Break out the bubbly...

It's New Year's Eve...

As this year comes to a close the proper thing to do would be to reflect on what has gone on this past year, assess the lessons that have been learned (if any... sometimes it takes a few times) and make a plan of attack going into the new year.

Screw it... I am going to do no such thing.

I have already documented the complete mess that my life has been for the past year... no need to relive it again, in my opinion. After all, it always there just waiting to be read when I'm feeling a little nostalgic.

Instead I'm going to relax and enjoy the holiday. Wulfe is making the trek down to help me celebrate and it should be a fun weekend. Let the festivities begin...

Oh, and Happy New Year to you all!!

Just like old times...

So, I talked with Farmer tonight by phone. I hadn't spoken to him in a while and I thought I would see what he was up to. And what he was up to was his old self... and man, have I missed that!!

It really was just like old times... laughing, joking and ribbing each other. We were actually able to laugh and joke about our relationship... His take being that we should have just cut to the sex and left the rest of it out of the mix. Let's see, how did he put it? Oh yes... Just leave your pants at the door. That sentiment made me laugh so hard there were actual tears...

I mean, yes. It was rough... often he felt like he was being BBQ'ed anytime he opened his mouth. I'm hoping it wasn't quite that bad... but we were pretty far apart on a lot of things. And this trait that I find so endearing in a friend drove me completely nuts as his girlfriend. Ah, well... it was worth a try. I will never regret giving it a go... and I don't think he will either (with more counseling and possibly some shock treatment).

The most important part is this: we are still very good friends. The thing that mattered most stayed in tact...

Now, as I sit here I wonder if Wulfe is having the same kind of conversation with his ex? Their situation is a little different. He broke up with her (for good reasons that I won't get into) and she immediately went out and got a new boyfriend. Then a month later she got engaged... Yeah, I know... I had that same thought. A little quick, don't ya think?

For Wulfe it was just too much. He broke off contact and decided to let things heal before pursuing that friendship again. Smart move, if you ask me...  Anyway, as we were sitting over dinner this past weekend, I just got the impression that she was going to reach out to him again. And, lo and behold, not an hour later there she was showing up in a text. He decided to meet her tonight and wrap up that unfinished business and offer friendship if she was interested. Never an easy thing to do... especially when his mind is on someone else.

Hopefully it's going OK for him. I know for me and Farmer things are back to the way they were... and that alone is worth celebrating.

Hey, it could happen...

So, as the new year starts to draw near these are the times I once again start thinking about what I would like to accomplish in the next year. My theory in the past has been to shoot high in the hopes that maybe something will stick. So, here is my wish list for the next year...

1. Purchase a home. Now there are a few obstacles standing in the way of this one... I need to get the house in Idaho sold. Without that being out of my hair I really have no down payment and the thought of more than one mortgage scares the hell out of me. (True, ex-hub is taking care of it now, but as his circumstances change, this might too). As far as must haves for the home - Land... the more the better. Preferably with it's own water source somewhere on the property. The house itself I really don't care about as long as it has good feng shui. It has to have the right feeling... yes, yes, I know. That sounds stupid. But it's how I operate... Ask Wulfe. He witnessed that side of me first-hand this weekend (scared the crap out of him). The other thing is that I would like that home to be here, at the coast. I love this place... it has the best of all worlds. Jobs are tough to come by, but I happen to have one that I love and I really would like to stick with it (at least for a few years).

2. Love. (Shhhhhhhh... this is my wish list). Yes, I really want to be in love again. I know, I know. I am a glutton for punishment... I can't help it. It has been rough in that department this past year but as the end of this year draws to a close there is light on the horizon for this particular wish.

3. The horses here with me. This kind of ties in to #1, but I would like to have the critters here as soon as possible. I just need to find a way to make that happen. What I need is someone close that has a pasture sitting vacant that only wants $25 a head per month. Again... this is my list, so a girl can dream, can't she?

4. Shed a few pounds. OK... maybe more than a few. I feel better when I am at least 10 lbs lighter than I am now... I would prefer 20 or so. The puppies and I have started walking every morning so I'm hoping that will help. Plus, if I can get the horses down here I'd like to start training for endurance races again. I know Flash is ready to go and the first race I'd like to do is in April. Not sure if I can get the camper rounded up from Idaho by then... but something to think about.

5. Deal with Idaho. I am tired of uttering the phrase: I have that... but it's in Idaho. Ex-hub and I are still on pretty good terms, but I'm wondering how long that will last? He seems to be entering into the "angry" phase... as witnessed by the fact that he apparently stuck his hand through a window last week. Definitely not the person I remember. Plus, I am just ready to cut ties with that relationship once and for all. If there really is a friendship there it is pretty one-sided. Just like our marriage, if I don't make the effort then it just doesn't happen. I am ready to cut those types of people out of my life.

Well, I think that is an intimidating enough list for now... We shall see how well I do in getting 'er done.

Merry Christmas...

To all my readers, I just wanted to say a few things on this special day of the year. First of all, I hope that the things that I write touch you in some way... And although some don't understand why I do it, I know that it makes a difference to me to know that I am not alone as I travel through life's difficult times. And it makes me happy when I get to share the utter joys that life delivers, as well.

Wildflower has reminded me that there is no time to waste. Things may or may not turn out how you want them to, but not having the courage to grab an opportunity and take full advantage of it is the cowardly way to live life. I may experience more hurt than some other folks, but I also get to experience more joy. I have always leaped before I looked and accepted the consequences as they have come. Some things have worked... some have not. But I feel like I am trying to live life to the fullest and that is all we can do.

The tail end of this year has brought about some unexpected changes in my life that I am looking forward to exploring... and to all of my family and friends (especially bff, Wildflower, Wulfe and Farmer) you mean the world to me... Thank you for being a part of this crazy ride that is my life!!

I repeat.... oh, nevermind...

So, it's basically been one thing or another since I've moved into my place. Don't get me wrong, for what it is I love it. It's.... cozy. Which is another way of saying I have moved into a postage stamp. Good thing it's just me and the dogs... it would be pretty tight with another human being here (not that that wouldn't be nice).

My landlord is interesting to say the least. I'm pretty sure he was one of the most active hippies in the 60's... and is still going strong. For instance... my water heater did not really work when I moved in. You could get maybe 5 minutes of good hot water until it would poop out on you and turn lukewarm. So I would have to do things in shifts. This shower: wash my hair. Next: shave... you get the idea. But see, one of my deepest pleasures is a long, hot shower. And I was being seriously deprived!! So, I kept mentioning to Hippie that it really needed to be fixed. He agreed... and then would promptly forget we had spoken. I am pretty sure he is a few bottles short of a six-pack.

You can't just have a conversation with him on a particular subject... there has to be many. Eventually the job does get done though... I do have a new hot-water heater... oh, and internet. The cable is a WIP (work in progress). The dish people set it up wrong so now we are both fighting over the same signal... I'm supposed to be on my own signal so I can watch what I would like... not whatever he is watching. It is a different experience to watch your TV while someone else (not even in the same house) is manning the controls. Let's just say we do not agree on what makes for good TV.

So maybe, if I'm lucky, we'll have that sorted out by the first of the year... but I'm not holding my breath.

A sad day...

My good friend Wildflower lost her ex-lover/best friend yesterday. And because she and I are like twins, always thinking and feeling the same things, my heart breaks for her. I have only felt what she is feeling to a small degree and I know how the bone-crushing grief can be overwhelming, barely allowing you to breathe.

And just when you think you might get your head above the ocean of sorrow, the smallest thing pulls you back down again. I want to hug her and tell her it will eventually all be OK. Not better... it will never be better. After all, he is gone from this world. But, with time, it will be OK. The grief will be replaced by happy memories. Instead of incredible sadness when she thinks of him there will be joy that she got to have him in her life for that brief period of time... and experience comfort knowing that he is now watching over her (and I am CERTAIN that he is).

Wildflower was there for me on one of the darkest days of my life... I am so very sad that I cannot return the favor.

I love her and am thinking of her...

Troubling thoughts...

Occassionaly there are moments in your life when a triggering moment will start a cascade of emotions. All of those carefully crafted walls are no match for the sea of emotions that has just been unleashed. And just like the levies in New Orleans, those walls are no match for the tide that has just engulfed them. Everything that you thought had been dealt with comes to the forefront, once again.

I am troubled by the fact that things that I thought I could always count on being there start to disintigrate before me... with nothing for me to do but watch. Where once words of compassion and love filled the air, now only awkward conversation and miscommunication can be heard. Promises that were made start to fracture like delicate glass. And just like fractured glass, the harder I try to hold on to it the deeper the cuts go.

It is amazing to me that the actions of another can wound our souls so deeply. I am still struck by the deep betrayal of ex-hub. He promised, in front of God and witnesses, to always love and cherish me... that we would be two halves of a whole. And I believed... only to find out that I didn't mean to him what I thought I did. His pride was way more important than our happiness.

And now with two more failed relationships behind me, I wonder if I want the impossible? Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? Someone with whom your soul can't and won't live without? I think I have seen this here on this Earth, but then again... looks can be decieving. Perhaps it's just not possible. There is a line from a movie that goes something like: "you don't want to be in love... you want to be in love in the movies...". Do I suffer from this affliction?

