste that I threw it all away. Because now he's made all these changes and things could have been different. *GAG* However, I know in my soul that if I hadn't of gotten fed up and finally left his happy ass, that we'd be in the exact same place we were. He didn't care enough about me or the marriage to do anything about it when he had the chance... he only changed AFTER I finally left. What the hell!! How many more years of my life was I supposed to give him? He got seven. In my book that's plenty.
And the other thing that just absolutely pisses me off... the fact that as he's telling me all of this, I get the feeling that he's not really missing me, per se, but the nice comfy lifestyle we had together. Never once, when we were splitting up did he pull me aside, plant a firm (knee-shaking) kiss on me and say "you're making a mistake" or anything like that. Never... not once (and emails don't count. If you can't say it to my face, you just suck).
I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that if I was with someone and they were absolutely convinced we belonged together, that I would hear about it. With conviction!! He just withered away and was happy to just sit back and play the victim.
Once again, complete validation that I did the right thing...