So, it's been a rough few days...
I completely (and unintentionally) beat up on Farmer on Monday. I was completely in the grips of crazy... worse than I've been in over a year. I think it stems from stress and the change in birth control. Basically my symptoms get so bad it completely interferes with my life. The cramps, getting sick and not being able to eat, the moodiness... it's a complete drag. And something I've been dealing with for a good 20 years.
But that is no excuse for what I did to poor Farmer on Monday. I wasn't voicing concerns... I was going for the jugular. If the topic I was on wasn't eliciting a reaction, I moved onto the next one until I had him backed up against the wall. And I can't tell him sorry enough. Although I gave it my best effort last night after he returned home from his trip.
And I guess the good news is he did come home and he didn't immediately tell me to pack up and get the hell out. Those are very good things. But I wonder if I deserve it? Either way, he has decided to stick it out in the hopes that we can work it out. I know his concerns have gone way up the scale. I wish there was something I could do about that... but all I can do is try to figure out better coping mechanisms so as not to have a repeat. He is a good person that is trying to do his best. I'm hoping to be able to say the same thing about myself as time goes on. But as always... it is a work in progress.
I think we have a lot of good things going for us. We are opposites in many ways... he's quiet - I most definitely am not. He's very in the present (neither really dwelling on past or future) - sometimes I forget there is a present (and he reminds me of the here and now). He is very slow to come to a decision - as soon as I decide on a course, I am in it up to my eyeballs (for better or for worse). The nice thing though is that we also have a lot in common. We enjoy the same things, for the most part have the same views on subjects and have the same outlook for the future.
I know he is worried that he won't be able to meet my needs. What he needs to understand is that there is a difference between needs and neediness. He meets my needs. He is very affectionate and he most definitely is there when I need him (like when Flash did a number on his leg). True, he's not as verbal as I could want but he shows me in other ways... when I pull my head out of my ass and choose to see those things. He comes from a family that never says it... my family can't say it enough. I'm positive we will meet somewhere in the middle on this. And I'm not in a rush. However, I will tell him how I feel... that's just how I am and how I express things.
I know he's still a little wary. But he is giving me the benefit of the doubt and moving on and I love him for this. There are a lot of people that could (and would) hold on to something like that and use it against me. I am blessed that he is not one of them. He truly is a good thing in my life and I hope like hell I don't screw it up.
Now, don't get me wrong. He is not perfect... but he most definitely is not responsible for this last "episode", even though I know he feels like he is a little bit. I'm trying to hammer that through his head... but like most men, he is very thick-skulled (oh, and stubborn too).
So, I'm pretty sure we're back from that awful detour. I'm hoping never to go there again...