This is the one myth that I don't want to find out doesn't exist... like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. I continue to believe because I want so very much for it to be true. But I am plagued by the fact that perhaps it is not love that is the problem... perhaps it is me. Maybe I am the kind of person that does not inspire these kinds of thoughts or feelings. Am I so difficult that I make it impossible for this type of relationship to really exist? I realize that I come with a lot of baggage... but I always believed that this was balanced out by the fact that there were a lot of good things there too. But am I giving myself way too much credit? I don't know...

And perhaps it is just one of those days... I just need to wait for the tide to recede and build the walls back up. I hope that what I fear does not come to pass... that what I am witnessing is just a difficult time that will work itself out.

Only time will tell...

Cat attack...

So, I was sitting around on the beach this morning chit-chatting with some newly made friends. They are a married couple that walk their puppy around the same time I do every morning. Their puppy is thrilled to have friends to play with... Noelle seems pretty ecstatic about the proposition as well. Daisy just wants to be left alone to go sniff and roll in whatever she deems worthy.

So anyway, we were relating funny stories back and forth. And I was telling them about the 2 kitties that are still with Farmer... Bug and Spiderman.

Bug is a skinny gray and white cat that is so named because he is a PEST. No ifs, ands or buts about it. He is always right under your feet, or elbow, or back, or knee... and he is very naughty. When you hear squeeking coming from inside the house (usually in the kitchen) this just means that Bug has brought his still semi-conscious dinner inside to play with.

At this point I'm usually pointing at Farmer to dispose of both cat and din-din... and no, I don't care that it's still alive. Just get it out of here... STAT. To remove the mouse is simple enough... just grab the cat by the scruff of the neck and make sure he has a grip on the mouse. Then unceremoniously toss them both outside. Problem solved... until he drags it back in through the dog door.

Spiderman, on the other hand, is a somewhat chunky black cat with a kinked tail. Hunting for him is a recreational sport... not a matter of eat or not. In fact, if given his choice Spiderman prefers dog food over cat food any day of the week. If you think your dogs get excited at feeding time, you haven't seen anything until you've seen a black, pudgy fur ball going mach 20 across the kitchen floor in hopes of picking up a few morsels that the dogs (or Farmer) may have dropped or left behind. And if he's not stalking the dog food then he's laid out on one of the dog beds... usually on his back with his legs stretched out as far as they can go. If a dog dares try to take over the dog bed then they soon learn the error of their ways.

So a while back I was at Farmer's place and it was a beautiful day so I had gone for a ride. As I was unsaddling I noticed that Spiderman was herding the neighbor's wild chickens towards the barn with Bug in hot pursuit. They managed to get the chickens (about 20 of them) into the barn and up on a stack of hay.

So Bug sits down in front of the stack while Spiderman goes around the back and begins to climb the stack and prep for his stealth attack. And as I'm watching this I'm thinking they are pretty smart. Bug is keeping their attention forward so Spiderman can catch one from the back... not bad, kids.

Spiderman then launches himself off the stack and manages to actually land on the back of one of the chickens. Mass chicken hysteria ensues. The one with Spiderman attached to it actually takes flight with him hanging on for all he's worth. The rest of the chickens have, in the meantime, sprinted down the stack and right over the top of Bug.... he didn't stand a chance. He was literally flattened by 19 chickens running around like... well, like chickens with their heads cut off. But I am here to tell you that all of the chickens were definitely in possession of their heads when they flattened the cat.

Meanwhile, Spiderman is going for the 8 second ride and trying desperately not to get bucked off by the hysterical beast beneath him. No luck... he's dumped after about two flaps of the feathers. So now there are two flattened cats laying on the barn floor desperately trying to assess what the hell just happened as feathers from the recently departed chickens gently float to the floor. And you can just see them staring at each other with a look like "well that didn't go the way I thought it would".

And then the blame game begins...

Bug: What the hell? Why didn't you hang on longer?

Spiderman: Me? You were supposed to keep them there on the stack... not let them run over the top of you.

Bug: Run over? They did no such thing. I just happened to think that I really didn't want to keep them there anymore for strategic purposes. Plus, all you had to do was ride that one to the ground and then we would have had it.

Spiderman: I tried!! Did you see the way that thing was flapping around? It was wild!! Plus it was like way bigger than I am...

Bug: Uh huh. Sure. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You're huge. That chicken was lucky to get in the air at all with all the combined weight.

Spiderman: Oh never mind. Let's go find Daisy or Missy... they'll be more than happy to kill one for us.

Bug: Deal...

Am I really asking for too much?

So, I'm back to thinking about what I would like to find in a future mate... and have discussed this topic with a few of my friends... male and female. Everyone, of course, has a different opinion on what I want as far as a mate goes... Bff, being ever practical, shrugs her shoulders and basically tells me I might be alone for the rest of my life if I hold out for all that. Wildflower, who is exactly like me, thinks that it is definitely attainable. Wulfe (the man's perspective) wonders why I don't just go out and have some of my needs met... oh and he's more than willing to provide that service, of course (what breathing man with functioning equipment isn't... really? Except for my ex-hub... and that's a whole other conversation). Thanks for the offer, but...

Anyway, I don't think that my list is all that unreasonable. Basically it boils down to 3 things. I want to be the world to that person... I want that person to be the world to me... oh, and the sex needs to be fantastic. Seems reasonable to me... but then again I do tend to live in my own little universe. Farmer loved to point this out to me quite frequently.

Nothing wrong with that, I say. I just need to find a man that doesn't mind visiting my universe for stretches at a time...

So much for the banana belt...

So, I've been down at the coast for a little over a month now. When I first moved here I would talk to my mom in the valley and the weather there would always be colder than here. Every one explained to me that this was the "banana belt"... however, I will be the first to tell you that I have yet to see an actual banana tree anywhere in the vicinity.

So while the rest of Oregon was preparing for the cold snap, I figured I wouldn't need to worry... after all, we are in the banana belt, right? So imagine my surprise when I woke up the other day to a balmy 9º. Perhaps they meant banana belt in the ironic sense?

But even though it was only 9º out, the dogs still needed to be walked... otherwise Noelle might actually go stark-raving mad (she's a heeler mix and just can't help herself... she's got a lot of energy). So I began to bundle up.

Long johns? Check. Wool socks? Check. Arctic insulated Carharts? Check. Puffy down jacket? Check. Gloves? Check. Hat? Check. Dogs? Check and check.

So out I go into the frigid weather looking like the Michelin Man's long lost ugly step-sister. I mean, I've got so many clothes on I am waddling. The dogs, on the other hand, are ecstatic about the cold weather... they are running around like chickens with their heads cut off but I finally manage to get the leashes on the stupid beasts... I mean dogs.

So off we go... them bouncing around... me just trying not to fall over as I waddle along (because if I do happen to hit the ground there is no way I'm getting upright again). We make it to the beach with little incident so I decide to let them off to run around on the sand. They take off like bats out of hell, racing each other down the beach... and as I'm watching them I realize that Daisy, being the extremely smart dog that she is, has positioned herself on the upside of the beach whereas Noelle is racing along the wet sand where the tide has gone out. For a while this works out great until they come upon a spot where the water has pooled somewhat... and is now ice because it's only 9º out (wait... did I mention that already?)

Noelle hits that patch at full speed... unfortunately for her. All four legs immediately go out from underneath her and as she hits her stomach she begins to spin like a top across the ice. Daisy, of course, has stopped to watch the festivities... Noelle finally hits the other side of the ice patch (still on her stomach) and comes to a screeching halt. I am laughing so hard by this time that I am in danger of falling over and possibly becoming an oceanic float when the tide comes back in.

Noelle sheepishly picks herself back up, gives her fur a good shake and proceeds to take off down the beach again at full speed. This is a dog that I can see trying to lick a metal pole just to see what will happen... more than once.

Not my brightest animal. But I love her just the same... and nothing compares to the comic relief she provides on a daily basis.

So happy to have my mutts back with me...

How much I is TMI?

I know this will come as a complete shock for some of you, but I'm going to go ahead and put it out there anyway... I can be a blunt person *gasp*

I know, I know. My mother swears that when filters were being handed out in heaven I chose to go and play with my friends. I don't know... apparently it just didn't seem that important to me at the time. And to be honest, I still don't really think there is a need. Oh, occasionally I will say something that will make all those around me gasp in horror... but those times are becoming more and more infrequent.

So, one of two things is happening:
1. I am becoming more careful in what I say (yeah, right)
or
2. People are just getting more and more used to TMI.

I suspect in my case I can thank number 2. I suspect this tolerance of TMI has come about because of the wonderful world of FaceBook. I can log on at any time and get the status updates from hundreds of my closest friends... and these people have NO problem saying whatever is on their minds. Seriously.

Case in point... I'm looking through it right now and a current status is: Bigfoot encounter in Wahkiacus, WA. 3:00 am, dogs going crazy, horses galloping like mad in the corral. Stepped outside to smell the fowlest smell I had ever smelled. I was being watched...

I'm telling ya... these people will just put it out there.

But then you have those that don't give you enough I. They hold things back that they definitely should be saying right up front. For instance... I have a friend, Wildflower, who was dating this guy for a few months. Things were going great. She was a little concerned because they were kind of in different places. She has a steady job, he's just now starting back to school... but she was really enjoying his company and thought that it could really go somewhere when he got his life figured out.

So, she ran into the friend that set them up a few days ago. This friend asked Wildflower how things were going. Wildflower explained that it was good but that she wasn't sure about being in such different places, because she was ready to settle down, get married and have kids. So the friend stops in her tracks and turns to Wildflower and says "you know he can't have kids, right?".

