Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Now what?

For those of you that read this blog on a regular basis, you've probably figured out that I am, by nature, an over-thinker. I can't help myself. Thoughts get rolling around which lead to other thoughts, which in turn sprout more thoughts. It's a never-ending cycle that is sometimes hard to break. This blog has been the place where I'm putting those thoughts down so I can then let them go. So far, so good...

However, life has a way of taking you by surprise. I've kinda gotten myself wrapped up in a (somewhat?) committed relationship without even trying. It just happened... swear to god. I did not have designs on this... although I will say it had crossed my mind a few times. So, what's the problem, you ask? Well, this is someone I've been good friends with for a long time. This is a bonus and a potential problem. The bonus: we've known each other for about 9 years... all the get-to-know-you bullshit is out of the way. The problem? I don't want to screw this up... which I am very good at by just being me. This person is VERY important to me and I don't want it to end up badly. He's been there for me more times than I can count, always ready to jump in and help out in any way that he can. When things were going south with the Biologist, he didn't judge me, he just asked how he could help. That is a golden friend.... and I'd like to be able to keep that aspect of our friendship and be able to elevate it to the next level. You know, a friend and a lover... and possible soul-mate.

OK... so what's the problem, again? Me being me can be tough to take. When I decide to pursue something I jump ALL the way in. Some will dabble in the wading pool for a while and see where things go, never pushing things... just letting them unfold. I really suck at this. Always have. There have been a few over the years that have risen to the challenge... ex-hub actually did this pretty well (too bad he couldn't keep the intimate connection in the later years).

When faced with the daunting challenge that is me, he looked me straight in the face and told me he was going to marry me... after a month. I laughed in his face at the time, but he did what he said he was going to do. The Biologist, on the other hand, couldn't handle it. I was forever pushing him to tell me where things were going or how he felt about things... after 10 months he was a quivering puddle of mush. He just couldn't take me being me anymore.

Truly, I don't mean to be like this. It's just that when I'm with someone I'm forever thinking about us as a unit FOREVER (scary word, I know). I just don't know how to not be like that. If I'm with someone I want to think that this is it. That they are the one... always. So when I'm talking about things it can get daunting for the other person who's just like "hey, we just started this thing".

So, here's the issue I run into. I promised myself when I got out of my marriage that I just wanted to be able to be me... no sugar-coating. I had done enough of that while married. At that time I was OK with the idea of being single forever, if necessary. I was tired of trying to curb what is, essentially, me. I'm a strong personality that has no problem saying what's on her mind (but you knew that, if you've been reading this).

But now I have this thing that I really want to work and I find myself over-thinking and wondering what I should say and what I should just leave in my head. If I was smart, I would probably leave it all in my head. But no one ever accused me of being smart... so far, if it's been on my mind, it's been said. And he seems to be dealing well enough. But I wonder when I will push too far and that will be the end of that? He's not as vocal as I am, so sometimes I wonder what goes on in that head of his... but that totally is a Mars/Venus thing anyway. But we haven't really said how we're feeling about one another... so I wait and wonder. I don't want to be the one to bring it up, because I know how I feel and I don't want to cloud what he's thinking or feeling with what goes on in my head.

But, don't get me wrong or misunderstand. I'm not this weird bundle of nerves constantly wondering when things might implode... It seems we have that rare combination of chemistry and compatibility. Something that I'm really enjoying. I really can't remember the last time that I was this happy with someone else. Maybe never this content or happy up till now. I could see this going the distance. But you tell this to someone you've just gotten together with and they are likely to think you belong in the nut-house.

But again, it is just the way I am. I'm passionate and don't want to have to curb that side of me anymore... so I guess we'll see what happens.


  1. I say just keep saying whatever is on your mind so he doesn't have to keep reading this blog to find out what your thinking :) hehehe

  2. Can you say- "caught between a Rock and a Hard Place"? (me being me). HA!

  3. Farmer - zippy the lippy!! Don't make me ban you from this blog, mister :)