Do you ever have one of those days when you wonder what the world would be like without you in it? Now, I'm not talking about needing to be on suicide watch, or anything. I'm talking about in "it's a wonderful life" kind of way.
Sometimes I wonder what I mean to the people around me. Am I a good thing? Or am I a toxic influence that just needs to be done away with? Oh, sure... I come packaged all nicely and look like I would be a good thing to have around. But then again, so does chocolate. Maybe I am "a little goes a long way" kind of person... who knows?
All I do know is that when I'm having a day like today I just want to get in the car and drive as far as a tank of gas will take me. Is that wrong? I just want to run away. Go somewhere no one in that part of the world knows me.
OK, OK. I suppose I need to explain where all of this is coming from. Although I'm not quite sure how... but I will give it my best shot.
Let me start by saying this... perhaps I should have stayed in my marriage. Ex-hub seemed fine with the situation and at least this way I wouldn't be tempted to inflict myself upon other unsuspecting people... namely Farmer. Although my mom has been a victim as well. And probably bff. And... oh, hell. There are probably too many to name... but I'm making a list and checking it twice.
Anyway, I went out to the feedlot to drop off some stuff that Farmer needed from the house. I pulled up and parked where I normally do. I got out of the car and handed Farmer what he needed. I had brought the dogs with me as well so I popped the back hatch, which sent the cows in the pen next to the lot running. I let the dogs out. I walked into the shop. At this point, Farmer pointed out to me that I had made the cows run. OK... I noticed it as well. But, so what? What the hell was I supposed to do differently? And I pointed that out (kinda pissed). And then we kind of got into it a bit. He said he was just going to keep his mouth shut from now on, which pissed me off even more. I don't want every damn person in my life to think that they have to sensor what they say to me because of how I might react. My mom already complains about this... and now Farmer.
At this point, I'm so frustrated the tears start. Which, of course, makes him back-peddle and try to take the blame for it. Which, in turn, frustrates me even more. And makes me just want to run.
Farmer has said that he's concerned about chasing me off. He thinks I won't be able to deal with how he is and how he communicates. I admit, sometimes it's not easy trying to figure out where he's at... but that's not why I want to run. Farmer is an amazing man. I'm terrified of ruining that. Perhaps he needs someone who is the EXACT opposite of me. Someone who doesn't push and pull and poke and question everything. I don't know...
All I know right now is that I feel terrible. It was a valid comment. I took it as criticism. And then took it a step farther.
I need to stop this behavior, but I'm not sure how. The other problem is that I'm pretty sure that I am in the throws of my 3 days of crazy (due to birth control). I get so fucking emotional at these times that I don't know if I'm coming or going. The fact that I'm crying at the drop of a hat is a pretty good indication... but I don't know it for what it is until it's over.
So, for now I'm going to go cry and call it a day...