Um, NO!! Wildflower was NOT aware of this little fact. Come to find out, he not only had had a vasectomy, he also already had 2 kids from a previous relationship... WTF? How do you manage to not mention that once in the 5 or so months you have been together?

Of course, Wildflower did the only thing she could... she dumped the bum.

Good for you, girl!!

It's the 100th post!! Have a drink on me...

Hard to believe, but this is my 100th post. Amazing to think that I would have so much to write about that could possibly fill 100 posts... but there you have it.

I have a hodge-podge of topics to cover today, so let's get this party started...

1. El Dub (aka my dad) was mentioning that he absolutely cannot understand why I put myself out here like I do. His reasoning: people will take the information and knowledge that you give them and use it against you. And, I suppose, some might. I think that this tarnished view of the world comes from his being in some sort of sales type job for most of his life... I think jobs like that scar you for life (I mean, look at the dealership... I was lucky to escape with very little brain damage). I happen to think that most people want to see good things happen and try to support you in your endeavors. If I'm wrong about that I hope to remain blissfully unaware. So I will continue to "put it out there". It's been nice knowing I'm not the only one going through these things.

2. Moving on to mom now... She is convinced that the reason I "do not have religion" is because organized religion is very inconvenient. And it is... VERY inconvenient. But that isn't the reason. I really haven't found one yet that really "speaks" to me. Her argument would be that you have to go to know... yes, yes. I get that. Perhaps that is something I will explore in the next year. Maybe...

3. OK, now for the "big juan"... THE MOVE. Yes, it happened this weekend. And, boy, let me tell ya... what a weekend it was. Did a trip down to EO to pick up my stuff from Farmer's. That was tough but I made it through. The bonus? It was sunny with no wind so Flash and I went out for a nice ride as well. It was hard to really say goodbye to Farmer. Oh, I'll see him now and again (he does have my horses, after all) but it won't be the same. I don't live there anymore...

So, got that stuff and drove back to Hillsboro. Loaded up my brother's truck and my car and headed to the coast on Sunday. Got everything moved into the house... did I mention that I have just moved into a postage stamp? Seriously. This place is small... The dogs are wondering how the hell to get out of the way when I'm trying to get stuff put away. The bonus is that there is a yard, the utilities are paid and I'm only a block and a half from the beach.... it's awesome.

The dogs and I are loving our morning walks on the beach... and what a great way to start the day!!

I'm feeling pretty damn lucky. Things are starting to sort themselves out.... finally. It's been a tough year, but it's ending on a good note.

Couldn't ask for anything more...

Giving thanks... Not the heimlich...

It's Thanksgiving today... all day. For me, now back in the newspaper business, it's hard to remember that Thanksgiving hasn't actually happened yet. I'm already onto deadlines for papers coming in December... and the focus is on Christmas. Sometimes it's hard to remember that it's still November.

But, I have the day off (paid) and I'm at the Parentals looking forward to good food and good times. Unfortunately my body doesn't realize that we are not back in EO... once again I am awake at 5:45am on the nose (again, I totally blame this on Farmer). So, while the rest of the house sleeps peacefully (dogs included) I have decided that now is a good time to reflect on where I'm at, what I'm thankful for, and where I'm headed in the future. Deep, I know...

So, let's start with the "where I'm at" portion of this program:

It has been a crazy year filled with some incredible ups and some very tough downs. I have survived a failed marriage, 2 failed relationships (one of which really had potential), being fired (from a job I hated and don't miss one bit) and 3 monumental moves. Yeah... no wonder I'm tired all the time. It's been a hell of a year.

However, somehow I have managed to land in a good place (and we are now in the "what I'm thankful for" portion of the program for those of you who didn't catch the transition). I love the coast. I have the gorgeous coast range at my back, the ocean at my front, my family and friends only a short drive away, and a job that I really love (even when I'm working hellacious hours). It is a good place where I am at. I would usually stop and lament about the things that didn't work out quite the way I wanted, but that's for another post. This post is about the things that are working... not the ones that aren't or didn't. Oh, and did I mention I get to move into my place this weekend? I get my to have my doggies with me!! I can't tell you how much I've missed them. I know they've had a good time with Farmer, but they are my pups and I miss having them around. I know all you critter owners out there know exactly what I mean.

The other thing that has been very interesting is the phenomenon of FaceBook. I have reconnected with so many people and rekindled so many old friendships... it is wonderful. It's like a huge support system that you could never have outside of technology and the internet. For instance... my buddy Wulfe and I met up for drinks and some din-din last night. I had been friends with him in high school. Hadn't seen or heard from him in at least 20 years. He found me on FB and we began reconnecting which led to an extremely fun night last night. We talked for hours. He's a cool guy that I'm glad came back into my life again. And so it has been with many others... old roommates, ex-boyfriends, past classmates... all there at the touch of my fingers. When I'm down, I know just who to tell... all my friends on FB and the love and support just rolls in. Fantastic!!

As for where I'm headed in the future? I do know that love will eventually find me again. Until then I think I'll just take it easy and have some fun. I feel the old confident me starting to re-emerge... I have missed her. And this is why my dinner with Wulfe was so interesting... he reminded me of the person I used to be. I had forgotten some things that I really need to hold on to. Oh, there are things about that person I used to be that I have no problem leaving in the past... but there are some things that I have rediscovered that I plan on keeping better track of in the future.

Nothing is quite so liberating as seeing yourself through someone else's eyes. It gives you a whole new perspective. It was one of the things that I really enjoyed with Farmer (and still do...).

Well, Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Thank you for your support and kind words over the last 8 months... it has been much needed.

And now I'm going to lay off the happy pills and see about rustling up some turkey...

I wonder who's shower I'm in?

Despite having the drive home from hell on Sunday night/Monday morning and then working a 12 or 13 hour day, I'm up at the butt-crack of predawn again (thanks Farmer... this is totally your doing). My neck feels like it has been vice-gripped and my range of motion is limited to a 1/2 inch side to side and down. I really need to stretch it back, but that is a no-go right now. Neck pain is the worst.

Anyway, I figured that since I was up I might as well get in the shower and see if the hot water could take some of the stiffness out. I'm standing there with my head down letting the water do it's magic when out of the corner of my eye I catch movement.

I am not alone...

There, scampering along the wall, is a spider. I HATE spiders. And of course he is headed down the wall and into the tub where he could possibly touch me. Completely unacceptable.

To discourage this move, I flick some water his way. He (or she... tough to tell unless it's a black widow. And I'm happy to report that it wasn't) He stops in his tracks and decides that it is far to wet now to continue and starts to make his way back up the wall (good spider). To encourage that movement, every time he hesitates I flick a little more water. Pretty soon he is up on the shelf with the shampoo seeking refuge. Good spider. Stay!!

But it got me wondering. To him the water droplets must have seemed monumental. I'm pretty sure he wasn't aware that I was the one flicking it at him. To him it was just "something" and he took the hint and got the hell out of dodge. Disaster averted and he lives to see another day. Makes me wonder if this isn't true for us as well?

I personally believe that there is something out there. Call it what you will. He (or She) goes by many names to many different people. I just call it the universe. I would dive in way deeper but that's like 400 posts. Suffice it to say that I believe and for now that's what I call it. I also believe that He (or She) didn't just make this place and then leave it to us. I still think there is a guiding hand to nudge us in this direction or that. And I also think that if you don't seize the opportunities that come along, they stop coming. This is the main reason why I'm at the coast. This is where the universe nudged me. I don't know why yet... but that will come along at some point. I did my part and grabbed onto the opportunity that was presented. I knew at some point it would come along, but not before I was ready.

I'm sure you're wondering where all this is leading? Well, Farmer and I called it good this weekend. He doesn't see any value in pursuing anything other than a friendship and I have no intention of pursuing something that someone else doesn't see value in. So... that's done. The friendship will go on... and be better for all that's gone on between us. But it's time to move on.

Don't get me wrong... I'm very bummed about this particular turn of events, but when the universe flicks water at you, you move. End of story. Plus I want to be with someone who really wants to be with me. I know Farmer enjoys my company, but not like I would want.

I'm hoping I did him a favor. I'm hoping that he saw that life could be different than what he thought... That there is more to it than just work. Only time will tell if he learned that lesson. As for me, I learned that you can have many things in common but see the world from a completely different point of view. Farmer has made me look at things from a different perspective. He'll probably always be someone I go to for advise. He's good at pointing out angles I had never even considered. He's the calm in my storm.

So life will move on...

On a side note: My buddy Wulfe has started a blog called "My Thoughts". I have posted a link to it at the top of the page. Go check it out... I think it's going to be a good one to follow.

I hope not...

I'm know I'm not the only one, although some days it feels that way. I'm talking about depression. It's an insidious creature that doesn't discriminate... It envelopes you in a foggy cage that seems almost inescapable sometimes.

For the most part I have been pretty good about doing the things that keep the depression at bay... living in sunny areas, riding frequently, getting out with my friends and family, creating a good home environment. There was one year where I was completely hamstrung by depression and I NEVER want to have a time like that again. I was basically sleeping for 18 to 20 hours a day and completely non-functional.

So, why am I bringing this up? After all, I finally have a job that I LOVE... so what's the problem, you ask? Yes, that part of my life is finally straightened out, but it's the only part. And as much as I love my job I am not the type of person that lives to work. I work to live... doing something I like to do is just a huge bonus.

