Friday, July 31, 2009

Persona non grata...

Defined by as: a person who is not welcome...

Basically, no one wants me... and I am so very frustrated by this. I have tried everything I can think of to find a job. I have applied to everything and anything. I have gone to the employment agencies... I even drove around town today and just stopped everywhere I saw a "help wanted" sign. And no one wants me. I just want to cry.

To make matters worse, a project that I thought had possible money making potential has turned out to be a dud. I had high hopes for it... but right now, no one is seeing the value in it and it has been turned down by all but 2 people I have talked to about it (around 40 businesses)... and one of those was my dad, so he doesn't count. He would try to support me in any way that he could because that is just the kind of person he is.

I feel that I am withering under the crushing weight of it all. And normally I would text or call Farmer for a little moral uplift... but I don't feel I can do that right now either. He's got a lot going on and he really doesn't need that kind of hassle.

I did call the bff and she really didn't have any other ideas on it either. I did tell Hoofer (who just stopped by a minute ago) to ask around and see if anyone is hiring. He said he'd let me know. Maybe the dairy might need a helping hand.

But the simple truth is this... I am out of ideas and feeling very lost at the moment. I don't feel it's fair to saddle Farmer with all the financial responsibility at this point in our relationship. You know, it might be different if we were a few years into it... but right now I feel like I need to be making a contribution. Maybe it's just me, but I want to feel like a part of something... that I matter. Is that really such a bad thing? And the job really doesn't matter... I will do whatever. I have before and would again. Hell, in my younger years I worked as a yard dog at a lumber company. I even ran the drive-thru at the local BK many years ago.

All I know is that I am literally down to my last $25. I am 36 years old and I have a college education. It just isn't supposed to be like this.

I'm waiting for the universe to show me the way... I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

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