How do you explain to someone the unexplainable? How do you make someone understand that they are fine and it's got nothing to do with them?
I am in love with Farmer. He has taken up residence in my heart and probably won't be leaving anytime soon... regardless of how things shake out between us. And I am hoping things will go the way I want them to. However, I have concerns. Not red flags, not yet... just concerns.
I can't seem to get out of the rut that I am in. I see myself subjecting Farmer to the very things that drove the Biologist nuts. And, yes, he was a complete asshat in many respects... but the very sad and sobering truth is that I need to shoulder quite a bit of the blame as well. A very bitter pill to swallow as I would like to just dump all this baggage at the Biologist's feet and move on. However, when I read the tags on the baggage, lo and behold, they all belong to me. Very unfortunate indeed.
Perhaps it is time to open up those bags and examine what they contain. Maybe then I'll be able to move on in a more healthy manner. I'm tired of dragging poor Farmer through my drama. He deserves so much better. And if I was any kind of loving person, I would just cut him loose and get these things dealt with on my own. The sad truth though is that I am a selfish person who needs to have a bit of moral support. Not fair to him in the least. And yet I say I love him... and then subject him to all of this bullshit. Some girlfriend I am. I am a sad excuse for a human being...
So, in bag #1 we have neediness. I am a needy person. I don't want to be. I want to be the independent, doesn't give a shit about anything person that I pretend to be. I want to be this incredible bad-ass that doesn't need or want anything or anyone. The reality? I am a complete wimp... in all senses of the word. I need to hear about how much someone wants to be with me. I need to know that I'm not the only one that feels that way. I want someone to want to take care of me.... you know, someone who rushes over and is concerned for my safety when something happens. I'm so insecure, I'm not sure what to do with myself. I am sometimes paralyzed by it. When someone has no opinion on something, I pick a fight so I can at least know there is some feeling behind it... good or bad. I'm so desperate for attention, that I will take it in any form that I can get it. And that is the hideous and unvarnished truth. And I hate this aspect of myself... but how to change it? This, still after all of these years, alludes me.
My concern? That no one can live up to my completely skewed and unrealistic expectations. Farmer is trying, and I hate myself for this. He thinks it's his fault. How do I tell him that this has nothing to do with him? He comes in with a simple yes or no question and the next thing you know is that I've made it into a huge fucking deal... for nothing. It doesn't change anything. Even after all the drama and discussion it is still down to a yes or no. Why must I be the kind of person that can't just leave well enough alone?
Crewing Vermont Moonlight
2 days ago