This week (if you've been reading back) has not been the best week. I can feel the wisps of depression starting to surround me. I don't think it's weather related... surprisingly enough, the sun is out quite frequently here (and trust me, I am surprised... it is the Oregon coast, after all). I think it more has to do with the fact that I've been living out of my car for almost a month, money is extremely tight (and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to get this enormous deposit together), I really have no friends here, I don't have any of my animals here. I sit around stressing out about all of the aspects of my life that are still a mess and then I stress out over the fact that I'm stressing out when I should just be grateful that I have a job... and one I like.

I feel myself chasing my own tail and that's a tough cycle to break. I continue to have the "oh shit" moments although I know I've done the right thing. People keep telling me that it will all get sorted out (I know they mean well) and intellectually I know this is true... emotionally is a completely different matter and I'm an emotional person (like you couldn't tell). And I don't feel like there is anyone who really understands... so then I don't feel like really calling anyone and talking about it. I find myself defending these feelings and I hate doing that. Plus I have no idea what I want from them... I know I'm tired of hearing that it's just in my head and I'm fine. Right now it's really hard and people don't seem to get that. I have just moved to a place where I know no one... alone. It's a hell of a lot harder than it seems...

During work I'm a happy person and glad to be here. After work when I'm sitting around alone is when I feel it most. Some people like and crave that alone time... I, on the other hand, fear it. I'm too much in my own head as it is. I really don't need this much time for it.

I know it seems like I'm a whiny, ungrateful bitch. Mostly I just need to vent without feeling like I'm being judged...

Are you sure?

One of Farmer's favorite sayings is to remind me that the world does not revolve around me. But sometimes I just can't help but wonder about a cause and effect thing going on...

For instance, Monday night I happened to mention that I missed him. On Tuesday I didn't hear from him at all... other than a 2 word reply to a text I had sent him a couple of hours previously. When I called him around 9pm he was already in bed and not in the mood to talk.

So then I wonder... is the lack of communication a response to me saying that I missed him? Or was he just having one of those days and didn't have the time or energy to chat with me?

I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I just can't help it...

Didn't see that one coming...

As you may know, I spent the weekend at my parents' house dog sitting Simba (their Rottweiler/St. Bernard) and Midas (Booty's Chow Chow). Midas is hangin' at the parentals until Booty comes back from East Asia. For an entertaining read, click on the link to the right about her travels. She's having an awesome time.

Anyway, I was supposed to see Bff and a couple other people while I was in town... but that was derailed when I came down with flu-like symptoms. I don't if it was the flu, per se but I was running a pretty good fever and felt like absolute crap. This was not helped by the fact that my period also started so I was dealing with cramps and that crap as well. Not the best weekend I've ever had.

So, to make a long story short, I didn't see anyone. No one wanted to be around my germs. And I don't blame them and I completely understood. I did have dinner last night with my parents and that was nice (and yummy, too).

When I got back to the gay guys' house I was all of a sudden hit with the most profound sense of loneliness... I was totally unprepared for it. I was having an oh shit, what have I done moment. I don't know anyone here. I don't have any friends here. I don't have Farmer here. I don't have my dogs or horses here.

I am ALONE...

Oh, the feeling finally passed after some seriously intense moments but I so didn't like that.

I wonder...

So I've been giving the question of Farmer and I a lot of thought, lately. I keep going back to the morning that basically was the beginning of the end and I wonder why I was so upset that morning. I also wonder why Farmer and I sometimes bring out the worst in each other?

As for the first question, I think I may have an answer. Information, I think, is a major key to a relationship working or not. So much can be kept secret simply by the act of omission. The Biologist was a master at this... and so was ex-hub to some extent (although ex-hub did it merely out of laziness... not in trying to keep secrets from me). I tend to get very defensive when things are going on that I had no prior knowledge of. And it's not like I cared where he was going or what he was doing (I was NEVER worried about him cheating on me or anything like that) but it somewhat seemed a repeat of my marriage... two people going their own directions and doing their own things without really consulting or involving the other person. I'm probably very hyper-sensitive to it. In my mind it's like how long does it take to make a quick phone call when things arise? I'm sure to Farmer it was no big deal. In fact, knowing him like I do, I'm sure that morning he was trying very hard not to wake me up because I had to get up later and work. That's just the kind of person he is. I know I came at him way to hard... but there is nothing I can do about that now. I try to slow down and not be so reactionary these days... but I don't always succeed. For better or worse, it is a part of who I am. You can ask my mother...

As for the second question... that one I'm still working on. I think it has something to do with 2 very strong personalities clashing on occassion. My very strong will brings out his very strong will. For the most part I think this is a good thing... occassionally it really trips us up. I actually really love the fact that his opinions are as strong as mine... once I've stepped back and really thought about what he had to say. In the moment, I'm probably not nearly as appreciative of that trait as I should be. And this is where I start to wonder if a long-distance situation could maybe be a very good thing?

I have no intentions of dating anyone else. I'm pretty sure he doesn't either (could be wrong... wouldn't be the first time). We need time and a little distance to figure each other out. I think in time we could get those things ironed out and really make something of this. Of course, this could all be a completely moot subject. I'm probably jumping the gun considering that I have absolutely no idea where he's at on this.

But I'm just doing what I do best... putting out there what is on my mind. For better or worse...

Good question...

I gotta admit, I'm quite liking my new town of residence. Only one problem that I see so far... no one my age really. During the winter this is basically a retiree place. Which is fine except that it would be nice to interact with people in my own generation. Oh well...

A couple of things that have been weighing on my mind a bit though...

1. A place to live. This has been way more of a challenge than I thought it would be. The places that I can afford (and that will accept my dogs) have been places I wouldn't want to be... for a couple of reasons. Either the place was a complete pit or the neighborhood was somewhere in "deliverance" country. However, I may have found a place last night. A guy called in to the paper to place an ad for his small rental cottage. 1 br/1 ba (fine... just me, don't need a ton of space), fenced yard, dogs accepted and all utilities included except power... and in my price range. It will be ready at the end of the month. Perfect timing too. I think I'll be taking that one. Also, it's on a month-to-month if I happen to find something better.

2. Farmer. He's on my mind for a couple of reasons. First I have basically dumped my critters on him while I've been off trying to get things figured out here at the coast. This I feel really bad about... although he doesn't seem to know why I would feel guilty. The guys have said I can bring my dogs here to stay while I'm house sitting and I appreciate the offer. The problem? The have a TON of knick-knack type items that I am afraid Noelle would (not intentionally) destroy while I'm not at home to supervise. I know at Farmer's that they are safe and can get into very little trouble. Oh, he'll call me and tell me about things they've done (such as chewing the top off of a medicine bottle or dragging stuff out of the burn barrel) but for the most part it is a working farm where there is very little to get destroyed. But I feel like I'm taking advantage of Farmer and I never want him to feel that way... because I love him.

The 2nd reason is a little more complicated. And one I don't know how to discuss... I miss him. I'm sure he misses me too although he really doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to make it harder. Plus we're in a very weird place right now. Hendrix had asked if we were still together... good question. The short answer? It's complicated...

We're not together, but we are more than just friends. I'm not really sure where he stands on all of this. I have put it out there about doing the long-distance thing. I'm not sure he really wants to go there either... I'm not sure exactly why but I do have my suspicions. I have a feeling that he will feel it's very 1-sided because I would be doing all of the traveling... I know he doesn't have time to come here therefore it would be up to me to go there. Which I do anyway because (like I previously mentioned) I miss him and I get to see my critters... dogs and horses. I'm probably going to have to leave at least 2 horses there so I'll be headed that way quite a bit. I don't know... my opinion is why not give it a try and if the travel gets to be a drag or if we're just not connecting then call it good. I don't know about him, but I enjoy talking to him and hearing how his day went. When I'm there it's just nice to sit around on a Saturday evening and spend time together.

But, like I said... we really haven't discussed it so I have no idea where he stands on any of this. And I don't want to discuss this over the phone... this is an "in person" kind of discussion, I think. But maybe not... who knows?

I do know that this weekend I'm headed to my parent's house to dog-sit so I won't be headed to EO. I could make a day trip but that is a lot of driving in a very short weekend.

I'm thinking if Farmer and I did make a go of this long-distance I would probably be cutting it to 2 weekends a month... for my own sanity (and possibly his).

I've had better...

So got settled into the gay guy's home last night. They have graciously offered to let me use their house while they are off traveling for the next 20 days.

Only one problem... food poisoning. Let's just say it was a rough night with things not able to decide which way they were going to be expelled. Definitely no sleep was had... and I desperately needed it.

Oh well. My stomach is still very unhappy, but I think the worst of it is over.

Hopefully...

My new home?

To my readers:

Sorry I have been lax on posting. It's been very busy. I know, I know... not an excuse, but the truth non the less.

So, I'll start with the house-hunting issue. For the first 2 weeks of this job the paper has been putting me up in a motel. It's not bad... kinda like a little private cabin with very spotty internet service (hence the lack of posts). After this week is over, I'm on my own... and I have yet to find a place. The panic is starting to set in. I do have a couple of back-up options, just in case. But I'm tired of living out of my car and a suitcase. And I miss my dogs... which can't come with until I have a place of my own. And people can't come to visit until I have a place of my own.

So Pub (my publisher) tells me about a friend of hers that is in property management. I take a look at his website and find a couple that look like they could work. I know Pub has mentioned to this guy that I have dogs. When I call to inquire about the rentals I also mention that I have dogSSSS (plural).

