Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Day 1?

Do you ever have one of those days when you wonder what the world would be like without you in it? Now, I'm not talking about needing to be on suicide watch, or anything. I'm talking about in "it's a wonderful life" kind of way.

Sometimes I wonder what I mean to the people around me. Am I a good thing? Or am I a toxic influence that just needs to be done away with? Oh, sure... I come packaged all nicely and look like I would be a good thing to have around. But then again, so does chocolate. Maybe I am "a little goes a long way" kind of person... who knows?

All I do know is that when I'm having a day like today I just want to get in the car and drive as far as a tank of gas will take me. Is that wrong? I just want to run away. Go somewhere no one in that part of the world knows me.

OK, OK. I suppose I need to explain where all of this is coming from. Although I'm not quite sure how... but I will give it my best shot.

Let me start by saying this... perhaps I should have stayed in my marriage. Ex-hub seemed fine with the situation and at least this way I wouldn't be tempted to inflict myself upon other unsuspecting people... namely Farmer. Although my mom has been a victim as well. And probably bff. And... oh, hell. There are probably too many to name... but I'm making a list and checking it twice.

Anyway, I went out to the feedlot to drop off some stuff that Farmer needed from the house. I pulled up and parked where I normally do. I got out of the car and handed Farmer what he needed. I had brought the dogs with me as well so I popped the back hatch, which sent the cows in the pen next to the lot running. I let the dogs out. I walked into the shop. At this point, Farmer pointed out to me that I had made the cows run. OK... I noticed it as well. But, so what? What the hell was I supposed to do differently? And I pointed that out (kinda pissed). And then we kind of got into it a bit. He said he was just going to keep his mouth shut from now on, which pissed me off even more. I don't want every damn person in my life to think that they have to sensor what they say to me because of how I might react. My mom already complains about this... and now Farmer.

At this point, I'm so frustrated the tears start. Which, of course, makes him back-peddle and try to take the blame for it. Which, in turn, frustrates me even more. And makes me just want to run.

Farmer has said that he's concerned about chasing me off. He thinks I won't be able to deal with how he is and how he communicates. I admit, sometimes it's not easy trying to figure out where he's at... but that's not why I want to run. Farmer is an amazing man. I'm terrified of ruining that. Perhaps he needs someone who is the EXACT opposite of me. Someone who doesn't push and pull and poke and question everything. I don't know...

All I know right now is that I feel terrible. It was a valid comment. I took it as criticism. And then took it a step farther.

I need to stop this behavior, but I'm not sure how. The other problem is that I'm pretty sure that I am in the throws of my 3 days of crazy (due to birth control). I get so fucking emotional at these times that I don't know if I'm coming or going. The fact that I'm crying at the drop of a hat is a pretty good indication... but I don't know it for what it is until it's over.

So, for now I'm going to go cry and call it a day...


  1. I think mabe you did lose it.
    Yuo made a comment about not wanting people to sensor what they say around you which sounds like more than one person has said something. Perhaps you tend to fly off the handle easily?
    If that is the case then that is all you and not thier fault. Perhaps you should work on keeping your temper in check.

  2. I understand the wanting to run away except I don't think I could limit myself to one tank of gas. I get that feeling on a regular basis, so i figure it's pretty normal. To be honest there are days I do 'run'. That's why I picked a college 10 1/2 hrs from my parents and all my friends. However now I am 'running' to another city that is closer to my parents but has most of my 'new' friends in it. I do have a job and an apartment in that city so its not like I impulse decided to move. I have trouble taking coments like that too. I have figured out though that the world is not ending, feelings will mend and that I never want to go back in time. Always move forward. You made the decisions you did for a reason, don't forget those reasons, but don't let them hold you back either. It will all end up ok. You can do this. :) (and if it's your crazy three days, that's ok that happens too, yay for being female!)

  3. I know I'm young, but I notice that you often compare Farmer to many other people in your life.

    Just an observation :) You're amazing sweetpea!

    18 and Without children :)

  4. Anon 4:30 - I do have a bit of a temper and my moods tend to swing back and forth quite a bit. As I've gotten older, this has mellowed quite a bit (should have seen me in my younger years LOL). I agree that it's something that is all me... but it's a WIP (work in progress).

    Anon 5:52 - Good for you for figuring out things that I'm still trying to get a handle on. I admire those that can let things just roll off their back. It's never been my strong suit but I am trying to be better about not letting everything unhinge me. Thanks for the vote of confidence... somedays I really need it. This is one of those days :)

    Hendrix - I do tend to compare WAY too much. A very astute observation. Even though you are young, you see much. Another thing I just need to nip in the bud. Like I've said... I'm totally a WIP :) BTW, read your 2 first posts... they were very good. Can't wait to see how things go for you!!