The house is dark and quiet here in Portland right now. Everyone else has gone to bed. It seems like a good time to reflect on what's been happening in my life...
The commuting side of the relationship has begun after a 10 day stay in EO (eastern Oregon) with Farmer. I must say, I miss being there... but there are things to attend to here if I have any hope of getting there full-time any time soon.
People are still taking issue with the age difference. I know he's hearing it from a few of his friends that are cautioning him to "take it slow". Personally, I've never understood what that is supposed to mean. If you feel a certain way about someone (or something), what is the point of waiting to express how you feel? I mean, you either feel that way or you don't, right? Am I missing something? Because to me, what "take it slow" entails is playing games. Saying one thing even though you feel another. And I have never been very good at that.
On the other hand, what I am good at is ignoring warning signs. The Biologist is a perfect example of this. There were red flags all over the place and I just chose to look the other way... mostly because the sex was great and I really didn't want to have to face the ramifications of the divorce just yet.
Now, karma came back to bite me in the ass on that one... when I split with the Biologist, somehow all that emotional baggage that I had managed to avoid when actually going through my divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. But, I survived. And if I can survive that break-up, I can survive anything. Seriously.
Now that I'm in another relationship, I'm taking some time while apart to assess just what is going on and how I'm feeling about it. First, let me just say that I think this has the legs to go all the way. He has damn-near everything I'm looking for... and he's sparked a passion I haven't felt in a long time. I'm not just mildly interested in his life and what he's doing, I care. That, to me, is a big deal. Some would say that I'm rushing things... but, I'm just saying what's on my mind. I guess those who don't like it can kiss my ass because I'm not about to start censoring myself now.
There is one thing that has me a bit worried, however. He's very reserved about what he feels about where this is going and how he feels about me specifically. I'm not sure if it's because he really doesn't know the answer to those questions, or if he is just afraid to say it.
Either way, it's a bit of a red flag. The ex-hub was always very neutral on this subject as well... and it drove me nuts. I really want someone who is as passionate about me as I am about them. I'm alright with someone taking time to get to this point... but there at least has to be the potential. And they don't need to express it in the same ways I do (because that is probably impossible)... but they do need to express it in some way. This neutral "do what you want" attitude is not something I really want to have to deal with again. I really don't understand why this is such a hard one to find in the opposite sex. Why is it a crime if I want my man to really stand up and say "that's my girl"? I want Farmer to be proud to have me as his... and vice-versa.
But, you know, in the grand scheme of things Farmer has been very good to tell me what's on his mind. Lines of communication have been open and that's all you can ask for. We'll get it worked out, I'm sure... even if he's not super sure. I think he's one of those people that has had people tell him one thing and do another. I'm not sure he quite knows what to do with someone that says I'm going to do this... and then does it. For him, it may just be a question of time. He needs to see that I mean what I say.
And he will... for I do mean what I say.