So, anyway... I tell him which ones I'm interested in and he tells me to drive by them first to make sure it's what I'm looking for. So I drive all over the place looking at the outside of these units. Some are cute... some are a mess. Some are in neighborhoods I don't want to live. The ones that fall under the last 2 are crossed off the list, which leaves about 4. So I go by the office and tell him and his (seriously leathery) assistant which ones I'd like to see. He tells me to come back at 3pm. OK...

So I go back at 3pm. When I walk in I again mention that I have dogs and are the units I'm interested in dog friendly. They are. However, he then proceeds to tell me that he needs to meet the dogs before we can go any further. Um.... small problem. The dogs are 5 hours East. I explain the situation to him (that I am moving from far away and can't really bring them down without a place for them... i.e. a home). I also tell him that his good friend, Pub, has met the dogs when I did the day trip for the interview. Well, he says, I brought them once why not again? Um... it was a day trip? I've got no place to keep them for the week. For some reason he's just not grasping the concept of why this is not going to happen. I do, however, offer to him for him to drive out to EO and meet them that way. That would be easier, after all.

So needless to say I depart without having seen any of his units. And it's not like he only has 1 or 2 to rent. The list is like 30 units long and a couple of the buildings have multiple ones for rent. So I go back and Pub is like, uh oh... was he being a Jackass? Oh yeah. You could say that.

So it is now Thursday in week 2 and I still don't have a clue as to where I'm going to live... YIPE!! I hate being homeless... I know that there are some temporary options, but I would like to get fully moved and settled already. But something will shake loose (I hope).

As for Farmer... I guess the discussion we had last Saturday really made a difference. He was back to his old self and it was just like old times. I really enjoyed myself. I miss him (and my dogs, and the cats, and the horses) but I'm also glad to be doing what I'm doing. I still wonder if a long distance relationship is an option. He is one of the few people that I would even consider doing that with...

But that's a question for another day I suppose.

Contrast and compare...

So, the first week of my new job is over. I really love it and am glad the opportunity has come along. I finally feel like I'm starting to get my shit together... and it's about time. Seriously.

It's been a really long and very difficult year. Yes, I know. It could be (and could have been) so much worse. But for me it's been a tough one. Luckily I have a very understanding family (thanks Aunt Vik for the warm and cozy blankie) and very good friends who are there for me whenever I need them. Bff has been my compass for most of this year and I have relied on her opinions when I wasn't sure what was in my own mind... which has been a lot (damn birth control anyway).

Anywho... there has just been one aspect of this whole thing that has been niggling the back of my mind. I was really feeling like there was some serious unfinished business between Farmer and I. That there was something there that I was not ready to let go quite yet...

But, funny thing. Whether you are ready to let go or not, sometimes the decision is taken away from you. For the second time this year I have basically walked away from a relationship and the other person has been completely OK with it. I am back to the "am I not a good catch?" place. I mean, was it that bad? Really?

Up until I actually got back, I was seriously thinking that we could possibly do it long-distance. Well, that notion has been seriously quashed. Gone is the joy of seeing me after an absence. Gone is the sexual tension that always used to be there. I am "just a friend" again. Really and truly...

It's like there is a bubble around him and any time I begin to enter he immediately pulls back. What it reminds me of is this friend I had in high-school who really wanted to be way more than friends. I, however, did not. Anytime this guy got even a little close to me I was pulling back because I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. And now I am on the other side of that fence...

Wow. Never thought I would be in that position...

So, I guess it's really and truly done. The end. At least for this particular aspect of my life...

I'm hoping as time goes on and distance comes between us that he will be the Farmer I remember. The one who when I was threatening to smack him around for one smart-ass comment or another would respond "threaten me with a good time, why don't ya". I miss that guy. I'm hoping the bubble will eventually dissipate.

BTW... safe and happy Halloween to everyone.

Huh...

So... should I be offended or relieved that it really doesn't seem like Farmer is missing me at all? Not sure how I feel about this issue...

I figured that I would be hearing something about the void left behind. So far... nothing. Again, just not sure how I should be feeling about that...

Right turn...

I do believe the term "running around like a chicken with my head cut off" just might describe the last few days.

So, in last post's episode, I had just been fired... and was basically having a big pity party. That was Wednesday night.

On Thursday I got a call from a publisher at a newspaper at the Oregon coast that was looking for a Production Manager... was I interested in coming down for an interview? Um.... yeah!! So I prepped my portfolio, forwarded my references by email and prepared to drive 5 hours to the interview the next day... which was being held at my FAVORITE restaurant.

Friday I got up and drove to the coast through the pouring rain. At the coast it wasn't too bad. It so happened that I beat the publisher to the restaurant. So I picked a table that would accommodate my portfolio (and our lunch) and proceeded to wait for her to show up. When she did, she asked me if I had any other questions other than what was discussed over the phone... we talked about a few other things and then she proceeded to tell me that she had talked to my former boss in Prineville at the CO and was ready to offer me the job.

OMG... before I could even say yes she added oh and by the way, can you start Monday? I about fell out of my chair. But when the universe speaks you cannot ignore it. So, of course, I said yes. And then proceeded to have a mental melt-down. But lunch was nice LOL

So, went back to EO for the weekend... packed up the car and headed to the coast. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I have just moved 5 hours away from Farmer. I'm a little bummed about that. I had hoped that would end up going somewhere. Maybe right person, wrong time... but I'm not going to argue with the universe. I asked and it answered.

So... I started this blog on Sunday night and it's now Tuesday night. The first 2 days went by very quickly. I still feel like I'm visiting because I'm living out of my car and a motel. Hopefully I can find a place to live soon.

I do love my new job, though... and all the people I work with. Not sure how I'll like the weather, but the fact that I can walk a short distance and see the ocean anytime I want is pretty dang nice.

So far, so good.

Not off to a good start...

I was so hoping that 37 would be a better year than 36. That was a tough one... failed marriage, 2 failed relationships, failed business, unemployment (sometimes by my own choice, sometimes not)... you get the idea.

Well, 37 is not off to a much better start. I was fired last night. It wasn't completely unexpected but it wasn't exactly on my radar either. The dealership has been struggling so I knew it was a possibility... I at least expected to get to the end of this month at the very least. Oh well.

But I'm stressed out. There isn't a ton of money in the bank and sleep has deserted me once again (thought we had that ironed out but I guess my threats didn't sink in). I'm definitely in a funk today. I'm feeling very beat down. I know that I will land on my feet but I'm really tired of having to do that... I'm ready to move into the phase in my life where I can find a place I want to settle and have a good life and job there. Is that so much to ask?

I'm sure tomorrow I will feel better... today I just feel like a huge failure in every aspect of my life.

That's irony... not ironing...

So, it's been about a month since Farmer and I called it off. Some days are really good. Some days are not so great. I think it's the same for him... but who knows. I have such a hard time reading him that I could be completely wrong.

And that kind of annoys me. Why do I have such a hard time with him? I'm so used to being able to figure out what makes people tick... he, though, is an enigma wrapped in a mystery (and tied with a bow, I'm sure). It makes me wonder what the hell I'm missing...

For the most part the friendship is in tact. He seems more reserved that he was before we were together but I'm not sure if that's because he doesn't want to make things more difficult for me or if he just doesn't want to lead me on... Basically I have no idea what goes on in his brain. And I'm sure if I asked him he would just look at me like I'm crazy (and I am... so there is that).

I must say that I enjoy the company at night. He makes an effort to have dinner with me every night which is really nice. He seems way more relaxed and I don't think that we're getting any less time together... it's just spent differently I think... mainly as friends, not as a couple as it would have been. I think for him it takes the pressure off... but again, I could be way off base. Who knows?

Anyway... not sure where I was headed with this and now I've lost my train of thought. Time for breakfast, me thinks.

When I grow up I want to be...

I've heard people say that the way to be happy is to find a way to get paid for doing what you love. I think in a way Farmer has managed this. I don't think it was that way to begin with, but he does love it now. And the lifestyle suits him to a "T".

So, if money were no object what would I be doing? I've been pondering this thought for a few days now and I think I have finally figured it out...

Other than graphic design, the job I loved best was being a "dude wrangler" in Sunriver. I loved that job. I loved interacting with the people and the horses. I really enjoyed being paid to ride and showing people who haven't had much exposure how much fun horses can be.

So if I could figure out a way to get it going financially I think that is what I would do. I wouldn't do it quite like Sunriver had it set up, though. First of all I would be set up outside of Yellowstone... probably to the North or Northeast entrance to do day rides into yellowstone. I love yellowstone and it has some of the most amazing scenery out there. I would also have my ranch set up kind of like a resort. Dudes would come to stay a week minimum (to get full exposure) and I would have cabins set up around a main courtyard type area with a grilling pit and fireplace. I would have my personal ranch house, corrals and covered arena in a different area so I could get away when needed. I would make sure to have lots of pasture for the horses. I would also be breeding my own stock to use for trail horses... maybe a gaited breed for comfort (possibly the Rocky Mountain or the Tennessee Walker). These horses would get lots of training before they were deemed suitable for guests. Also, some of this stock would be for sale. I would raise my own cattle for beef. I would have wranglers and cooks.

During the winter when yellowstone is closed I would be training the younger stock and getting ready for the next breeding season. I also would love to have some non-beef cattle for sorting and penning in the winter in my top notch covered arena.

