Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Crazy, crazy, go away...

And don't come back. Ever.

You know, sometimes I get so frustrated by my reoccurring habits that I just want to kick something. Unfortunately I can't reach my own butt...

Maybe yoga would fix that?

Anywho...

Ex-hub was a great talker. He always knew just what to say. Unfortunately he did nothing to back it up. It was all just words. And when it really came right down to it, he couldn't tell me what the problem was. He just shut down and pretended everything was fine while withdrawing from our relationship until he was no longer present. Those actions were hurtful. In a pretty major way...

The Biologist was a good talker, sometimes. But occasionally he too would go off into some far-off place that I couldn't follow. It made it frustrating to try to figure out where I stood...

Farmer was never a talker. He was a doer. Which I kind of liked but still wanted to hear the spoken word as well. Now, whenever I tell him I love him (and I do... deeply) he just says ditto. Which always makes me laugh. I know how he feels because of how he acts... Good enough for me from one of my very best friends. And also, I know there is no way I'm changing it so there you have it.

Wulfe was also a great one for words. He said incredibly beautiful things to me (and about me to my friends). But there just wasn't enough there to sustain anything.

And now Railroad comes along and he is also a beautiful communicator. But I am a bit gun-shy. I want to believe... I do. And I also don't want to be that person that punishes the current relationship because of sins of the past ones.

I really, really, really don't want to be that person. But I seem to be doing this despite my best efforts. Damn my brain!! It's an old habit that I desperately want to break... but how? I'm told that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have one.

OK, here goes...

Hi, my name is SweetPea and I am a jerk.

{hello SweetPea}

Oh yeah... I'm starting to feel better already. Maybe there is something to this 12 step thing. At least I hope so. I really want to be a good person to Railroad because he is being an amazing person to me...

After all, I woke up to find these...

Gerberas... my favorite.

And a sweet note to go with it. Those are the things that dreams are made of...

2 comments:

  1. Yer' Not a Jerk!!!
    (mmmmmerrrrrrrrg....)
    RR

    ReplyDelete