Oh... it could work, all right. If I only had the money...

You're fine. How am I?

So many things running through my head that I'm having a hard time concentrating on just one thing...

Mostly I feel like every time I have a grip on my life it starts to spin out of control again. That is getting old. In the past, the way has been shown... but right now I'm still waiting.

The other thing that kind of struck me tonight... my faith in myself is seriously shaken. And in turn Farmer has no faith in me either. That was brought forth tonight by a miscommunication and it's a little frustrating. In my marriage, ex-hub had unshakable faith... he always knew that he could count on me to do it, fix it, find it, manage it... you know, just be it. But I couldn't count on him. I feel like roles are reversed here and I have no idea how to deal. I have that faith in Farmer but that doesn't seem to be a 2-way street at this point. I'm frustrated in myself for not showing him that I can be that person he can count on...

ARGGGGG... I'm hoping sleep will let me see things more clearly in the morning.

Clarified... and I don't mean butter...

So, had a nice day with Farmer yesterday.

Took a couple of horses out to round up some cattle at the feedlot. Elmo did OK. I started to get frustrated with him (and him with me, I'm sure) but he did finish nicely for me. We had a minor melt-down, but he came back off the ledge... unlike last time. So that was good.

Afterwards I helped Farmer run the heffers through the shutes to give them shots. I was having one of my "crazy" days yesterday, so I was getting a little more frustrated than the situation warrented (I also blame Verizon for this because I am having issues with my bill that they refuse to fix... but that is another story). And sometimes I just want to know what I'm supposed to be doing or what the plan of attack is. Unfortunately, Farmer and I are a lot alike... we both are the type of people that just take charge and do things without really having a plan, per se... but I'm way out of my element here and playing catch-up all the time. And, as you know, his communication skills sometimes don't help. But all in all got the job done and had fun doing it.

But we had a moment of clarification yesterday regarding his comment about me going to carve pumpkins by myself. He meant it not to be mean but to be helpful (I think... maybe I didn't understand it correctly). I have said in the past that riding is a key to my happiness and sanity. He knows this and tried to encourage it by telling me to do it by myself. I guess the pumpkin comment fell into the same category for him. What he doesn't realize and I'm not sure I explained very well, is that there is a difference between me riding (something I really need to do) and carving a pumpkin (something that I thought might be kind of fun).

Also, he bought a new frame for the bedroom I'm in now (which was great... freed up a lot more room in there). While he was putting it together I kept trying to help (or actually just take charge) and he kept getting the funniest look on his face. Finally I said that I usually had to do these things myself because ex-hub was not too keen on these things. I think it finally dawned on him where I'm coming from on that point.

Anyway... it was a nice day. I enjoyed myself. 'Nough said...

Drug induced haze...

So, things have started to settle down here a bit. We had a minor discussion the other night because Farmer thought I was avoiding him (I wasn't) and in turn that was making him more stressed out (the exact opposite of what was supposed to be happening). But in the end, it got sorted and all has been well... up till an hour ago.

I put the idea out there about possibly carving pumpkins... OK, not the most exciting activity, I know, but I figured it was the one with the best chance of happening given schedules. Farmer's reaction? Not interested... and not only that but I could go do it by myself. OK... that's the truncated version, but you get the idea. Needless to say, I was a tad offended. I didn't bring it up to have it flung back in my face. I know that I can do this or that by myself. The point was I was inviting him to do it with me. It's an invitation I would have extended to any of my friends.

So I guess this is why I was frustrated. Even if it was something he didn't want to do, that's fine. But I guess I was waiting for an alternate suggestion or something else. Not a "feel free to do it by yourself" kind of attitude. He felt like I'm trying to put him into a box that he just doesn't fit into. And maybe I am...

I don't mean to. But I have no idea how to proceed now.

Ahhhh... this is not helping my stuffed up head (oh yeah, fighting a cold now, too). I suppose the best course of action (read: so I don't try to stuff him in a box that he doesn't fit into) I will let him make the suggestions of things to do in the future.

Or whatever...

I'm having a hard time thinking... I think the sudafed has finally kicked in. My head feels fuzzy...

Welcome, sanity...

Oh my... just when I think I know what's going on... BAM!! I find out I had no clue, whatsoever. I've decided that I just need to stop trying to figure it out. It's going to give me brain cancer... or some other serious brain ailment. And I have limited function in that area anyway and I can't afford to have any other issues with my brain. So... I don't know. I won't know. I can't know. And that is that.

In other news, sleep has come back to me after a long absence. I missed it terribly... and have scolded it for leaving me high and dry when I needed it most. It is properly embarrassed and has asked for forgiveness. I think I will give it. But it had better not abandon me like that again. I think it got the picture.

My sanity and I have an intimate evening planned as well. I have let relations between us lag over the last few months... but I am fixing that. I have joined a riding group that meets twice a week... and where my horse and saddle are, so is my sanity.

I'm sure everyone in my near-vicinity will be grateful that I am seeking out my sanity again.

Makes for a much happier SweetPea...

The butterfly effect...

There has been a lot of soul-searching going on in the last couple of weeks. And it's time to put this particular chapter to bed and start to move forward. I hate to say it... but my mother is right. I have just been treading water with no movement or goals to speak of. I have had a rough year, but nothing that is not overcomable. And it is time to overcome...

A few lingering thoughts to put out there before I move on for good... some things that have been bothering me that I wanted answers to. However, I have come to realize that I will never have those answers... and I need to be OK with that.

The first is: I wonder if Farmer and the Biologist will ever come to realize what they gave up? The Biologist, probably not so much. He was only concerned with himself and that complete unawareness of other people will shield him from that, I think. Farmer is probably a different story. Although I believe he has somewhat the same ability to stick his head in the sand... the sand being work... and ignore the rest of what life has to offer. I think someday he will regret choosing not to really give this another chance. Timing might have something to do with it... but maybe not. But he had someone who was willing to give as much as she got, was interested in the lifestyle and really wanted to be a part of it, and was really in love with him and wanted him to be a partner in her life as well. That doesn't come along very often.

But, they made their choice and it is what it is.

I know I will find love again someday. But I need to remember this simple story... a girl went out to the field searching for butterflies, with no success. She looked all afternoon without ever spotting a butterfly. She got tired and decided to lay down in the meadow and take a nap... and when she woke up she was covered in butterflies.

I need to start concentrating on the things that make me happy... and love will find me when I'm ready.

Like ships passing...

On my drive to Portland this morning (which started at 5:45am) I had a lot of thoughts going through my head. The insomnia is still plaguing me... which is a completely new experience. Usually when I am feeling overwhelmed by life I like to sleep... a LOT. There was one winter where I was sleeping up to 20 hours a day. That was not a good time for me... come to find out that I suffer from winter depression. It was the worst in Portland. Since then I have lived in places that tend to have lots of sun during the cold months of the year. That makes a huge difference. But the point is I'm not used to not being able to sleep. I am a professional. I love sleep. The fact that it doesn't love me back right now is very disappointing. But I digress...

So, on my way to Portland I stopped in Biggs to get something to drink. As I was wandering around the gas station there I was looking around me and wondering what other stories were there in the gas station with me.

How about that guy with the packed 1982 Honda? What was his story? Is he moving for a job? Is he heading to a new destination or going back to an old, familiar place?

Or what about the guy on the motorcycle? Is he out just for a pleasure ride? Is this his way to escape the worries of the world for a while? Is he on a trip to some amazing destination or just enjoying the local scenery?

I guess I tend to forget that there are people on this earth who probably have a similar story to mine. They, too, are starting over at a time in their lives when things should have been settled and in a familiar routine. I never imagined that I would be 37 (oh yeah... my birthday was on Friday) and starting over. This is not a place I expected to find myself... and I have really been feeling lost. But I'm not the only one. Especially in these times and with this economy. People are facing things that they never expected to have to deal with. As Farmer loves to remind me... the universe does not revolve around me. We are all in this together.

And there are people out there who are dealing with things much worse than what my life has served up. Which is why I would like to let my Aunt, my Uncle and my Cousin and her Husband know that I am thinking about them every day... my prayers are with you.

You've got to be kidding me...

Despite my best efforts last night, I still only got around 3 hours of sleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 1:46am... my eyes snapped open @ 4:38am.

This has got to stop or I'm going to go stark raving mad... seriously.

I am the type of person who needs at least 8 hours to function correctly. I haven't been able to live off of this little sleep since my early 20's and that was quite a few years ago. I have tried listening to the radio, watching TV, writing on this blog, taking drugs to knock myself out... in fact I took a dose last night that in normal times would have had me sleeping for 14 hours and then "hung-over" for the rest of the day. What is the deal?

To make matters worse, I have been getting the weirdest vibe off of Farmer the last few days. I tried to get to the bottom of it this morning with no success. From his perspective there is nothing different or wrong. But he is doing exactly what he said he would if things went south... bury himself in work.

Maybe that is what I'm experiencing... the distinct impression that he just doesn't care. This isn't on his mind and probably isn't going to be... ever. I suppose it could be worse. I was trumped by work... not by another person.

Dear lord... what a mess!! Because as I've stated before I had hopes that the situation would change. However, that will only come about if he decides that this is worth having in his life. Not likely, considering the fact that he is right back to where he was... and it seems to be what he wants. What a complete and utter bummer.

So, I'm invisible in that relationship... or whatever it is now. And it seems the same applies at work as well. I had my boss literally look through me yesterday and consult with another person from my dealership about this, that and the other. And it wasn't an isolated incident. He actually went out of his way to hunt down this other person (who was outside with a customer) to do a particular thing that I could have done quicker and easier since I was right there.

Let me tell ya, there is no better feeling than knowing you just don't matter... or that they would prefer someone or something else over you.

And the thing I need the most (sleep) is like smoke through my fingers.

Man, I love my life right now... thank goodness I get to ride tonight. For those few hours I matter to something. At least my horses and dogs love me... oh, and family too. OK, and bff... and friends, too.

I guess it's not that bad after all.

Songs...

I think I have found the song that really says it all right now:

The Power of Goodbye by Madonna

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

For now, that about says it all. I had a weird day today... but that post will have to wait. I'm too emotionally fried to type it all out tonight. Suffice it to say that after a fairly decent night's sleep what once was numb is now fresh again.

So not fair...

The question...

Bff asked me an interesting question the other day... she does this a lot, by the way. It's one of the reasons I keep her around :)

Oh yeah... the question. It was: why are you staying in that area if you and Farmer are done? (and just for the record she thinks that should be a permanent predicament). There are a couple of reasons why.

1. I actually like the area. True, I liked Bend better but I can afford to live here (land is reasonably cheap and I hope to be in the market next year if my house in Idaho ever sells for a profit). The river is close by. The mountains and really great riding are close by. It's a good mix of what Bend and Idaho had to offer without me having to live in Idaho. A win/win. If I moved back to the Portland area (which my mom and bff would love) I would have to sell Elmo and Aspen and board Flash in order to have them anywhere near my vicinity... unless I found something to rent but then that would require a job there and... well, you get the point.

2. There is a riding group here that I'm really looking forward to riding with. I have told Farmer that if he has a light day that I would be more than happy to saddle a horse and throw it in the trailer for him so he can just come on down and ride. Only he can decide if he's got the time, though. I'm done worrying about it. For me riding is a must and I have not been getting enough ride time in to suit my sanity. Ex-hub can tell you all about that... when I would get really cranky he would toss me outside and tell me not to come back until I had ridden.

3. I have a job here. OK, granted... it's not a great job but it is a job. And it gives me time to look for something else since we basically have no customers. Again... a win/win. Although I did sell 2 cars this weekend, so maybe things are looking up.

4. And I probably shouldn't mention this one but I just type what's on my mind... so here goes. I'm hoping that down the road that with some space, some counseling (on my part) and some time that Farmer and I will revisit this relationship. Even he said in a perfect world we were a perfect match and I agree. We (or maybe just I) need to get some shit taken care of. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not giving up on the idea just yet. Right now I'm just enjoying the company. It's relaxed and easy... except when bedtime comes but that's a whole other can of worms.

Those seem like good reasons to me. I didn't necessarily mention #4 to bff but she'll come around. I know it's very hard for her to see me suffering. She wants me to be happy and drama-free. I think that could happen with Farmer and I... but somewhere down the road. Right now I really need to get my ex's and my marriage put to bed, permanently. After talking to ex-hub again yesterday I realize that a lot of that baggage is still right at the surface.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to get that dealt with... soon.

My enemy...

So... it's been a long and very rough week. Just when I think I'm doing OK something will completely blindside me and I'm a wreck once again. I think the fact that I'm basically getting only 1 or 2 real hours of sleep a night is really making it difficult to get through this. But I am the type of person who has a hard time turning off my brain once things are dark and quiet. This is the hardest time for me.

If I could just skip this portion of the program on a daily basis I would be in a much better place. It about rips my heart out of my chest every time I watch him head off to bed alone... and seems none the worse for wear or even missing what once was laying by his side. For me, this is the time I dread. I retreat to my room and try to speed the tears along so I can, once again, get on with living. I would love to get on with sleeping as well but that still seems to be alluding me. Just as I will start to drift some thought will run through my head unbidden and then the cycle begins all over again.

I know it's just going to take time, but geez!! Can we just get on with it already? I'm tired of hurting and it's hard to bury it so it doesn't spring to the surface every other minute. I just wish I had that ability to turn the emotional portion of my brain off. I don't need it and it's really making my life difficult.

Right now those emotions are the enemy. I just wish I knew how to exterminate them...

Round and round...

I have been reading back through this blog in the hopes of finding my way for the future. It has been quite an eye-opening experience... and not necessarily in a good way. Basically I continue to repeat the same pattern leaving wreckage behind as I go.

I know Farmer thinks that he has some culpability for the demise of this relationship and will argue with me until the day he dies that this is partly his fault. Well, I'm about to trump that argument with the realization of all time...

This relationship would have never come to be if I hadn't pushed for it. If I had just minded my own business we'd still just be friends and everything would be fine. He even said that if he were me he would have never pursued this relationship because my life is so out of sorts. He is the type of person that needs to have his ducks in a row in order to even think about doing something like this. I, on the other hand, just jump into whatever comes along without even thinking it through. I am an incredibly selfish person this way. I took no thought whatsoever as to what I would be doing to him and how I would be disrupting his life if this didn't work out.

I stupidly think that it will work out this time because I am such "a great catch" when the reality is that I'm about to drag some poor unsuspecting soul down the same path I've already been on again and again. And I'm not just talking about the Biologist. There have been others. And it has basically gone exactly the same way.

What the hell is wrong with me? Even if I don't give a shit about myself I should at least consider what I might do to the other person... but I don't.

My dad sent me a wonderful email yesterday that had some very good advise in it. However there is one line that stands out... "Most of my problems come from rushing in to do something without clearly thinking it out." This is the hallmark of my life... rushing into things without even considering the consequences. Maybe the one and only time I didn't do this was in getting out of my marriage. If I had quit that when I first wanted to I would have been divorced within the first few years. But I felt I had to give it every chance.

And now I have taken what could have been the start to really healing the friendship between Farmer and I and completely fucked it up. We had such a nice night together last night... and then I had to open my mouth. From there it just followed it's natural course down the toilet. After all, I just can't help but destroy anything that might be good. And now we are back to awkward avoidance.

I have my first counseling appointment coming up. I have got to get my head back on straight... assuming it ever was in the first place. Not sure about that. Not sure about anything.

I do know this... I need to stay away from Farmer. I am like poison. You can't see it or smell it or taste it but it's killing you all the same. I'm just hoping our friendship will be OK. But if I keep on like I have been, that doesn't have a shot in hell either.

Truth...

You know that moment when you suddenly realize that everything they've said about you is true? I do.

It's all true.

I never before realized how incredibly selfish I am. How utterly manipulative. I want what I want when I want it and don't care who I hurt or run over in the process.

And here's the saddest truth of all... I don't have my friends' best interests at heart. If that were true, I would have never opened my mouth tonight. Never. But I don't care about other people. I only care about myself.

And I have never hated myself more.

Turtle...

Or maybe it's a tortoise?

Well, whatever my bro's pet is... be it turtle or tortoise... I'm going to try to be more like that. Whenever you pick up Blazer, or if he senses danger or just something he doesn't like (like my mother, for instance) he immediately pulls his head and all of the rest of his appendages into his protective shell. Perhaps this would be a more advantageous way to live my life.

I've always been the type that put my whole self out there... but at this point I'm just feeling old and very beat up. I'm not sure that I want to approach these types of things that way anymore. I just seem to get hurt and this has been no exception. I hurt... more than I would like to admit at this point. I would like to build up a protective shell to pull into when I need some fortification. Right now I just feel like every little thing is exposed. I have nowhere to go... and there is nowhere to hide.

Normally when faced with such situations, I slink to some far-off destination and lick my wounds... returning when I feel I have things well in hand. I have not had the opportunity to do that in this situation. I have a job I'm trying to save (just the icing on the cake there) and I can't just leave. I must sell something this weekend or I'm possibly out of a job, too.

Farmer just feels bad... not bad enough to change his mind, but he doesn't like to see me like this. This shitty thing is, I still think we could do it. But when you're the only one who thinks that it's time to call it a day. I can't drag him to it or make him want to do it (unfortunately). It was something he needed to want to do on his own and that isn't how it turned out. In the fantasy in my head it did... but reality did not follow suit. Too bad I can't just live in my head... things are going so much better there than they are here.

The worst part is I just can't seem to get the crying portion of this nightmare under control. I will be fine and then all of a sudden it's water-works that I can't stop. This happened today at work. Made for a very tough and long day. And I'm sure it won't be alone.

I'm not hungry. I'm not thirsty. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I hate the fact that my birthday is around the corner and I am still just trying to figure out the basics. I really thought I would have my shit together by now. Instead I find myself back at square one. In fact, I probably don't even need to write this blog right now... I can just go back and do a "best of...". Everything still applies.

And the worst part happens now... learning to sleep alone. Again. I hate it. I miss having Farmer close to me.

Tonight I'm cheating though. I've taken some sleeping pills to help me through the night. If the world is kind, maybe I won't wake up in the morning having to face another day of loneliness.

Maybe some way, some how... tomorrow will be different.

Plan B...

I don't have one... but I'm going to need one.

Farmer called it quits last night. Basically the gist of the conversation was that he didn't feel like it was fair what he was putting me through. And by that he meant that when things are hectic and really busy he just doesn't have the energy to be connected to me. He says he wants to be able to do it, but physically it just isn't there. Oh... we went round and round about other things as well. But really, nothing else matters when faced with this. There is nothing that I can say or do to overcome that. Once again, I am not enough.

So... I am faced with how to get to the next second. the next minute. the next hour. the next day. when my heart hurts like a thousand stabbing needles and I feel like I can't breathe.

And if he hadn't made it amply clear before just where I stood, I sure get the point now. I just had to get away last night and clear out my head for a while. There was no phone call, no text message wondering if I was OK. There were no lights on when I got home... he was sound asleep (sure wish I could figure that trick out). He didn't check on me this morning before he left. Basically I could be in that other bedroom with my wrists slit and he would never know. I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. I just don't matter that much. He checked out a while ago... I guess I just need to catch up. Wish I had some sort of ETA on that.

I just can't help thinking that he's going to smack himself on the forehead and be like how am I letting the best thing in my life walk out of it? But I think this sentiment only exists in my head. I'm sure the reality is that he's relieved that he doesn't have to try to make this work anymore. Things can go back to the way they were before... us as friends. No expectations. No demands on his time.

I just need a Plan B...

Consistently inconsistent...

These words have been rolling around my head now since they were uttered by Farmer on Sunday during a pretty intense conversation. I think he was using them to sum up his life, but they work just as well to sum up our relationship... consistently inconsistent.

I've said in the past that I wasn't that worried about Farmer not being very verbal when it came to our relationship because I could tell by the affection how he felt about me. Come to find out, that is not the case. Apparently the affection is not just affected by what's going on between us, but it is also affected by how busy he is, how tired he is, etc., etc. Although I'm not quite sure where that leaves me. I don't want to be constantly asking where we stand. That's not going to work either... it leaves him on edge and makes me feel terrible.

It makes me wish that I was the type of person who was blessed with blissful unawareness. Then I probably wouldn't even notice these things. Sure would make life a hell of a lot easier. But hyper-awareness has been the hallmark of my life... can't expect anything different at this point.

I think we are making headway, though. Sunday was tough... there were a lot of things to discuss and try to work through. It's hard when you have two very strong personalities looking at the same thing from the exact opposite side. I think if we can just figure out how the other one communicates it could be a huge asset. If we can't figure out each others' language then it could also be our downfall.

But the lines are open... now I just need a translator.

TMI...

As often happens, events in my life overtake the writings on this blog and make them null and void (kinda).

For instance, last post I was writing about the situation between Farmer and I. Come to find out (after actually talking to him... maybe should have done that in the first place) that he does want to pursue this relationship and the "cold shoulder" I have been seeing is nothing more than a very long and stressful work week that has made him very tired. As he so eloquently put it... the world does not revolve around me and I take things way too personally.

Yeah, hon... I know. I'm working on it.

Anyway, that brings me to my question... am I divulging way Too Much Information here? Am I putting kinks into things by having someone (say, Farmer) read about stuff that I haven't necessarily discussed with him yet? I mean, I don't want to write something that I was feeling at the moment (and probably misunderstood anyway... I do that quite a bit) and then discuss it with said person and then come to a resolution and then have them read it later and then have it bring up old doubts or whatever it stirs to the surface. I started this blog to be a help to me... not to hinder me.

Maybe this is something I need to discuss with Farmer? Oh crap... see I just did it again.

Hey babe... there is something we need to discuss...

The witching hour...

The house is utterly dark and quiet. At times like these, as I sit in the dark, I often think that I was made to be nocturnal. When the dark settles in and I am able to examine the thoughts that are in my head, these are the times when the things that have plagued me during the day finally find resolution. And tonight is no different...

Once again, Farmer and I have hit a roadblock. Communication seems to be our saving grace and our downfall. It brought us together and now it seems it will finish us as well. I suppose I could go into the morbidly mundane details of what has transpired, but I am just too tired. Not sleep tired... life tired.

A few days ago I headed to Portland to see my sister one last time before her big trip. Before I left, Farmer and I had a very intense discussion about what to do. I didn't want to give up on it. He was not so sure... and so we left it at that. We'd give it a few days and see how we felt...

In all of my relationships I have wanted to be the kind of person that someone else doesn't want to be without. I have failed... again. I have told myself over the years that these people who have discarded me and my love would regret what they had taken for granted and thrown away. The truth is that most have gone on to much more successful and fulfilling relationships. And now I have come to realize how much I have been deluding myself all these years. The things that I think would be an asset have instead proven to be my downfall. I don't inspire love... just disconnection, avoidance and desperation.

I wonder what he sees when he looks at me now?

Mom says that I shouldn't be surprised or upset at how this has turned out. After all, in her opinion, I put us into a no-win situation. I took someone who had absolutely zero experience in the relationship department and gave him the toughest assignment there is... co-habitation. But you know what? I was betting on us making it and being a really great couple. I really believed that I had found the yin to my yang. Actually... I still do. And this is where the deep sadness sets in. Because I think I am the only believer. And I have proven, with devastating results, that one person's belief is not enough.

What now, you ask? I'm not sure. I guess we go back to just being friends... which is what I think he really wants, even though he hasn't said it. But the affection is back at a friendship level. Intimacy seems to be non-existent even though we are still sharing a bed. Unfortunately this is something that I'm an expert on...

Maybe there is still hope. Perhaps we need to back it off and start again from the beginning but go slower this time... I don't know. I have no idea what is even an option right now.

But one thing hasn't changed... I still love him.

Pet peeve...

"Do what you gotta do"

Those words are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. I was trying to explain why I hate them so much to Farmer this morning, but I'm not sure that I was really getting through. Or that I was making sense. But, I've had time to marinade the thought and I think I have pin-pointed why that particular statement is so offensive. So here goes...

1. It sounds like a blow-off. I kind of touched upon this thought this morning, but I'm hoping to elaborate. Basically to me that translates to: I don't give a rat's ass what you're up to, just don't involve me.... or something like that. I guess I'm not really explaining it any better than I did this morning but it still comes across like that.

2. It sounds like there is no support behind whatever decision was just made. It's like the person saying it is saying: fine. go ahead. I don't like what you're doing but I suppose I can't stop you either. Not the best way to portray support, IMO.

I guess I feel like I am going to do what I have to do. That's kind of the point of life, is it not? I don't need you telling me to do what I need to do... it's redundant. It's a lame way out of a conversation and it seems to be the go-to statement for men... It's the equal to when a woman says "I'm fine" with her arms crossed and steam coming out of her ears.

OK... enough on that, I suppose. Venting has been had and I'm feeling better about it :) Had a good Sunday with my sis who will be leaving soon for SE Asia. I'll be heading up to Portland again this coming Sunday to see her one last time before her plane leaves (that is what prompted Farmer to say the offending statement this morning).

So, have a good labor day everyone. I'm at work until 5pm... after that I hope to spend a little time with Farmer, but we shall see. He's been swamped lately. But don't worry about me...

I'm fine :)

Heeeeee's back...

So, the twilight zone is still in effect around this part of Oregon... but maybe now it's working in my favor.

The GoodGuy is back as manager of the store. He was here when I very first started and I really got along well with him and he taught me a lot my first week here.

Let me just say that as soon as he walked through the door the energy around this place changed... for the better. Energy is up and he is a get-it-done kind of guy. A customer that AssHat had completely written off is now going to be a customer that GoodGuy can get into a vehicle. Imagine that...

I think my sales numbers are about to go up. Either way, my working environment has just become a whole lot more pleasant. Hooray for me :)

As the dealership turns...

OK... I know I already posted something today, but I just had to share what is going on around here in the dealership.

So, I was off yesterday and spent the day with Mom and Booty (my sis). When I came in today the shit had hit the fan yesterday apparently. AssHat (otherwise known as the boss) got a call at around 4:30pm and was asked to leave. He threw the keys to GQ and said to keep in touch. Then he was picked up by the old owner of the dealership. Rumor has it that they will be joining forces and possibly starting a rival dealership down the road.

In the meantime, the other manager in the other store also did not show up today. Come to find out that their manager and AssHat got arrested last night and were in jail.

Seriously... I am not making this shit up. It's amazing that anything gets sold at all...

So, the other manager is still a no-show. We are without a manager. BigGuy just left saying he didn't want to be here. All hell is breaking loose.

Wonder what tomorrow will bring? Or even this afternoon? After all, there is still 5 hours left in the day...

Invasion...

So, my sister is leaving for SE Asia in 2 weeks.... she'll be gone for 6 months. Holy crap. Can't believe it's here already.

Anyway, she is back in Portland and I've been working my super crazy schedule so I haven't had time to get to Portland to visit her before she goes. So Mom and Booty decided to visit me and Farmer instead. They came up on Tuesday night and left this morning. It was a quick visit but I was so glad to be able to spend time and visit with them yesterday.

The jury is still out on how Farmer was feeling about the invasion. He did everything he could to make it go smooth and help me out with getting stuff ready for their visit. He's so good that way. Couldn't ask for a better guy.

Anyway, we did some fun stuff yesterday. I took them out for a quick horseback ride. We went shopping and had lunch at the Olive Garden (one of my personal favorites). I took them out to the feedlot where Farmer gave them a tour of the operation. We invited Farmer's dad and Hoofer over for a BBQ of salmon and chicken (the salmon was some that FD (farmer's dad) had caught up in Alaska last year). It was delicious and a lot of fun. My fam enjoyed themselves and I think so did everyone else.

All in all, a dang good day.

Sis... I will miss you!! Please take care of yourself while you're out in the big blue yonder...